Jesus, it's so hard and tiring to do all these things.... But God, I WANT to do it. That's the thing. No matter how tired I get, I WANT to do it. I WANT THIS. I want it REAL bad....
Well let's re-cap today shall we. I had work today and it was slow and boring. I always remind myself of you and how...
All the good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly light, who do not change like shifting shadow....
Yes, that's what I remind myself all the time. As well as how everything is possible when I'm with you. Nothing is impossible. There's some issue about Ana at work today but I don't want to even talk about it. I find it just simply ridiculous.
I don't think I will hit my target this week because it has been quite slow, but THAT'S OKAY :) I'm still happy. I'm still content with God and I'm thankful for EVERYTHING He has given me.
Jesus. I wasn't sure if I should go to the Tea Party today but I'm glad I did. I met Krysta for the first time today and I have to say that she just exudes joy. Now, speaking about that, we're slowly heading back to my challenge........... The challenge of the outer appearance. Well once again, I want to make it clear that, THAT'S what I want to be like. I want to be
CAREFREE
JOYFUL
HAPPY
and I just don't want to have to worry about the way I look or the way people think of me. I know that God thinks highly of me and I should just believe that. At the end of the day, I'm a princess who is living in this foreign land. Not everyone knows my true identity but that doesn't mean that I should just live like a peasant. I may be yoked in the society and be made as one, but I have to hold myself together and keep the posture up, I have to constantly remind myself of my true identity and not be disheartened when trouble comes. I am a princess of the Most High God, and one day I will be revealed for all to see. I have to prepare myself, I have to exercise my character. Thank you Jesus.
Just talking about me makes me so much less stress and worried....
Well let's talk about Wella Trend for a second. I'm a bit scared, but I'm not. I'm scared cz I don't have a model right now but I'm not because I know you will provide. YOU WILL.
Jesus I really need a model God, I need the right model. There are a billion things on my mind right now and I can't go to sleep peacefully knowing that these thoughts are still bouncing back and forth in my mind. I have to jot them down and make them clear.
Well now I have a photographer who is willing to take on the task. My only concern is
- where will we shoot?
- do I have to pay for the studio or will Khee pay for it?
- will Khee and Liam be okay with the fact that I'm doing this on separate day by myself?
And I've also gotten an amazing MUA, I hope I can learn something from her because she does hair as well.
- I need to meet up with her to ask her for ideas.
I have Jess to help me with the styling and hope this will go amazingly well. Just like last year but even better this time! Even BETTER because I feel God's strength more than a billion times. I feel God's presence in everything I do and I feel God's faithfulness in each thing I see. I know he will deliver! I will be meeting up with Jess after the 5pm service this sunday. SOOOOO....
- I need to get all of my ideas together. All of my mood board together.
- I need to go and print out the pictures ect and gather inspirations.
- I need to make a PDF file to send to the photographer: Rai /MUA: Lianne/Jess
- I need to meet up with the photographer & MUA to exchange ideas about the shoot. I'm planning to do it this coming week.
Well last but not least I NEED A MODEL!!
SO PLEASEEEE JESUSSSSSSS!!!
I BELIEVE IN YOU
I TRUST IN YOU
WITH ALL MY HEART
MY SOUL
MY STRENGTH
MY SPIRIT
WITH ALL THAT I AM
THAT YOU WILL DELIVER WHAT YOU HAVE PROMISED AND YOU WILL NEVER FAIL US
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm actually happy
Dear God.
It's been a long time since I truly felt 'happy'
I don't remember the last time. Maybe I do. The scenes from 09 keeps popping in my head every time I want to remind myself how I want to feel. I just remember being in the city for Uni, being in lectures, being with Caroline or myself, walking down George st, eating out, having lunch and I was just really carefree. I was 'happy' when I didn't even try to be. I was just happy! I missed that you know. I hated how lately, especially during these past few months. I hate it how I'm always trying and trying and trying to be someone else I'm not. Or maybe hiding my true self. I finally had a talk today with Rochel. I don't even remember how I first met her but I can only say that she is the true presentation of 'joy'. She is always so cheerful and joyful and happy and bubbly. And when I think of who I want to be like, for some reasons I want to be like Rochel. I don't want to be LIKE her, but I want to have what she has, that is the spirit of boldness and confidence. And I believe that comes from knowing God and 'whose' I am. I'm so glad I opened up to her. I'm so glad I went to Sisterhood this morning. I'm glad we had coffee with Leighton, I'm glad we went for lunch at Newtown, I'm glad we went to the park afterward, I'm glad I opened up and so did she. I was just ... at peace and carefree!!! I didn't care what others were saying or thinking. We prayed at the park and I believed that it was really powerful because me and Rochel prayed together: hence the power of two. I was truly relaxed and happy at the park behind King st. It felt so peaceful, and I felt God was so good and warm to me. I felt his cool breeze and the amazing softness of the grass. The sky was blue, clear and high. It was just.. really beautiful.
