Good news Good news :)

So my last post was on Tuesday. Since then it has been, Wednesday, Thursday and now today is Friday :)

I have really good news. I think God is really doing something in me. I'm different now. For the past 3 days I've been going to gym with absolutely no make up. I know people would really laugh at me if they did find out I only went when I already have make up on (which is in the night time) or if I go in the morning I would have to put on eyeliner and/or lashes, which honestly sound soooo ridiculous because who am I trying to impress? NO ONE!! Did I still want to look pretty "sweating"!? I don' think so. God has taken me out of my comfort zone which I'm so glad I have because I've been able to make so much use of my time this way. I didn't care what people think. I mean I do, but I don't let people's opinion affect the way I think of myself. Because in God's eyes, I'm beautiful and he only wishes for me to see the same thing, from HIS perspective. I think I'm finally getting there. It feels so good not having to take ages to get ready. I just pack my clothes, shoes, socks & water the day before, as soon as the alarm goes off, I have 2 options; the first one is always to 'press the snooze button', the 2nd is to cancel the alarm, and GET UP. That initial 2 minutes is the hardest. Going to the bathroom, feeling tired & sleepy! But as soon as I'm half way brushing my teeth, I WAKE UP! Maybe it's the minty smell in the toothpaste LoL I'm really not sure what it is, but IF I make the decision to GET UP, out of my bed, I know the rest is easy. I think 'momentum' is really important, you have to start somewhere right??

Well yes, so I'm back to the gym now and I hope I'm going to keep it up. I know I will. I'm not going to look at the past and haunt myself with the failures. What's done is done and God promises that He will do a NEW thing in my life, in each of our lives if we trust him. Life is a TEST, a TRUST & a TEMPORARY ASSIGNMENT as Rick Warren said in his book. That is so true and that concept has been flying around my head helping me to live for eternity. One more thing that I've noticed God is doing in me is; COMMITMENT. I've realised that when I train, if I told myself I'm going to do 10 minutes, I WILL do 10 minutes because I don't want to fail what I set out to do. If I said 'Okay, 15 reps' I WILL do 15 reps even if the 10th or 11th one seems so hard. I'm so thankful that god has given me new strength & commitment. I can't believe that I've been to the gym for the 3 days straight after not working out for soooooo long. I'm looking forward to seeing what God's reward for my persistence. He will do what he says he'd do :)

Tonight I'm also meeting up with my amazing model and Rai the photographer. I hope everything goes well and we can get an idea of what needs to be done for the colour. I honestly don't know what to do but this is not my battle but God's. He had given me this opportunity to showcase His creativity. I'm not going to take credit for anything since it was only because of Him that I got this far, and it's only because of Him that I will succeed in anything I do. I don't mind where I end up, winning or not winning, as long as I've done the will of God and that I have attempted my absolute best then that's all that matters. God sees the heart of his people. God is amazing and I want EVERYTHING I do to honour him and showcase His majesty.

You deserve it all Lord. I'm thankful for everything.

I've thought about worldly success. They don't mean a thing. People will remember you for a while but soon someone else will replace you. Your golden trophy will last for a while and then it will rust. You popularity will be temporary and soon, you'll just die. Given enough time, no one would know who you are. You're just a vapour that disappear within this vast universe. Only in Jesus will you reach and receive eternal life. And HOW you will for God will be remembered more than anything. God will judge you base on WHAT you did with His Son, Jesus. I pray that day by day, I will be refined to be more like him. It's good to get myself outside of my comfort zone. If I'm satisfied with everything and is laid-back, then I have no room to grow...

Okay... for some reasons I'm feeling a little sleepy but I don't want to go to sleep. I want to go to work early so I have some time relaxing outside... I don't know if I will though because I slept quite late last night!

Okay let see what happens. My eyes are like closing on me right now lol....

God speaking to me...

You were made for God, not
vice versa, and life is about letting God use
you for his purposes, not your using him for
your own purposes. The Bible says, “Obsession
with self in these matters is a dead end; attention
to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious,
free life.”


Listening to Brook Fraser ... Reading The Purpose Driven Life....

:( gained 2 cm everywhere

I don't know what to do again....

I'm stuck.. I'm stuck in this realm of image insecurity...

I just want to get away from this superficial world......

I tried on my jeans and I couldn't pull up the zipper. I don't remember the last time I wore jeans because I know how uncomfortable I'd feel wearing them and besides I didn't want my thighs to look humongous. 

I thought you've sent me a life-saver...but why does everything has to be revolved around money. I think a good diet and exercise regime would cure everything right?? Chinese medicine and stuff are so expensive.... $1500 for 10 treatments and $70 for a week worth of medicine.. I can't afford it especially when I'm still saving up for tickets to Milan..

