My day today wasn't very productive. Mostly just resting and then bludging. I needed to rest because I was tired but I was really lazy because I didn't do any of my interior designing work. I feel like because it is self-paced, I tend to procrastinate which isn't a good idea. I just came home to another tutorial sent to me, so it is number 9 now and I'm still reading number 7. So I have 2 assignments I need to get done. I hope God can help me arrange time to do this. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it and commit to it! I need to get it done. It's a little difficult when no one is there doing it with you and you're just on you're own.. Well anyways I have to work tomorrow so I don't know if I'll be able to do some during the morning or I would have to wait until next week on Tuesday to do it :(
This morning I watched "The story of Ruth" on ACC and it was really good. It really touched me about her story and I ended up crying A LOT afterward while praying to God. I went to Powerhouse tonight as well. It was okay, I was hoping it would be better, but it was alright. I then caught up with Carol at San Churros, and we just talked about heaps of stuff. I told her about my story as well and my family and what I've been through ect. I feel like my testimony is so long and I'm kind of getting sick of telling it seriously. It's just so repetitive, but if it helps others then that's fine. So I also opened up to her about me, how I used to be really mean. And it was a little embarrassing because I've never actually told anyone of who I USED to be. I was really mean & really bad :( BUT I thank God that I am no longer that person. I'm a different person now.
We also talked about my revelation and about how mum would come to Christ one day. It made me think a lot about whether I would tell my mum I'm going to church the next time I go. Because I tend to be a bit hesitant or reluctant to say the truth. I don't know if it's awkwardness or fear, but I just can't say it even though I know nothing's going to happen. I mean she already knows that I DO go to church, she just doesn't know when. Well God has his way of working in people's life and I know he is doing something incredible in mum's life as well as my little sister's life. Their futures are so bright and amazing and I can't wait to see the outcome of God's faithfulness & their commitments toward God.
He is faithful..... The only thing is that.....I'm really confused and overwhelmed right now and I really need God to renew my strength and show me the right path and where he wants me to go.....
I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow so much....I'm so fearful of not being able to produce something great for my client. I'm being fearful of not pleasing them and giving them what they want. Worst of all is when they lie to me :(
Now I never feel like I'm good enough and I feel so not confident in my ability :(
I know I should stay faithful but sometimes I don't feel satisfied with what I've done...
I've got so much to learn and I just wish God can teach me how :( I don't know how, I don't know what to do :( I hate complaints, I hate redos, and I wonder how many more I have to go through. I hate how people think less of my ability and that my weaknesses are on show :( It makes me not want to do it because I don't feel good enough, even though this is something God called me to do....
I don't feel good enough :( I'm not good enough, I need you. Will you help me?? Will you really help me and show me that you will help me :(
I lost so much confidence and I don't feel good enough. I feel like I'm back to square one :( or even just below 0, negative......
I'm really disappointed in myself, and is sad every time I think about how many times there has been a redo, complaint, or talks from my boss concerning my skill.....
I don't really want to be there anymore, I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't know where God will take me with hairdressing...I just want to leave everything and do mission work or something.
Yes, I'm feeling pretty fed up...... again...
Ps: Thank you Jesus for helping my sister getting back on track. Thank you for allowing her to approach me and talk to me. Thank you for giving some sense back into her head and I know you're leading her back to you through me. Thank you that you have a great plan for her life and a real purpose for her future. Thank you that I may be apart of who she is and who she will become. Thank you Jesus.
