My day today wasn't very productive. Mostly just resting and then bludging. I needed to rest because I was tired but I was really lazy because I didn't do any of my interior designing work. I feel like because it is self-paced, I tend to procrastinate which isn't a good idea. I just came home to another tutorial sent to me, so it is number 9 now and I'm still reading number 7. So I have 2 assignments I need to get done. I hope God can help me arrange time to do this. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it and commit to it! I need to get it done. It's a little difficult when no one is there doing it with you and you're just on you're own.. Well anyways I have to work tomorrow so I don't know if I'll be able to do some during the morning or I would have to wait until next week on Tuesday to do it :(
This morning I watched "The story of Ruth" on ACC and it was really good. It really touched me about her story and I ended up crying A LOT afterward while praying to God. I went to Powerhouse tonight as well. It was okay, I was hoping it would be better, but it was alright. I then caught up with Carol at San Churros, and we just talked about heaps of stuff. I told her about my story as well and my family and what I've been through ect. I feel like my testimony is so long and I'm kind of getting sick of telling it seriously. It's just so repetitive, but if it helps others then that's fine. So I also opened up to her about me, how I used to be really mean. And it was a little embarrassing because I've never actually told anyone of who I USED to be. I was really mean & really bad :( BUT I thank God that I am no longer that person. I'm a different person now.
We also talked about my revelation and about how mum would come to Christ one day. It made me think a lot about whether I would tell my mum I'm going to church the next time I go. Because I tend to be a bit hesitant or reluctant to say the truth. I don't know if it's awkwardness or fear, but I just can't say it even though I know nothing's going to happen. I mean she already knows that I DO go to church, she just doesn't know when. Well God has his way of working in people's life and I know he is doing something incredible in mum's life as well as my little sister's life. Their futures are so bright and amazing and I can't wait to see the outcome of God's faithfulness & their commitments toward God.
He is faithful..... The only thing is that.....I'm really confused and overwhelmed right now and I really need God to renew my strength and show me the right path and where he wants me to go.....
I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow so much....I'm so fearful of not being able to produce something great for my client. I'm being fearful of not pleasing them and giving them what they want. Worst of all is when they lie to me :(
Now I never feel like I'm good enough and I feel so not confident in my ability :(
I know I should stay faithful but sometimes I don't feel satisfied with what I've done...
I've got so much to learn and I just wish God can teach me how :( I don't know how, I don't know what to do :( I hate complaints, I hate redos, and I wonder how many more I have to go through. I hate how people think less of my ability and that my weaknesses are on show :( It makes me not want to do it because I don't feel good enough, even though this is something God called me to do....
I don't feel good enough :( I'm not good enough, I need you. Will you help me?? Will you really help me and show me that you will help me :(
I lost so much confidence and I don't feel good enough. I feel like I'm back to square one :( or even just below 0, negative......
I'm really disappointed in myself, and is sad every time I think about how many times there has been a redo, complaint, or talks from my boss concerning my skill.....
I don't really want to be there anymore, I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't know where God will take me with hairdressing...I just want to leave everything and do mission work or something.
Yes, I'm feeling pretty fed up...... again...
Ps: Thank you Jesus for helping my sister getting back on track. Thank you for allowing her to approach me and talk to me. Thank you for giving some sense back into her head and I know you're leading her back to you through me. Thank you that you have a great plan for her life and a real purpose for her future. Thank you that I may be apart of who she is and who she will become. Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
MOther's day....
I don't know how I am feeling at the moment. It is now 11:19 and I should be at church cz I really wanted to go, but it seems so late now. By the time I get change and stuff and get there, I'd miss half way through the preaching :(
I don't know if it was a good idea to go out last night. I was really tired cz I got home at 4:30 in the morning, slept for a few hours and I had to wake up at 9 to do colour for mum so I could go church afterward. But the colour started late and took longer than expected because I needed to blow dry and stuff as well so here I am, I have just finished. My sister is late for delivery so she had to go to the hospital to get it checked up. It's my mum day off today but now she has to work because Cong & Belinda is gone.
I haven't been to church and I miss it. I don't know why I didn't go last week. I think it was because I was really tired & unwell, and partly also because I was lazy. But you know, I don't like going to church at night because it gets in the way with mum, car and dinner and stuff. I prefer to go during the day just so it kickstart my day well.
I remember yesterday towards the end of working hours, I was just so tired. I don't know how that happened or the reason why. Maybe it was because I didn't have many clients. It was a saturday and usually it would be VERY busy but I only had TWO blowdry client. My day was extremely slow and no one wanted to be there.