Anibi just FB me and said she will be going to Barcelona this summer so she will be in Milan, which means we will get to see each other. I can't wait...

Lord when will ever get out of this mess? I know what I need to do but I have no energy to get up. I think I need to set goals but I don't know if I will stick with it because I tend to loose motivation very quickly, or even if I'm motivated, I loose momentum :(

Jesus how can I be helped?

You said you would help me Jesus. I was fine until I had to look for clothes to wear, then I realised I can't where anything because everything except for work clothes make me look fat. I can't wear sleeveless top out because I feel like the daylight is so bright that it will show all of my flaws. I don't want to show my legs because it's so white and untoned. Why do I have to be so self-conscious? This wont even matter especially when I'm coming to you soon. I'm leaving this materialistic world very soon. 

Okay, well tomorrow I have an appointment at the gym to do my program. It will be my first time back in 1 and half month. I just want to get moving. I want someone to push me. I can't do it on my own. Sveta was harsh on me and said if I don't do it, no one will. If I say I can't then I can't. She told me not to seek people's advice. But the problem with me is that I CAN'T DO IT BY MYSELF!! I loose momentum. I need Jesus. I need a mentor. I need someone to push me.....

I'm so stuck.... The more I see how well Zuzana and everyone else looks, the further I think I am to achieving it, hence I don't have motivation because I think I that will never be able to reach it no matter how hard I try. I always set goals and never finish. I want to set something and FINISH IT!!!!!! I want to!! I think if I achieve the physical image that I want, I can pretty much do anything I want because I've done the hardest thing there is to do....

Wondering why Anibi is still not on yet.... I want to talk to her.....

Nothing matters anymore...

Lord God, nothing matters anymore.

The more I think about eternity & the end of the world, the less important things seem to be. Like seriously, clothings, money, make up, my body, my materialistic dreams: they won't mean a thing. Everything seems so small now that I think of you. But God, not that those things are not important, they are important in the way that they teach me lessons you want me to go through. You want to refine my characters through those things & circumstances especially when this is such a visual world. I thank you for your faithfulness and your love. Your mercy and how you give me hope. I knew you would give. I knew you would provide exactly what I need Jesus.
So God I'm glad that now I think I have a model ready to come on board with this amazing team. I really do think we have an amazing team. I can't wait for everything to come together and I have a lot of hope for what's to come. I'd also like to fast for this journey as well but I'm just waiting for you to speak to me & tell me when. I'm not sure when I should fast so it would be great if you can just whisper (or shout) in my ears what needs to be done, that would be much appreciated.
Lord, it was pretty funny how yesterday Rai corrected me when I said "IF we make it as the finalist". He said "What's with the *if* we make it. It's WHEN we make it". That just makes me smile because that shows how dedicated he is and also how he sees potentials in our team :) I'm extremely happy. I know there will be challenges along the way but I need to stay close to you so I won't fall. I know you will always help me when I need help. You will stick by myself for always. The Holy Spirit will always guide me even when I don't feel it being there. You are a faithful God....

Jesus, there is also something I want to talk to you. I don't know exactly why you have placed me in the Hair industry but I do know it's for YOUR purpose. I don't know if I'm suppose to reach out to my colleagues about you or wait till a later date. Lord, I'm just so afraid and scared. I don't have the gut to talk to knowing how they really are and that they will reject your words. They're very upfront about their faith and laughed, or another one would say "I'm an atheist". I don't know what to do Jesus because I just don't want to sow seed on the rocks. But how am I suppose to know what you are able to do with such people. Who am I to judge what will happen or not happen. If I'm not doing something I'm meant to do please give me wisdom and the courage to step up and be bold, give me the confidence and the joy of the spirit. Please let your spirit flows through me always so that when people sees me, they will see you.

I'd like to go the gym today so I hope I will. If not, I'd like to do Zuzana's workout. I really want to get back on track. Sveta gave me a reality check so I need to really step up. I'd like to also go and print out the images & mood board for the shoot as well. On top of that I need to do my assignment and I don't even know what to do!!!! I hate writing down list of things I need to get done.

OMG I have art-team tonight :(((((((( okay that's my nighttttt goneeeeeeeeeeeee.It starts at 7 so I don't have much time....

I want to get into God's words as well.. so LORD HELP ME TO DO ALL THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. HELP ME TO PRIORITISE BECAUSE THAT'S MY PROBLEM!!!!!!