Caroline gave me an assignment and I'm HOPING to complete it this Sunday: to go to Bondi beach WITHOUT make up, wearing short and singlet... and Smile.. I think I can do it :)
I feel so free and comfortable when I'm at home having no make up on, wearing a shirt and shorts. I was only worry about what others think of me.
But then I thought; what ultimately matters is what God thinks of me, not others. Why do I need to care about stranger's opinions of me when God told me that I am beautiful. And if I LOVE myself like THIS then why won't I present myself like this before people. Maybe it's because I'm in an image-driven industry and I have to present myself professionally before my clients. But then again, it's one thing to have your make up done daily, but it's another thing NOT feeling pretty when you DON'T have make up on. And that is my problem.
I've come to a realisation that I can present myself how I choose to present myself. I can be happy, I don't have to hide behind the true person that God made me. I don't have to be uncomfortable. I just need to love ME. And the one thing that really striked me today is:
Stop Pretending.....
Yes, I have to stop pretending. I have to stop being so self conscious. I don't think I'm pretending but somehow that really got my attention. I think I'm pretending to be pretty and not believe it myself. I think I should just
Stop Trying......
Yes stop trying to be a people's pleaser. Stop trying so hard to make myself look good. No, it's not bad to exercise and eat right. But don't do it if I don't enjoy it. Don't do it if it's a chore. Don't do it if it makes you frustrated and unhappy. Do it because you feel 'happy' doing. And to be honest. I'm really happy. I've done 3 of Zuzana's work out this week and I feel incredible. And the amazing thing is that I WANTED to do. I even did it at 11pm at night after seeing Caroline. Yes, THAT'S dedication right there!!
I'm going to stop trying :) because I don't need to. I don't have to TRY to eat right, because I DO eat right all the time (well most of the time). and I DO love exercising. I do feel confident with myself so I should'y try to dress otherwise just to make myself look 'better' in front of others, or worst 'hiding' the body parts that I THINK I hate. But who cares what they think. Like seriously, I don't even care if fat people are fat, so what makes me think that people will care if they see me. UNLESS, I'm seeking attention and want people to LIKE me. Clearly everyone wants to be wanted, but I have to believe that not everyone likes me. There are always haters, but there are also many lovers. You just have to surround yourselves with the right type of people. People who bring you closer to your calling. People who water your soil and help you grow. People who appreciate and speaks life into you. People who sees your potential and encourages you to do something totally out of your zone. But most of all, surrounding myself with God's words, His presence and embrace the love that He has to offer, which is immense love, which is crazy love, which is everlasting love that makes you drunk and kneel beside your bed and cry. That type of love has mercy in it. It has forgiveness in it. It has a supernatural strength to heal the burden in your heart like no medicine could ever cure a disease. That medicine is the holy spirit. That renewed strength is God's amazing Grace. Jesus' name, that's the name that makes the devil crumbles, that makes the devil shivers with fear. That name speaks of protection and everlasting love, joy, peace, faith, strength, hope, our deepest desires, our deepest needs, our miracles, our daily bread, our water, our breaths, our dreams, our souls, our smiles, our lives, our futures and the destinies he had planned alllll along, before the creation of the earth.
I'm happy, and even though there are a billion things I need to get done, I enjoy dwelling in His spirit more than anything right now. I have to study for Interior Design, I have to email the model to meet up, I have to contact the photographer, I have to put together a mood board ASAP so I can have a clear vision of what I want to do for Wella Trend. I want to win this year, seriously I want to win. No not for fame, not for money. It's for the fact that I know I am capable wit God. It's to prove that if I have God I can do anything, especially when God has placed this dream in my heart.