So I haven't been clubbing in a LONG time & I don't like going because I don't like the scene of it. Yet, I still went last night. I mean honestly I thought it would be a short night, I thought we would go home early or something. We didn't get into the city until like 12:40 so that's really late. and went to Superbowl afterward. Oh well. Throughout the night, God was constantly in my mind. I prayed also that I hope I can keep myself from doing any wrong things. Because I know even if my spirit is willing, my flesh still wants to take over itself and sin. I had 2 drinks last night. I don't usually drink at all, and don't think I get drunk easily but I had to because they already bought the shots. I realise how much money you have to spend when you go out and stuff; with entry fees, drinks, transport if you're catching a cab home ect. But yeah, I have to admit it was a fun night, but to ask me if it was a productive night, I'd say no. I mean, if I didn't gone, I could've gone home and sleep early so I can wake up a little earlier this morning to do my mum's hair without feeling so tired, and I could've gone to church as well. I wished there was another service but there isn't. At first I felt a little odd being in the club once again after a very long time, and I was a little stiff, not dancing too much. And then, as the music got better, I danced and enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind all I thought was "Is THIS how I want to represent Christ? Just being the same as EVERYONE ELSE?'. I felt like I wasn't pleasing him and making him happy, because some of them don't know him and they know I know him and go to church. I don't want them to think that "wow, she's a christian and she still goes clubbing, and THAT'S a normal thing'. No I do not want people to think that of me and even when you're in a the wrong crowd it gives you a bad impression as well because they judge you as a whole. I just thought about how I'm going clubbing tonight and going to church tomorrow and be all holy and loving God. I felt like I was living a double life. I know this situation is VERY normal because I didn't do anything wrong! BUT, I'm also very hard and strict on myself. So that is why I want to live as much for God as possible eventhough it is so hard, especially when the world's way is the most common travelled route. I want to take one day at a time, but it seems like I've got to do so much. I mean I need to go cut hair at 3:30 and I totally forgot that church pm service isn't on tonight. And thinking about my interior designing stuff makes me cringe because it's long :( and too much and I need interaction; something which I don't get because I do correspondence. I would also like to put up my sale items on Ebay as well so I can start selling them off. I sold 2 items so far and I need to post them both on Monday. I've been saving my tips money for God as well. I'm thinking I'm going to save it up for the Heart for the House offering. I love Jesus and I know without him I am not able to do anything.
I NEED Jesus and I need to learn Italian. I'm excited but quite nervous about the whole trip thing. I'm going to find my way around on my own for the first time in a totally new country. I'm happy in a way that this just shows that God trusts me more now. Even he didn't, he wouldn't send me to a totally new non english speaking country.
I thought about this trip a few times as well and I had some doubt. I'm not sure if I was hasty in choosing to go to Italy for Interior Design because God didn't say that this would be apart of my life. He only mentioned Hairdressing. I don't know if I'm doing the will of God, but now that the ticket and everything has been paid, I just prayed that Jesus can open up new doors to give me opportunities to live more for him. I think there are so many things that God can do out of the bad and turn it into good, not that this trip is bad but I'm just saying that God's possibilities are endless and He is so creative and he can get you to do the most random thing and it would turn out to be the most memorable thing. I'm excited for God to work within my life whilst I'm there. I hope I don't displease God. I think back to my revelation about how God told me I will meet my partner when I'm travelling and I'm wondering if it would be this time. Inside of me, I'd like for it to, but I don't know if I'm ready or if HE (my future man) is ready. God said to me that I will be doing mission work as well so that would seem more like the place where potential is held. But God can do anything and things that are least expected is always the best. I'm wondering if it's not going to come because I'm expecting too much on this trip. I'm just going to go with the flow and let see whatever happens, can happen. I do admit I often think about who this man is?? How does he look like, what does he do, how old, what nationality, how we would meet. ect. But I guess that's apart of the mystery that God has for us.
Jesus is Good.
Please help me live for you even more. Continue to anoint me with the fruit of the spirit God. Please take care of the new creation in my sister's womb. He needs you as much as we all need you. I pray that it will go smoothly with all the check up and eventually the labour. I pray that your blessings will be carried throughout her body and her life and his (the baby) life.
I wonder if my dad will come visit his grandson, I wonder if I would have to confront him because I don't want to see him. I don't know if I'm over it. I mean, I forgave him but I'm not sure if I'm able to stand there in front of him......
I don't know if it was a good idea to go out last night. I was really tired cz I got home at 4:30 in the morning, slept for a few hours and I had to wake up at 9 to do colour for mum so I could go church afterward. But the colour started late and took longer than expected because I needed to blow dry and stuff as well so here I am, I have just finished. My sister is late for delivery so she had to go to the hospital to get it checked up. It's my mum day off today but now she has to work because Cong & Belinda is gone.
I haven't been to church and I miss it. I don't know why I didn't go last week. I think it was because I was really tired & unwell, and partly also because I was lazy. But you know, I don't like going to church at night because it gets in the way with mum, car and dinner and stuff. I prefer to go during the day just so it kickstart my day well.