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TO HAVE PEACE AND HAVE CONSISTENCYYYYY!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

Jesus is coming

Jentezen Frankin

The power of a made up mind


We're in a battle with the enemy. We have a weapon and so do they. They're aiming at us with their gun from a far away distant. The only thing that will save us is if we pull the trigger....first! Decide what you want to do before it comes. Make up your mind and be prepared.

Sunday... Tired Sunday....

So today is my day off and I felt extremely tired and restless. I initially wanted to go church but when the time came I just didn't feel like it anymore. I know it's bad to put church as an option.....

I woke up quite early this morning and I just watched movies with Mum for a little while. After eating breakfast I decided to watch Foxtel then all of sudden I felt tired and fell asleep. I woke up, not bothered to do anything: my assignment, clean my room, set goals ect..... so I decided to just relax and watch TV. After a while, I was still tired so I went back to sleep and ended up waking at 6:30. Sveta called, and then I had dinner.

I feel like I wasted a day today. Wasted the hours that I can never take back. I feel bad but what can I do??

Sveta really gave me a reality check. She was telling me off and she was 'harsh'! But I guess that's what's friends are for. I don't want her to be nice to me but fake. I want her to be real and she was.

It was hard to accept what she said about me but it's true that I always seek approval from people or like seeking advice from them. Yes, the have expertise but no one can make me change but 'me'! I got to change myself and the inner drive comes from ME and no one else. Why do I have to keep asking people what I should do when I ALREADY know what I need to do. I shouldn't put too much expectations on myself to complete everything altogether right away. I should take one thing at a time and I have to prioritise. I have to write down what's important to me.

I think the reason why I don't want to give another try is because I've failed so much. I really have failed so much. But if I keep seeing my past as failures then I will never be able to succeed. I should see them as challenges & lessons to be learnt.

I told Sveta that I know what I should do but I just can't do them. And she said to me that I can't do them because I tell myself I CAN'T. I didn't want to believe it but ... then it is true. I make too much excuses. Besides, there has been bad experiences with the Gym so I don't really feel like going.  

There's another excuse.

I looked back at my diary from last year and I was very healthy. Ate so well and exercised regularly. I just want to get back to how I used to be or even better than anytime in my entire life.

I just have so much going on right now. I need to do the assignment for interior designing and I'm so lazy cz I'm tired. I know I need to clean my room but I'm lazy as well. I get frustrated because I still haven't found any model :( I don't know .. but I was slowly loosing hope. I have the whole team on board except for the model. What can I do without a model?

I must thank God for my photographer, Rai. I'm so thankful that he had help me so much in finding the model. He sent me a link this afternoon of this new model. She is 170cm so a little short for a model but she had good face structure which is good. I'm hoping we can finalise the model soon. Very soon! I really need it.

I'm thinking whether I should go gym tomorrow. But what do I do? I get lazy. I'm not a morning person. But if someone is accountable for me then I will do it no matter how tempting it may be. I don't get why I get tempt by the devil so much. He always tries to make me give up. Always make me go off-track..

Jesus I need you to help me to set new goals!

I want to live each day for you fully. Especially when the earth is coming to an end really soon. I want to be ready. I don't want to regret my last day. I want to live my life for you and make the most out of every single second I get given.

Since tomorrow is Monday, the start of a new week, I should really kick start everything. I think I should.

I'm going to get a calendar tomorrow from that basement book store. I actually like to write things on paper instead of putting it in my Iphone. It's a little more traditional but I think it's more helpful to keep track of things.

I'm just wondering if I will be wearing any make up to the gym....... It's so hard....... but what difference does that make anyway. I will still look the same. People will still look at me the same! I hear a quite voice from God telling me I don't need to wear make up to the Gym. Will I listen and be obedient???

Will I??

I know if Sveta was reading this she would probably chuck a fit. She would probably go crazyyyyyy!!!!!

I think I should go to the Gym tomorrow and organise a program to be done. So at least I can just start. Tomorrow is Monday and I hope God will allow me to give my best in everything I do. I hope he blesses me at work.

Tuesday is coming and there is art-team. I will be going eventhough that's my day off :( boo hoo hoo. But that's okay. I also need to print out the mood-board properly..... (now that makes me think of money)

I seriously don't earn that much money at all! I don't know if I hate it. I do... but having less makes me spend more wise. I seriously don't have much left anymore. I just had $740 or something put into my account and that's ONE week wage PLUS 2 weeks of commisions. NOW that's NOT much at all!!!!!!!

Just when I thought I can wait a few more weeks to buy the ticket, now I have to pay back $400 to mum cz of the $2000 she put in my account before the holiday. No, I don't regret giving to God even though it's so tough with so less. That would leave me with a little over $300 and I would have to wait till May to probably get my ticket. :( This really sucks. I hate how everything just revolves around money. I hate it.