Okay so today is Sunday and I had church this morning.
I felt like God is blessing me with what He wants me to do. However towards the end of the day I feel somewhat, lifeless and out of energy. I felt sad for some reasons.
Well I was thinking of the people that means a lot in my life and began to feel so grateful for the opportunity to befriend those lovely companions in my life. I don't have a lot of friends (close friends that is). Closest to me would be Sveta, Caroline and Maiee (my cousin). Although I rarely see Sveta, she always have work and is either too tired, work late night or have someone over. I'd like to see her more. Caroline has a lot of work as well, so we see each other sometimes on a regular basis. Maiee my cousin, I think I see her quite often, only because she drives and she's up for anything. There are a few that I feel are my guide, people that give me direction and words of encouragement when I need it. Those people I think are: Jo, Sandra, Anibi, (I used to be close with Xiao Wei but we havent talked in a while), Leighton (I come to him for prayer requests more so than to 'talk'... I don't know, he feels more like up up there)
Anyone else...? I'm surprised at how few friends I have. I'd love to have more friends that I can turn to...I don't go to the saturday service that much so I can't really hang out. Connect group doesn't even happen that often and Sunday 7pm service is too late for me so I tend to go to the 11am or 5pm...
I feel sad... but thankful?
I wonder if I'm suffering from an eating disorder. I want to check up the symptoms to see if I do. I know I'm over-eating for sure. I'm suffering from emotional eating.
I just weighed myself today, and I weighed the heaviest now compare to any time in the past: at 53 kgs.
That's a lot for me. I wasn't upset when I saw it. I was really sad, like extremely sad, but still accept it? Because obviously it's reality. Photos show too. Photos don't lie...
I want to be the size of how I was in 2009. Although I weighed reallyyyyyy less which is 43 kgs but I would like to be much much more tone with more muscles than fat. So technically I can still look the same but weigh at 45-47.
I'd like to be at 47-48 kgs, that will be fantastic. I don't remember the last time I wore jeans. I don't think they really fit me anymore... I just wear stockings with skirts now. I tend to wear a lot of loose stuff too. Yes, to hide away the imperfections that I see. I just really dislike my arms right now. I prefer for it to be more tone and thinner, more angular and less rounded.
I want to start eating right again and exercising as well, but where is the motivation? Just start? But what's the point when I will stuff up again?
Why am I so negative?..
What if I will succeed this time?
But I said that last time!
I'm so sad.
Why do I eat even when I'm not hungry?
Is it because I feel like I will be deprived?
But it's a mental trick! Nothing is deprived.
I have to love what I do more, love what I eat more. The right food that is.
But why has food become something so hard to overcome.
Why do I fast and give up?
God sees my hardship, troubles and pain.
God is faithful.
God has been talking to me about faithfulness all day today: at church: on Tumblr: from my previous diary entries: my iphone bible...
I know God is faithful, but why is this so hard? Please help me??? I just want to cry.
I've been wanting this for 8 years now. But I keep failing and failing and failing..
:(