I also need to refund all those jewellery to Diva so I can get my money back. And some other things as well, I can't remember. But that doesn't matter because you know what, I'm happy, like not happy happy joy joy, but like content happy... peaceful happy....I'm satisfied. And I hope I can stay like this. I want a good foundation for God to work through me. I still believe I am the Gold Utensil for God's Kingdom, and I'm holding onto his revelation: Through me, God WILL change nations and the world. That seems quite ridiculous right now, but I have faith. Jesus is faithful. He is always faithful, and he never takes away his promises.
Love you so much Jesus.
It's been a long time since I truly felt 'happy'
I don't remember the last time. Maybe I do. The scenes from 09 keeps popping in my head every time I want to remind myself how I want to feel. I just remember being in the city for Uni, being in lectures, being with Caroline or myself, walking down George st, eating out, having lunch and I was just really carefree. I was 'happy' when I didn't even try to be. I was just happy! I missed that you know. I hated how lately, especially during these past few months. I hate it how I'm always trying and trying and trying to be someone else I'm not. Or maybe hiding my true self. I finally had a talk today with Rochel. I don't even remember how I first met her but I can only say that she is the true presentation of 'joy'. She is always so cheerful and joyful and happy and bubbly. And when I think of who I want to be like, for some reasons I want to be like Rochel. I don't want to be LIKE her, but I want to have what she has, that is the spirit of boldness and confidence. And I believe that comes from knowing God and 'whose' I am. I'm so glad I opened up to her. I'm so glad I went to Sisterhood this morning. I'm glad we had coffee with Leighton, I'm glad we went for lunch at Newtown, I'm glad we went to the park afterward, I'm glad I opened up and so did she. I was just ... at peace and carefree!!! I didn't care what others were saying or thinking. We prayed at the park and I believed that it was really powerful because me and Rochel prayed together: hence the power of two. I was truly relaxed and happy at the park behind King st. It felt so peaceful, and I felt God was so good and warm to me. I felt his cool breeze and the amazing softness of the grass. The sky was blue, clear and high. It was just.. really beautiful.
Caroline gave me an assignment and I'm HOPING to complete it this Sunday: to go to Bondi beach WITHOUT make up, wearing short and singlet... and Smile.. I think I can do it :)
I feel so free and comfortable when I'm at home having no make up on, wearing a shirt and shorts. I was only worry about what others think of me.
But then I thought; what ultimately matters is what God thinks of me, not others. Why do I need to care about stranger's opinions of me when God told me that I am beautiful. And if I LOVE myself like THIS then why won't I present myself like this before people. Maybe it's because I'm in an image-driven industry and I have to present myself professionally before my clients. But then again, it's one thing to have your make up done daily, but it's another thing NOT feeling pretty when you DON'T have make up on. And that is my problem.
I've come to a realisation that I can present myself how I choose to present myself. I can be happy, I don't have to hide behind the true person that God made me. I don't have to be uncomfortable. I just need to love ME. And the one thing that really striked me today is:
Stop Pretending.....
Yes, I have to stop pretending. I have to stop being so self conscious. I don't think I'm pretending but somehow that really got my attention. I think I'm pretending to be pretty and not believe it myself. I think I should just
Stop Trying......
Yes stop trying to be a people's pleaser. Stop trying so hard to make myself look good. No, it's not bad to exercise and eat right. But don't do it if I don't enjoy it. Don't do it if it's a chore. Don't do it if it makes you frustrated and unhappy. Do it because you feel 'happy' doing. And to be honest. I'm really happy. I've done 3 of Zuzana's work out this week and I feel incredible. And the amazing thing is that I WANTED to do. I even did it at 11pm at night after seeing Caroline. Yes, THAT'S dedication right there!!
