Dear God.
It's been a long time since I truly felt 'happy'
I don't remember the last time. Maybe I do. The scenes from 09 keeps popping in my head every time I want to remind myself how I want to feel. I just remember being in the city for Uni, being in lectures, being with Caroline or myself, walking down George st, eating out, having lunch and I was just really carefree. I was 'happy' when I didn't even try to be. I was just happy! I missed that you know. I hated how lately, especially during these past few months. I hate it how I'm always trying and trying and trying to be someone else I'm not. Or maybe hiding my true self. I finally had a talk today with Rochel. I don't even remember how I first met her but I can only say that she is the true presentation of 'joy'. She is always so cheerful and joyful and happy and bubbly. And when I think of who I want to be like, for some reasons I want to be like Rochel. I don't want to be LIKE her, but I want to have what she has, that is the spirit of boldness and confidence. And I believe that comes from knowing God and 'whose' I am. I'm so glad I opened up to her. I'm so glad I went to Sisterhood this morning. I'm glad we had coffee with Leighton, I'm glad we went for lunch at Newtown, I'm glad we went to the park afterward, I'm glad I opened up and so did she. I was just ... at peace and carefree!!! I didn't care what others were saying or thinking. We prayed at the park and I believed that it was really powerful because me and Rochel prayed together: hence the power of two. I was truly relaxed and happy at the park behind King st. It felt so peaceful, and I felt God was so good and warm to me. I felt his cool breeze and the amazing softness of the grass. The sky was blue, clear and high. It was just.. really beautiful.
Caroline gave me an assignment and I'm HOPING to complete it this Sunday: to go to Bondi beach WITHOUT make up, wearing short and singlet... and Smile.. I think I can do it :)
I feel so free and comfortable when I'm at home having no make up on, wearing a shirt and shorts. I was only worry about what others think of me.
But then I thought; what ultimately matters is what God thinks of me, not others. Why do I need to care about stranger's opinions of me when God told me that I am beautiful. And if I LOVE myself like THIS then why won't I present myself like this before people. Maybe it's because I'm in an image-driven industry and I have to present myself professionally before my clients. But then again, it's one thing to have your make up done daily, but it's another thing NOT feeling pretty when you DON'T have make up on. And that is my problem.
I've come to a realisation that I can present myself how I choose to present myself. I can be happy, I don't have to hide behind the true person that God made me. I don't have to be uncomfortable. I just need to love ME. And the one thing that really striked me today is:
Stop Pretending.....
Yes, I have to stop pretending. I have to stop being so self conscious. I don't think I'm pretending but somehow that really got my attention. I think I'm pretending to be pretty and not believe it myself. I think I should just
Stop Trying......
Yes stop trying to be a people's pleaser. Stop trying so hard to make myself look good. No, it's not bad to exercise and eat right. But don't do it if I don't enjoy it. Don't do it if it's a chore. Don't do it if it makes you frustrated and unhappy. Do it because you feel 'happy' doing. And to be honest. I'm really happy. I've done 3 of Zuzana's work out this week and I feel incredible. And the amazing thing is that I WANTED to do. I even did it at 11pm at night after seeing Caroline. Yes, THAT'S dedication right there!!
I'm going to stop trying :) because I don't need to. I don't have to TRY to eat right, because I DO eat right all the time (well most of the time). and I DO love exercising. I do feel confident with myself so I should'y try to dress otherwise just to make myself look 'better' in front of others, or worst 'hiding' the body parts that I THINK I hate. But who cares what they think. Like seriously, I don't even care if fat people are fat, so what makes me think that people will care if they see me. UNLESS, I'm seeking attention and want people to LIKE me. Clearly everyone wants to be wanted, but I have to believe that not everyone likes me. There are always haters, but there are also many lovers. You just have to surround yourselves with the right type of people. People who bring you closer to your calling. People who water your soil and help you grow. People who appreciate and speaks life into you. People who sees your potential and encourages you to do something totally out of your zone. But most of all, surrounding myself with God's words, His presence and embrace the love that He has to offer, which is immense love, which is crazy love, which is everlasting love that makes you drunk and kneel beside your bed and cry. That type of love has mercy in it. It has forgiveness in it. It has a supernatural strength to heal the burden in your heart like no medicine could ever cure a disease. That medicine is the holy spirit. That renewed strength is God's amazing Grace. Jesus' name, that's the name that makes the devil crumbles, that makes the devil shivers with fear. That name speaks of protection and everlasting love, joy, peace, faith, strength, hope, our deepest desires, our deepest needs, our miracles, our daily bread, our water, our breaths, our dreams, our souls, our smiles, our lives, our futures and the destinies he had planned alllll along, before the creation of the earth.
I'm happy, and even though there are a billion things I need to get done, I enjoy dwelling in His spirit more than anything right now. I have to study for Interior Design, I have to email the model to meet up, I have to contact the photographer, I have to put together a mood board ASAP so I can have a clear vision of what I want to do for Wella Trend. I want to win this year, seriously I want to win. No not for fame, not for money. It's for the fact that I know I am capable wit God. It's to prove that if I have God I can do anything, especially when God has placed this dream in my heart.
I also need to refund all those jewellery to Diva so I can get my money back. And some other things as well, I can't remember. But that doesn't matter because you know what, I'm happy, like not happy happy joy joy, but like content happy... peaceful happy....I'm satisfied. And I hope I can stay like this. I want a good foundation for God to work through me. I still believe I am the Gold Utensil for God's Kingdom, and I'm holding onto his revelation: Through me, God WILL change nations and the world. That seems quite ridiculous right now, but I have faith. Jesus is faithful. He is always faithful, and he never takes away his promises.
Love you so much Jesus.
