Well I was actually on a 15-day detox whilst I was on the fast as well. I kind of stopped taking the pills because I wasn't sure if there'd be any complications with not taking in food while taking the medicines ect. And well....the fast went well but as soon as I finished the fast, I felt like I sprung back so rapidly to the binging and old ways. I think maybe I was depriving myself food and I just wanted to eat everything possible. Hence, for the past 3 days after the fast, I've been eating so much and it makes me really uncomfortable! I know some of the food that I consume isn't ideal for my health but nevertheless I still eat it. Then, I end up suffering the consequences of a bloated stomach and feeling sluggish. I've been experiencing constipation as well since the end of the fast, and that is mostly due to all the white flour and sweet stuff I've been consuming. I hate how my health goes up and down like a roller coaster and there isn't any consistency in it. And I'm convinced that my extensive dieting and change of eating habit is one of the main cause of the irregular menstrual cycle. I didn't want to admit at first, but now I think I do. I've been having really bad self image and confidence problem since 12 and it has been a long time. I wonder when I can just stop all this and just live a healthy peaceful enjoyable life without having to feel guilty for every bad food I eat. How I wish I can just have the drive to work out like a week ago. How come things just change after a fast. Like I mean it's good spiritually but in terms of FOOD, it makes me THAT MUCH unhealthier because I end up consuming things that I wouldn't normally eat. I'm curious of how the brain works. I'm curious of what exactly is happening in my mind. Why is it so hard for me to reach my goal. I mean I know it's possible and there's no secret to it apart from weight training & cardio combined with very clean diet. But somehow I feel like as much as I try, it just doesn't work. I think back to 2009 when my weight just decreased very dramatically without me realising it. I didn't worry about the way I look THAT much. I mean, I wasn't very knowledgeable about what's bad and what's good and what you need to do bla bla bla. But at the end of the day I think if you consume less food than the energy you use up then you'll start loosing weight right. But then, weight for me isn't that big of an issue. It's mainly the SIZE that matters. I don't want to weight myself and be caught up in the numbers. I'm more interested in the way I feel and look and how strong I am. I want to build tone muscles and be very tight. I don't want any cellulites. I just want to be able to wear sleeveless tops confidently and not be afraid to show my skin. One main reason is also because of how bad the pimples on my arms are. It's like acne. I'm glad that it's not on my face, but I don't want it on my arms either. It makes me feel so conscious about the way I look. People always say, what happen to your arm. Like for God's sake, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! AND EVEN IF THERE IS, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!! I hate having to explaining, or worst yet, people noticing it and think in their head "bla bla bla" and not saying anything.
Yesterday I was watching ACC on foxtel and Joel Osteen was preaching. He talked about the grace of God and how we need to learn to live one day at a time and not worry about the future because God gives us enough for every 24 hours. And as soon as a new day starts, God renews His grace and give us enough for that coming day. I realised that I tend to worry to much about what is to come and not enjoying and giving my best for what is here now, today! I need to learn to live out life on a daily basis. I need to stop worrying and concerning about the future. I can plan out things that needs to be done, but I should not allow them to stress me out. I may think that I don't have what it takes to carry those tasks out, but when the time comes, God will give me what it takes, and I WILL accomplish it. Only if I'm willing to take it on, will God be able to grant me the strength to complete the task.
I thank you Jesus, and I pray that you will help me with the detox, help me to finish it. Give me the strength to do what you want me to do. Let me not be lazy to go to church at night. Help me to eat right. Help me to watch out for my health. Help me to look after myself for your kingdom.