I'm going to stop trying :) because I don't need to. I don't have to TRY to eat right, because I DO eat right all the time (well most of the time). and I DO love exercising. I do feel confident with myself so I should'y try to dress otherwise just to make myself look 'better' in front of others, or worst 'hiding' the body parts that I THINK I hate. But who cares what they think. Like seriously, I don't even care if fat people are fat, so what makes me think that people will care if they see me. UNLESS, I'm seeking attention and want people to LIKE me. Clearly everyone wants to be wanted, but I have to believe that not everyone likes me. There are always haters, but there are also many lovers. You just have to surround yourselves with the right type of people. People who bring you closer to your calling. People who water your soil and help you grow. People who appreciate and speaks life into you. People who sees your potential and encourages you to do something totally out of your zone. But most of all, surrounding myself with God's words, His presence and embrace the love that He has to offer, which is immense love, which is crazy love, which is everlasting love that makes you drunk and kneel beside your bed and cry. That type of love has mercy in it. It has forgiveness in it. It has a supernatural strength to heal the burden in your heart like no medicine could ever cure a disease. That medicine is the holy spirit. That renewed strength is God's amazing Grace. Jesus' name, that's the name that makes the devil crumbles, that makes the devil shivers with fear. That name speaks of protection and everlasting love, joy, peace, faith, strength, hope, our deepest desires, our deepest needs, our miracles, our daily bread, our water, our breaths, our dreams, our souls, our smiles, our lives, our futures and the destinies he had planned alllll along, before the creation of the earth.
I'm happy, and even though there are a billion things I need to get done, I enjoy dwelling in His spirit more than anything right now. I have to study for Interior Design, I have to email the model to meet up, I have to contact the photographer, I have to put together a mood board ASAP so I can have a clear vision of what I want to do for Wella Trend. I want to win this year, seriously I want to win. No not for fame, not for money. It's for the fact that I know I am capable wit God. It's to prove that if I have God I can do anything, especially when God has placed this dream in my heart.
I also need to refund all those jewellery to Diva so I can get my money back. And some other things as well, I can't remember. But that doesn't matter because you know what, I'm happy, like not happy happy joy joy, but like content happy... peaceful happy....I'm satisfied. And I hope I can stay like this. I want a good foundation for God to work through me. I still believe I am the Gold Utensil for God's Kingdom, and I'm holding onto his revelation: Through me, God WILL change nations and the world. That seems quite ridiculous right now, but I have faith. Jesus is faithful. He is always faithful, and he never takes away his promises.
Love you so much Jesus.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Amazing talk with Caroline.
Thank you Jesus.
Can I just ask why you are so great. How can you be this kind & gracious. Lord you are absolutely amazing. I'm sooooo glad I met up with Caroline tonight!! I love her & I am now pretty sure that she is the mentor I've been praying for. Thank you for speaking truth into me Jesus. I have an assignment to do on Sunday & I'm quite nervous & anxious. I'm not sure how I will feel afterward. Will I feel any different? Will I feel the same? Will it give me more self confidence? Will it adjust my thinking slightly & change my mental thinking for the better?
I trust in you Jesus & I know you have a lesson to teach me.
Can I just ask why you are so great. How can you be this kind & gracious. Lord you are absolutely amazing. I'm sooooo glad I met up with Caroline tonight!! I love her & I am now pretty sure that she is the mentor I've been praying for. Thank you for speaking truth into me Jesus. I have an assignment to do on Sunday & I'm quite nervous & anxious. I'm not sure how I will feel afterward. Will I feel any different? Will I feel the same? Will it give me more self confidence? Will it adjust my thinking slightly & change my mental thinking for the better?
I trust in you Jesus & I know you have a lesson to teach me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
God is faithful :)
Yes so as I was saying....
Everything I had in my bank account I gave it all to God even the $2000 that didn't even belong to me. But oh well it was in my account. I wasn't worried at all when all those money were gone because to me money is nothing. It's only a medium to attain extra things in life. Even loosing money through an EBay scam didn't make me go crazy. I just prayed that God can forgive whoever did that. It was a lot of money to say the least. Well I really feel like God is blessing me & showing me the way slowly but surely. I liked the message by Julia Abelle yesterday. Yes, we have to wait patiently upon the lord and when nothing happens we should not get tempted to opt for an easier option but stay put & steadfast in what we are doing for the harvest is on its way & your hard work will pay off.
I thank God for the opportunity to do freelance hair. I thank God so much for helping me with the first step & continued to help me with all of the remaining clients. Yesterday I made $130 from 3 clients. 2 cuts that was $35 each but they paid me $40 each instead. And there was a blow-dry for $50. Today I had $10 tips too so that went to pay for my bus ticket. I'm quite conscious about what I spend on now. I have to :) and all those money that I've earned I've put it towards investing my Bio Ionic One Pass miracle straightened. I've just purchased it :)
Today's WO with Zuzana was great :) I hope to continue tomorrow with the power of God :)
Thanks Jesus!
