Wanting to get away

So it is now the 8th of September. It's passed midnight and I really need to put my thoughts into words...

France, Paris... I think I belong there. My heart has always been drawn towards that place and I desperately want to go back. I'd love to live there. I don't know why but I really do believe it's God's desire for me to be there ultimately. I don't know for how long.

Don't know how long I will be doing hairdressing anymore. My interest in doing shoots is loosing.. Or perhaps, it is still there but my love for God is more. I prioritise God much more now. It's hard though: when there's an amazing shoot that is happening on a Sunday and I know I shouldn't do it. It's not about not working on a Holy Day, it's more symbolic of choosing to place God before other things, and the bigger the sacrifice, the more love you have for that person. I know soon, one day soon..very soon, I will have to be faced with that situation, but what will I say, what will happen? The opportunities I've always wanted is slipping out of my hands... I know it's coming..

But I choose you. I choose Jesus. And this life isn't about hairdressing. This life is about You. This life is about bringing people home to you. It's about living out my purpose. I don't even know what my purpose is...

And I don't want to have to think about guys anymore. I don't want to have to wonder about all these unnecessary thoughts anymore. I have to focus and keep looking to Jesus. I have to settle my own insecurities first. My own issues first. I have to really love myself first before I can believe that someone truly loves me.

I still wants cosmetic surgery.. There's one thing that really bothers me and I really want to get it done.

I'm doing well with my eating and exercise so far, I think it must be day 16 or something. But I'm happy for what I've done. I know progress don't come overnight and I have to be consistent.

Every time I get sad about 'man/love' issue; I just want to get away and work out.

I just want to be different. I don't want to blend in.

I want to look after my body.

Every time I get sad about the fact that, 'that' person hasn't arrived, it makes me want to work harder on myself because I want to give him the best me!

I want to get a tattoo for my birthday. I've been wanting it for at least 2 years now but have never had the guts to really do it. I wanted to do it for my birthday last year, but didn't. I really want to do it this year.

It's quite sad and scary to think that I will be gone in 3 months time. That I'm leaving them for good. I don't know if they have any idea or if they already expecting me to leave. I don't know if they would be happy for me to leave or would be sad that I'm leaving. I guess it doesn't really matter. I think he would be happy because he pays less wage.

I don't even know what job I will be doing. I just want something casual, temporarily and then I want to get out of here and explore the world. I would love to work at Watoto and then go Paris.

I'm sad because I will truly miss my clients. I really miss them. I will truly really miss them. But I guess they will move on. They will eventually find someone who does just a good job or even better.

I've lost quite a few clients... due to the fact that they decide to have someone else. I'm happy for that person, but it just pushes me to be better at my craft. But then again, truly I've only been doing this for 3 years. And I think for the amount of time I've been doing hairdressing, God has worked through me so much, I don't know how to thank him enough. Thank you Jesus.


I just want my body to look different.



And what about tomorrow, the afterparty....

Thinking about it makes me really restless because I haven't had the chance to speak to my team members one to one. And the attendance haven't been great. Barely anyone RSVP...

I don't know what to do but just hope for the best. Just pray that Jesus will work through us, and help make His presence known.

Just feel like giving up....

What will be the fruits of this....

jesus. I can't do this on my own. I can't.

I need your help, I need you to pull everything together. have people to be there. show people we do care and you care and you love us.

Life update.

So I haven't written anything here in a very long time. Mainly because I don't access to the computer much and so I forgot to make a note here. However, my note books have been filled up consistently. It is the 2nd of September today, it is Father's Day and also my little sister's birthday. I have to remember to go get her a cake. I didn't get her a birthday present. I don't know what to get her... but I think I still need to get her something for her sweet 16.

How's life lately for me? Work has been okay. My boss just came back from his trip in Toronto. It's been so quite, but was busy yesterday for the first time in a long time. I'm thinking of leaving soon and pursue what God has installed for me. I'm not exactly sure on what God is wanting to do through me but I know I'm preparing myself for a new season.

Afterparty is going okay. The attendance has decreased quite a lot but I think it's due to the weather. It's just too cold. Although, it doesn't really matter about the amount of people we get, because only Jesus brings people. I think as long as I am faithful with what he has given me then that's all that matters. I'm blessed to have such amazing people around but praying that he will equip them and myself to do more for him.

My connect group is going well too. I'm glad I have to go through the journey, we're getting more consistent with our attendance now but I still need spend more quality times with people. It's hard when I have work and other commitments with serving and planning for church. I'm quite excited to dedicate more of my time for Jesus.

So at the end of the year, I've already booked a cruise to Queensland for 10 days. It will be amazing. I'm very excited because I've never been on a cruise before.

I've been eating very healthily as well. It's the 13th day possibly. I've been extremely good compare to other times. I think the last time I was this strict with my eating was 3 years ago. I hope it can be consistent. I've been experiencing self esteem and weight issue as long as I could remember and I've never been entirely happy with how I am. I'm hoping this year will be different. I know it takes hard work and that's why I'm willing to do it. I'm so thankful that God brought back my love for fitness and health. The other night at church I put in a praise report and said how I was thankful for  Jesus, for giving me back my love for fitness and Nathan Miller read it out to the church. I just couldn't stop giggling on the inside because no one knows that it was me! I'm really thankful for Jesus for giving me the momentum. Thank you Jesus so much. I'm really hoping I will look the way I've been hoping in a long time. I know that physical appearance is not the most important thing but as a physical being we need to look after what God has put in our control. I thank God everyday for his provision.

I want to look back to this year and at least be happy for some things that I've set out as my new year resolution. One of the things I've always wanted to do was Salsa dancing. I've always wanted to try it out for so long now!! Although I didn't try that, I did try the Samba workshop last week at Latin Dance Australia, and it was a lot of fun. I'm really hoping to pursue that but it's so hard to find a class that doesn't overlap my working hours or connect group.

Apart of me still feel as though Jesus is urging me to learn Italian. He's been speaking to me since last year after my Europe trip, but I don't see any possible way of learning it. It's even harder not knowing why I have to learn it when he wants to take me to Paris.

I'm really hoping to go Paris next year. But where will I get the money. What will I do there. What job will I take after the come back from the trip.... I really need Jesus to take care of me.

Another thing is ...... It's hard to say. But there's someone that I liked/like, and not sure if it's right to like that person. It's just sad knowing that they don't know that you like them. What's even sadder is that I'm a traditional girl and doesn't initiate or approach. I believe the man will pursue you otherwise it is not mutual. Sometimes I wonder how long I have to wait and if Jesus says I will meet someone when I'm overseas then when will that me. That means I will not meet someone till next year or even the time after that. Yet I know whether or not we have someone, we still need to be happy with ourselves, single or attached.

I was watching a video on youtube today all about allowing that perfect man to find you etc.. and it comforted me a little. It wouldn't bother me as much if I did not like anyone, but if I do find interest in someone it's hard to forget about it and think that he's not the one. Maybe I just have to accept that fact. Probably he is not the one.

Maybe God is telling me that I still need to take care of myself. There are still issues with myself that I need to deal with.

1. A man in the presence of God
2. A man who has a job
3. A man who inspires you, protect you, cover you, nurture you.

How long do I have to wait...