So it is the 13th day today. And for breakfast, unlike every other day where I just drink water and have fruits, I had sugary stuff and a nutella sandwich. It's not wrong, but it's not right either because I said I would not have packaged food. I don't know how I'm feeling now. So like the day before yesterday (Night 11) I felt terrible. And then woke up really early for a shoot yesterday morning. Went to church after and had the BBQ. All along I was just thinking "What Am 'I' doing???" Where will this lead me to? All that I'm doing.
I felt and is still feeling lost. I don't even know where I am. I want Jesus to show me my future and my next step and I don't even see it. I feel like wanting to withdraw away from him. I'm just so lost. I began to doubt and have unbelief about all these things I'm doing. Might be from the devil that's trying to convince me that I have no purpose, and unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe it.
You honestly have to intervene.
You tell me to give and I don't even have an income to give.
Trusting is so uncomfortable.
Last night's message was speaking on the Israelites coming out of Egypt. I felt like God was saying, he wants to humble me that's why I'm in a barren land. I honestly don't know how Joseph and be put into jail, got betrayed by people around him, went through so much for so long yet still trust God. I don't have that kind of faith.
I'm believing the best for the future ahead but it's so hard.
I hate how I'm at church and I'm trying my hardest to feel connected but I don't seem to feel as connected anymore. And tomorrow will be connect group. Am I going to speak of God's faithfulness and not fully believe it myself???
Don't even know if God will intervene.
And this is only the 13th day in.
And I can't believe some people still think I look like a bitch when they meet me for the first time.
"But you're okay today" They say because I give them free food??? Seriously, I don't even care anymore. I get that too many times. Some people think that can never happen, yet some just think I look like an alpha female and a bitch. Whatever.
When am I going to change the way I feel?
Okay, it's all UP TO ME, but it's hard and I can't get out of this mess alone.
I'm sick of hearing, give, put him first, give give give when I CAN'T GIVE!!!!!!
And what is the point of fasting? If it's not going to open doors for me? I look back to times when I gave, some of the times when I fasted long period of time, and I don't even know what the outcome of that was. What DID you do? What did you intervene with? What happened?
I'm meant to be close to God and now I don't even want to read the bible.
I don't know what has gotten into me.
You want me to thank you for what you're giving me in the future. Yes it was easy when I had a lot of faith but not anymore.
Even when Maree recommended to do hair for someone on fb, I don't even bother reply cz there are so many better people.
What will it take for you to change the way I am.
It is too hard, too hard.
How can I ask myself "What is right in this situation?" when I can't find anything. I used to, but I'm too negative for that.
I wonder what you think looking down on me behaving like this.
God. I just have no hope anymore.
I'm sick of leaving my work, and trusting you and following what you say and now I'm here hopeless, having no job, no income.
You said not to look for work, AND I TRUSTED YOU, and you said you have something prepared for me. WHERE IS IT LORD?????? WHERE?? DO I HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE END OF THE YEAR???????
Why do you choose me anyway. What am I to you? If you know my life from front to back then you would've already seen this coming. Why then do you choose me for my lack of faith and belief. Why then do you tolerate me speaking to you like this?
I don't see a reason for this to happen. What is life? Who will I be?
I really don't care anymore because if you really cared, you would do something right now.