Everything I had in my bank account I gave it all to God even the $2000 that didn't even belong to me. But oh well it was in my account. I wasn't worried at all when all those money were gone because to me money is nothing. It's only a medium to attain extra things in life. Even loosing money through an EBay scam didn't make me go crazy. I just prayed that God can forgive whoever did that. It was a lot of money to say the least. Well I really feel like God is blessing me & showing me the way slowly but surely. I liked the message by Julia Abelle yesterday. Yes, we have to wait patiently upon the lord and when nothing happens we should not get tempted to opt for an easier option but stay put & steadfast in what we are doing for the harvest is on its way & your hard work will pay off.
I thank God for the opportunity to do freelance hair. I thank God so much for helping me with the first step & continued to help me with all of the remaining clients. Yesterday I made $130 from 3 clients. 2 cuts that was $35 each but they paid me $40 each instead. And there was a blow-dry for $50. Today I had $10 tips too so that went to pay for my bus ticket. I'm quite conscious about what I spend on now. I have to :) and all those money that I've earned I've put it towards investing my Bio Ionic One Pass miracle straightened. I've just purchased it :)
Today's WO with Zuzana was great :) I hope to continue tomorrow with the power of God :)
Thanks Jesus!
I guess it's the beginning. ZUZANA #1!!
I can't say much more but thank you to God for helping me realise to just take it one day at a time. I don't need to worry about what tomorrow will bring. I just have to live through today. I just have to give it my best for what ever that I am doing TODAY!
I've realised that because God knows that I can't deal with too much at once or planning too far ahead, he has made 'a' day not with 500 HOURS but with 24 hours. He knows that, that's all we have to worry about: those 24 hours. And when a new day begins, we can take care of the new day with the new plan. I mean, you can still plan your time but not to stress or get anxious about what's going to happen or NOT going to happen.
I seriously didn't feel like doing anything today but I had 3 clients before I had to go to Paddington for a Seminar with Nikki Malone. Yeah it was good: exceeding client's expectation, that was the title of the talk. It was helpful and one thing I'd like to challenge myself from now is to
- Make an effort to invite the client back BEFORE I take off the gown.
A good news to prove how faithful God is :) For the past 2 weeks I've been meeting my target. HOORAYY!! :)
I used to think it was really hard, I used to think it was not achievable at this time. I was telling my boss that I will meet it in May or June, but it's only FEB and I've met it!!! YAY YAY YAY, Okay none of the glory goes to me. It all goes to God. No seriously God helped me did it all. I did nothing really. He gave me the opportunity and I took it. I'm glad that I did everything I could. I took up even just a fringe trim or like a late appointment or a simple blowdry ect. I know at the end of the day the all add up. (Now that makes me think of my effort in keeping fit, yes it all adds up at the end of the day :))
So yes, my target each week is $2600 ex GST, so I managed to make $2643 I think 2 weeks ago, and last week I think I made just close to $2700. I'm pushing myself because I'm going to Milan this July and I still need to save up for the tickets. I haven't purchased it and I need to do it REAL soon. However, I know even if I'm late, God will still provide a way because He is awesome :) and Great!!!
I have to work from scratch. I have to make money from scratch. No one knows but just like last month. I gave up everything I had for God. I was so full of faith that what I give up for God, God can use it a billion times better than I can. .....
Okay sis needs to use the comp..
brb
BodyRocker Justina – Team Lithuania
Hi Zuzana and Freddy,
My name is Justina – I am Lithuanian and have been living in London
for 7 years now.
for 7 years now.
I wanted to say THANK YOU guys for your workouts!! I have been
following you since September 2010 and I can not describe enough how
happier I am with myself now. I used to do spin, body attack and body
pump classes in the gym, however I could not see any improvements.
Since I started doing your HIIT workouts I feel more energised, have a
better attitude towards life and I just never want to stop! I love the
intensity of your exercises, the variety of your exercises and your
huge inspiration to us, bodyrockers!!!! My boyfriend, David, who is a
Royal Marine Commando, loves doing your workouts too and he finds them
challenging as well!
following you since September 2010 and I can not describe enough how
happier I am with myself now. I used to do spin, body attack and body
pump classes in the gym, however I could not see any improvements.
Since I started doing your HIIT workouts I feel more energised, have a
better attitude towards life and I just never want to stop! I love the
intensity of your exercises, the variety of your exercises and your
huge inspiration to us, bodyrockers!!!! My boyfriend, David, who is a
Royal Marine Commando, loves doing your workouts too and he finds them
challenging as well!
