It's been .. 5 days since I started fasting, beginning from Monday. I need God to speak to me so bad. I need him more than ever before. I've been feeling so exhausted every night after work. I love what I do, but as soon as I get home, I'm a totally dead person. I have no interest in talking to anybody.
So update. I've got my Iphone 4 but surprisingly I'm not THAT excited. I feel normal. I'm thankful that it arrived so soon, but I just I didn't feel as though this was like "woahhh". I mean I love it and it's very useful. Just have to make sure I have enough money to pay for it monthly.
Next. Interview at World Square next Saturday at 6pm. I'm glad that they're interested in me now.
3rdly. I'm utterly disappointed. So sad, so ... I don't know how I feel really. I had so much faith and cofidence that "THAT" Transient Cut would turn out right, but it unfortunately didn't. I don't want this to be the same case as my natural inversion where I did a total of TEN haircuts. That is just way too much for a "pass". I don't know why God allowed that to happen, especially when my main plea for this fast was to anoint me with the ability to perform extremely well. Now I found out that I would possibly need an extra 2 weeks. I'm really sad. The day ended quite well, especially when I know that I've made people happy. I feel so happy as well, knowing that I was able to put a smile on their faces as well as confidence. My textured crop and vertical layers were great I think. But I'm just pleading to God that He can bless me through all of this. I need to pass all the haircuts WITHIN the 6 weeks AND DO EXTREMELY MAGNIFICENTLY WELL!! I have to make Dennis, Graham and Angie proud of me and I want all the teachers to know that I AM GIFTED, I AM CAPABLE AND I WILL BE GREAT! It's not a possibility or a probability but a definite!
I want to do well so bad, I was and still am desperate. That's why as soon as I finished that haircut, I said to myself that I will not eat anything for the rest of the day just to prove to God how bad I want this. I was extremely tired and hungry. Well just now, I had a madarin and a mango. I need energy and I know I can get it from him, but I'm just really drained right now. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm really tempted to eat as well but I listened to my body, and it says that it's already full.
Tomorrow, I want to get a lot of things done. First of all, I definitely need to get my scissors sharpen. I must do that in order to do WELL in Vardering. I can't risk it anymore. I'm so sad. I really don't understand WHY God allowed that to happen when He sees my heart and how much I want to do well. ):
I will also read over ALL of the haircuts, make head sheets, read and study label M's products. I NEED to get it right. I NEED TO SCAN AND STAMP those haircut theory in my head! I NEED TO TATTOO THEM IN MY BRAIN. I DON'T CARE, THEY HAVE TO STAY IN THERE! I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO EXTREMELY WELL.
Well, talking about tattoo, I will get it. I'm still considering what I want to get, but I feel like I will be getting quite a few. So first one is some sakuras. Don't know where I'm going to place it, but I don't want it to be seen, although I don't want it to be on the hip or rib or something. I will probably get it on my neck. Cherry Blossom means so much to me. I will also get a quote dedicate to my mum. I want to also get something about God. I feel so emo these days. I still know that I have to represent Christ well and that MY body is HIS temple. I can not damage it or put anything destructive in/on it. That just reminds me of food, bad food that is.
I'm so sleepy, so tired. Don't know what's going on with my life right now. Parents have officially signed all the divorce paper thing and now they have to wait for it to be processed through the court of magistrates.
Lately, I've been having a lot of longing. For that missing piece. I know it's not my timing but God's. I don't know. I'm just really sad these days.
At Last Honesty
God: “What’s the matter?
Me: “I’m lonely!”
God: “I know! Don’t you think I know that?”
Me: “Yes Lord.”
God: “Then what’s the problem?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”
God: “What do you want?”
Me: (Repressing the honest answer I speak:) “I want what you want Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (dead silence)
God: “Something is still bothering you. What is it?”
Me: “I’m alone.”
God: “Why is that a problem?”
Me: “I’m not happy.”
God: “And why not?”
Me: “I don’t want to be alone.”
God: “You said you wanted what I wanted.”
Me: “Yes Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (silence)
God: “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Me: (at last honesty) “No Lord.”
God: “Then you do not want what I want?”
Me: “I do, but I also want to be married. I also want what I want.”
God: “The problem is not your desire to be married. That is a good desire.
The problem is that you expect that I should give you
what you want when you want and how you want.
If a sparrow does not fall without my knowledge...
If I dress the lilies in such splendor...
If I cloth the grass of the field which so quickly withers...
Do you imagine I have forgotten you...my beloved?
I have not forgotten you...do not worry.
God: “You are still troubled...why?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”
God: (gently) “I know.”