I remember yesterday towards the end of working hours, I was just so tired. I don't know how that happened or the reason why. Maybe it was because I didn't have many clients. It was a saturday and usually it would be VERY busy but I only had TWO blowdry client. My day was extremely slow and no one wanted to be there.
So I haven't been clubbing in a LONG time & I don't like going because I don't like the scene of it. Yet, I still went last night. I mean honestly I thought it would be a short night, I thought we would go home early or something. We didn't get into the city until like 12:40 so that's really late. and went to Superbowl afterward. Oh well. Throughout the night, God was constantly in my mind. I prayed also that I hope I can keep myself from doing any wrong things. Because I know even if my spirit is willing, my flesh still wants to take over itself and sin. I had 2 drinks last night. I don't usually drink at all, and don't think I get drunk easily but I had to because they already bought the shots. I realise how much money you have to spend when you go out and stuff; with entry fees, drinks, transport if you're catching a cab home ect. But yeah, I have to admit it was a fun night, but to ask me if it was a productive night, I'd say no. I mean, if I didn't gone, I could've gone home and sleep early so I can wake up a little earlier this morning to do my mum's hair without feeling so tired, and I could've gone to church as well. I wished there was another service but there isn't. At first I felt a little odd being in the club once again after a very long time, and I was a little stiff, not dancing too much. And then, as the music got better, I danced and enjoyed myself. In the back of my mind all I thought was "Is THIS how I want to represent Christ? Just being the same as EVERYONE ELSE?'. I felt like I wasn't pleasing him and making him happy, because some of them don't know him and they know I know him and go to church. I don't want them to think that "wow, she's a christian and she still goes clubbing, and THAT'S a normal thing'. No I do not want people to think that of me and even when you're in a the wrong crowd it gives you a bad impression as well because they judge you as a whole. I just thought about how I'm going clubbing tonight and going to church tomorrow and be all holy and loving God. I felt like I was living a double life. I know this situation is VERY normal because I didn't do anything wrong! BUT, I'm also very hard and strict on myself. So that is why I want to live as much for God as possible eventhough it is so hard, especially when the world's way is the most common travelled route. I want to take one day at a time, but it seems like I've got to do so much. I mean I need to go cut hair at 3:30 and I totally forgot that church pm service isn't on tonight. And thinking about my interior designing stuff makes me cringe because it's long :( and too much and I need interaction; something which I don't get because I do correspondence. I would also like to put up my sale items on Ebay as well so I can start selling them off. I sold 2 items so far and I need to post them both on Monday. I've been saving my tips money for God as well. I'm thinking I'm going to save it up for the Heart for the House offering. I love Jesus and I know without him I am not able to do anything.
I NEED Jesus and I need to learn Italian. I'm excited but quite nervous about the whole trip thing. I'm going to find my way around on my own for the first time in a totally new country. I'm happy in a way that this just shows that God trusts me more now. Even he didn't, he wouldn't send me to a totally new non english speaking country.
I thought about this trip a few times as well and I had some doubt. I'm not sure if I was hasty in choosing to go to Italy for Interior Design because God didn't say that this would be apart of my life. He only mentioned Hairdressing. I don't know if I'm doing the will of God, but now that the ticket and everything has been paid, I just prayed that Jesus can open up new doors to give me opportunities to live more for him. I think there are so many things that God can do out of the bad and turn it into good, not that this trip is bad but I'm just saying that God's possibilities are endless and He is so creative and he can get you to do the most random thing and it would turn out to be the most memorable thing. I'm excited for God to work within my life whilst I'm there. I hope I don't displease God. I think back to my revelation about how God told me I will meet my partner when I'm travelling and I'm wondering if it would be this time. Inside of me, I'd like for it to, but I don't know if I'm ready or if HE (my future man) is ready. God said to me that I will be doing mission work as well so that would seem more like the place where potential is held. But God can do anything and things that are least expected is always the best. I'm wondering if it's not going to come because I'm expecting too much on this trip. I'm just going to go with the flow and let see whatever happens, can happen. I do admit I often think about who this man is?? How does he look like, what does he do, how old, what nationality, how we would meet. ect. But I guess that's apart of the mystery that God has for us.
Jesus is Good.
Please help me live for you even more. Continue to anoint me with the fruit of the spirit God. Please take care of the new creation in my sister's womb. He needs you as much as we all need you. I pray that it will go smoothly with all the check up and eventually the labour. I pray that your blessings will be carried throughout her body and her life and his (the baby) life.
I wonder if my dad will come visit his grandson, I wonder if I would have to confront him because I don't want to see him. I don't know if I'm over it. I mean, I forgave him but I'm not sure if I'm able to stand there in front of him......
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