I always had big legs and could never even imagine wearing a short
skirt, however yesterday for the first time in my life I wore the
shortest dress ever! David took me out for a lovely Valentine’s meal
and for the first time EVER I did not feel embarassed of my body! If
not for bodyrock I probably would have never been able to wear that
dress!!!!! That's how I feel <---
skirt, however yesterday for the first time in my life I wore the
shortest dress ever! David took me out for a lovely Valentine’s meal
and for the first time EVER I did not feel embarassed of my body! If
not for bodyrock I probably would have never been able to wear that
dress!!!!! That's how I feel <---
Bodyrock has became my way of life. I swear by it. I live by it. I
always push hard, I don’t do “barely there” routines. I watch what I
eat. My body is not a rubbish bin – I look carefully what I put in it.
I love Zuzana’s and bodyrockers recipies and we have tried most of
them. I want to keep on BODYrocking! I NEVER WANT TO STOP!
always push hard, I don’t do “barely there” routines. I watch what I
eat. My body is not a rubbish bin – I look carefully what I put in it.
I love Zuzana’s and bodyrockers recipies and we have tried most of
them. I want to keep on BODYrocking! I NEVER WANT TO STOP!
One day we hope to meet you guys and fellow bodyrockers; do a thousand
burpees; go for healthy dinner and dance until the morning!!!!!
burpees; go for healthy dinner and dance until the morning!!!!!
There is one really good exercise that we use – we call it hand step
ups – it works your core and upper body and is pretty hard! You get
into plank position facing a step (lower stairs or a sofa without the
cushions on). Put one hand on the step, then push yourself up and put
next hand on the step. Then put one hand on the floor and another one
on the floor back into plank position ( I attach a picture of myself
doing it). Whe you do it for 50 or 30 seconds for 4 rounds you can
sooooooooooo feel it in your abs!!
ups – it works your core and upper body and is pretty hard! You get
into plank position facing a step (lower stairs or a sofa without the
cushions on). Put one hand on the step, then push yourself up and put
next hand on the step. Then put one hand on the floor and another one
on the floor back into plank position ( I attach a picture of myself
doing it). Whe you do it for 50 or 30 seconds for 4 rounds you can
sooooooooooo feel it in your abs!!
So once again – THANK YOU GUYS – LET’S KEEP ON BODYROCKING!!!!!
I attach some pictures of mysefl. 2 pictures are from last night and
me wearing that short short dress FINALLY – hahahaha! ;)))
me wearing that short short dress FINALLY – hahahaha! ;)))
Lots of LOVE
Justina xx
Sunday, February 27, 2011
:( :( sad again....
Okay so today is Sunday and I had church this morning.
I felt like God is blessing me with what He wants me to do. However towards the end of the day I feel somewhat, lifeless and out of energy. I felt sad for some reasons.
Well I was thinking of the people that means a lot in my life and began to feel so grateful for the opportunity to befriend those lovely companions in my life. I don't have a lot of friends (close friends that is). Closest to me would be Sveta, Caroline and Maiee (my cousin). Although I rarely see Sveta, she always have work and is either too tired, work late night or have someone over. I'd like to see her more. Caroline has a lot of work as well, so we see each other sometimes on a regular basis. Maiee my cousin, I think I see her quite often, only because she drives and she's up for anything. There are a few that I feel are my guide, people that give me direction and words of encouragement when I need it. Those people I think are: Jo, Sandra, Anibi, (I used to be close with Xiao Wei but we havent talked in a while), Leighton (I come to him for prayer requests more so than to 'talk'... I don't know, he feels more like up up there)
Anyone else...? I'm surprised at how few friends I have. I'd love to have more friends that I can turn to...I don't go to the saturday service that much so I can't really hang out. Connect group doesn't even happen that often and Sunday 7pm service is too late for me so I tend to go to the 11am or 5pm...
I feel sad... but thankful?
I wonder if I'm suffering from an eating disorder. I want to check up the symptoms to see if I do. I know I'm over-eating for sure. I'm suffering from emotional eating.
I just weighed myself today, and I weighed the heaviest now compare to any time in the past: at 53 kgs.
That's a lot for me. I wasn't upset when I saw it. I was really sad, like extremely sad, but still accept it? Because obviously it's reality. Photos show too. Photos don't lie...
