Previous notes: September 10th @ 6:55pm

Tell me why this is happening. Tell me why I've failed once again. Tell me why you didn't do anything when I had so much faith. I believed that it would be a great rest of the day yet 2 of my models didn't turn up and in top of that I've done 12 transient cuts! Are you forsaking me? Are you punishing me?we What did I do for you to not have your mercy upon me lord? I was aiming to pass at least 2 hair cuts but I passed none. Did you hear my cries? Did you hear me begging you? I know everything is done according to your will and not mine and I shoulnt have to understand everything but I still feel like the devil is attacking me or that you're punishing me. I don't know how I would go on. Am u overly confident? Am I not taking things slow? Am I not getting enough feedbacks? they're all wrong but I mean that's how they perceive me? As someone who thinks she knows everything? Well I don't and how can I not make them think that? He said I shoul relax? Take smaller sections. Okay I've been doing that. James told me. And I've been relaxing. The other girls both passed today but me. It's been 4 weeks. I just want to die and get away from everything. I don't know how much faith I will have anymore. Tomorrow is the interview and at this rate things are looking pretty bad. I just want to block everyone out and be by myself. Worrying is not going change the outcome and being happy is not going to change it either. It's the skill not a mental problem. Could it be that my family is affecting me? Have Angie even read the email? I'm so depressed and sad and is in great despair. My god my god why have you forsake me??

Previous notes: September 9th @ 7pm

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I haven't been passing. I feel likes god is punishing me or something. I feel cursed. I feel like the devil is attacking me. I personally feel like I'm doing really well but technically I haven't. I make clients happy. I sell treatments and products but it's not like they notice it. I feel like there's barely anything good to say about me when they comment in the book. It's always criticisms. I mean they're good feedbacks but I'd appreciate it I'd they actually write down something nice of what I did RIGHT. Since we have 3 teachers it's hard to believe that j actually did a good job just by reading the comments. I'm just worried but I know worrying is not going to change the outcome. I'm trying so hard to do what is right and pleasing to god but I feel like he is forsaking me. I'm so scared of making Dennis and Angie disappointed. I'm really sad honestly. After each day that I once again fail in my assessment  us another night of sorrow and sadness. I don't feel god helping me. I feel he's watching over me but not doing anything to help.  I'm just sad that's all. I mean WHY can't I pass? I've tried all that I could. I have 2 weeks left and I only pass 1 assessment :(  extremely sad. I don't know what to do. I know there are things that's within my control but there are things that's not. I've tried my best with what I've been given what else does god want from me?? What else do you want from me Jesus?  I've done what I could but I don't feel your blessing over this Vardering course. Thank you for the magazine submission but I'm not that thrilled because i know there are way better things ahead of me!! What do I have to do to pass? To do it within 6 weeks. Can I really pass all of the other haircuts in less than 2 weeks?????  Can I really?? You say to have faith but I've been placing so much faith into passing the haircuts but I haven't even passed. Day in day out. I just don't see it happen realistically. What must I do Jesus? 
 Where are you??

.....Jesus?

Truth be told, when God’s grace is on something…it is what it is. You can plan, calculate, do demographic studies, promote, advertise and all those things can be HUGELY important…but when it’s all said and done? - Only by the grace of God does anything truly flourish.


Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear.

I honestly despise my dad

Sick of life's troubles. Why does the worst have to come when the best just arrived?

And well, I made it in INSTYLE magazine

The down side is, my father is someone who I never want to call a dad, I never look up to him, but I still treat him like he's my dad even though there is absolutely no appreciation

feels like giving up

sadness

there's not much else but sadness & disappointment

fasting

faith

prayer


and I still fail....

my dad is getting worse

laptop charger is broken. I can not edit my resume or download the photos for portfolio.

interview @ world square this sat. how will I go ?

how will tomorrow turn out like

will I fail again ?

I want to give up .....


but I won't

Beautiful Sunday

I really don't understand why but I feel really fresh and good this morning. I mean the moment I wake up I feel like today is going to be a great day. I feel
Quite joyful and positive which is different to how u usually feel. As I was looking back to the previous entries I find the sAme pattern. I tend to feel amazingly good on Sunday no matter how bad my week was. I actually feel like working out today and can't wait. To go outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and being at church. I love Jesus so much and wish him a lovely father!s day with lots of prayers and worship going to his name and the person he is. God is so amazing!!!