I want to be the size of how I was in 2009. Although I weighed reallyyyyyy less which is 43 kgs but I would like to be much much more tone with more muscles than fat. So technically I can still look the same but weigh at 45-47.
I'd like to be at 47-48 kgs, that will be fantastic. I don't remember the last time I wore jeans. I don't think they really fit me anymore... I just wear stockings with skirts now. I tend to wear a lot of loose stuff too. Yes, to hide away the imperfections that I see. I just really dislike my arms right now. I prefer for it to be more tone and thinner, more angular and less rounded.
I want to start eating right again and exercising as well, but where is the motivation? Just start? But what's the point when I will stuff up again?
Why am I so negative?..
What if I will succeed this time?
But I said that last time!
I'm so sad.
Why do I eat even when I'm not hungry?
Is it because I feel like I will be deprived?
But it's a mental trick! Nothing is deprived.
I have to love what I do more, love what I eat more. The right food that is.
But why has food become something so hard to overcome.
Why do I fast and give up?
God sees my hardship, troubles and pain.
God is faithful.
God has been talking to me about faithfulness all day today: at church: on Tumblr: from my previous diary entries: my iphone bible...
I know God is faithful, but why is this so hard? Please help me??? I just want to cry.
I've been wanting this for 8 years now. But I keep failing and failing and failing..
:(
I felt like God is blessing me with what He wants me to do. However towards the end of the day I feel somewhat, lifeless and out of energy. I felt sad for some reasons.
Well I was thinking of the people that means a lot in my life and began to feel so grateful for the opportunity to befriend those lovely companions in my life. I don't have a lot of friends (close friends that is). Closest to me would be Sveta, Caroline and Maiee (my cousin). Although I rarely see Sveta, she always have work and is either too tired, work late night or have someone over. I'd like to see her more. Caroline has a lot of work as well, so we see each other sometimes on a regular basis. Maiee my cousin, I think I see her quite often, only because she drives and she's up for anything. There are a few that I feel are my guide, people that give me direction and words of encouragement when I need it. Those people I think are: Jo, Sandra, Anibi, (I used to be close with Xiao Wei but we havent talked in a while), Leighton (I come to him for prayer requests more so than to 'talk'... I don't know, he feels more like up up there)
Anyone else...? I'm surprised at how few friends I have. I'd love to have more friends that I can turn to...I don't go to the saturday service that much so I can't really hang out. Connect group doesn't even happen that often and Sunday 7pm service is too late for me so I tend to go to the 11am or 5pm...
I feel sad... but thankful?
I wonder if I'm suffering from an eating disorder. I want to check up the symptoms to see if I do. I know I'm over-eating for sure. I'm suffering from emotional eating.
I just weighed myself today, and I weighed the heaviest now compare to any time in the past: at 53 kgs.
That's a lot for me. I wasn't upset when I saw it. I was really sad, like extremely sad, but still accept it? Because obviously it's reality. Photos show too. Photos don't lie...
I want to be the size of how I was in 2009. Although I weighed reallyyyyyy less which is 43 kgs but I would like to be much much more tone with more muscles than fat. So technically I can still look the same but weigh at 45-47.
I'd like to be at 47-48 kgs, that will be fantastic. I don't remember the last time I wore jeans. I don't think they really fit me anymore... I just wear stockings with skirts now. I tend to wear a lot of loose stuff too. Yes, to hide away the imperfections that I see. I just really dislike my arms right now. I prefer for it to be more tone and thinner, more angular and less rounded.
I want to start eating right again and exercising as well, but where is the motivation? Just start? But what's the point when I will stuff up again?
Why am I so negative?..
What if I will succeed this time?
But I said that last time!
I'm so sad.
Why do I eat even when I'm not hungry?
Is it because I feel like I will be deprived?
But it's a mental trick! Nothing is deprived.
I have to love what I do more, love what I eat more. The right food that is.
But why has food become something so hard to overcome.
Why do I fast and give up?
God sees my hardship, troubles and pain.
God is faithful.
God has been talking to me about faithfulness all day today: at church: on Tumblr: from my previous diary entries: my iphone bible...
I know God is faithful, but why is this so hard? Please help me??? I just want to cry.
I've been wanting this for 8 years now. But I keep failing and failing and failing..
:(
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