My sadness Space

I feel like I am forsaken...

We are really struggling financially yet we feel like we are being attacked on every side.

As soon as I got back to sydney, it doesn't feel the same.

I feel sad, upset, all the negative emotions.

My career can't be seen, it's a blur... I'm uncertain. Financially we are so low.. How are we suppose to afford a wedding. I wish we had just eloped.

The house has issue with the council.

Car payment had to be paid off, so that's all of our savings gone. Not only that we paid on the date that they took out our repayment so now we lost almost $500. We could have regained that if we had paid 1 day early.

My visa was expired so I had to cancelled the ticket and purchase another ticket of $500.

I have no jobs coming up.

My passion for hair always diminishes when I don't have work.


Why do I feel like I need to have a career change.

I really wish things were easier for me. I really am not strong enough to take all of this in without feeling very angry and disappointed.

I wish things were easier.

I feel jealous of others who have a job that they sort of enjoy and make lots of money.

Money isn't controlling me but we really need it for the wedding and also future investment.

I envy those that have it all together. They know how to invest, they make money and don't have to think twice about buying things.

Whereas, for us, we have to think and rethink over and over again if we can afford anything. I hate being in this situation. We don't even know when the financial blessing will come through. We feel like we are being punished.

We want to be able to comfortable buy people's presents, pay off for certain things.

Now we have to pay back ong ba for the month of May.

We don't even have money to deposit for the photographer.

And if Chi mi didn't help with the dress money, then we wouldn't be able to afford it.

And I couldn't stand loosing $800 every month to interest for the car. We had to pay it all off...

Feeling so sad..

Dear Diary,

Why is it that I always find you when I'm sad more so than when I am happy? Why is that?

I'm so sad and upset right now and I can not stop crying. I hate arguing so much and I hate how people don't understand me fully. I wish people would know my good intention when I ask them questions. I just had a big argument with Pauly and it really sucks. It is 2:09am right now and if it wasn't because my mum is asleep I would have screamed and yelled, not just shouted.

I'm really sad. I feel like the weight of my sadness does not translate through words. I have no words to describe my sadness right now. We swore at each other, he called me an idiot. Threatened me that he would leave the room and not come back. I gave him what he wanted, and I left the room. Only to find myself drenched in tears and loneliness. Self pity falls on me like a wave in the ocean.

When things like this happens, I feel like nothing is going to get better. I always hope something better might happen but deep down I know that these feelings will linger for a while before I feel any sort of peace. Sometimes I don't feel peace at all. Right now I can't imagine marrying him, living with him and fighting like this. I hate all the argument. I wished he would have more understanding and patience.

Or should I not wish for the better of people? Am I selfish that I don't wish for the better of myself? I always try to be better. I try, really, however I'm caught between what my heart wants to do and what my mind wants to do. And my mind is not very nice at times, although the intentions of my heart is pure.

When one thing happen, everything just snowball. I hate the fact that everything will probably be fine tomorrow and then I think back to what happened tonight and have to tell myself that "things will be okay". I don't want it to be okay. I don't want it to, because I want people to notice that I am sad, I am upset. I need attention.

But who will I even seek attention from? Not from him. From God? Is he even here?????? Can't talk to mum or my sister. Can't talk to my friends because I don't even have any friends that I trust enough to confide in.

I wish I'd have true friends who are honest and open. I feel like people still draw a curtain when they are with me.

I feel sad because each time I look on social media, I get so envious of what everyone else is doing. It makes me sad because I've worked with these people and they seem to be doing great. Everyone are going places. Everyone seems to be doing well with their career. And here I am, just simply assisting and not shooting for myself as much anymore. All the people I work with are not as great as what these people I see on social media.

I did wish once upon a time that I would be assisting. And here I am, assisting and I feel like I've taken it for granted. I think I am thankful but I would love to shoot more with signed people.

I feel like my life is one of those lives that never really excel. She tries and tries and tries but I will always only be average. Even if I put in more of an effort, I will not excel. I look at my high school years. I tried very hard, but I was not naturally good at my subjects. People saw great potential in me. But when it comes to me delivering the outcome, I think I under delivered.

It's been 7-8 years now since I've started hairdressing and some people are doing a million times better than I am. Why can't I do better? Why am I just going through the motion? Why do I have know drive to use social media? I just don't have the knack for it to be honest. I don't feel like I have to show the world everything. But in this day and age, if you don't post on social media, you don't exist pretty much.

I wish God would give me a glimpse of hope, a reassured heart, and a deep unwavering faith that my life will have a higher purpose. I don't want to be ordinary. No one wishes to be ordinary even though they might live in the midst of the unknown. I would want to live an extraordinary life. A life that impacts others positively, a life that brings changes, brings hope.

But when will that even happen. I feel like I'm not even doing anything significant right now with my life. I go to work at the Blow Bar Co 2 days a week. I try to be as kind and nice as possible to people. But I don't tell people about God which I feel like maybe I should do something about.... But how??? I assist for the Artist Group every now and then and I enjoy that very much, but I'm nothing more than an assistant... I don't feel very special even though I know some of them value me. I don't think I'm very special though... And on my days off, I stay at home, sometimes sleep in, sometimes watch a movie, sometimes help around the house. I rarely get to do private clients anymore and I feel like I'm not good enough that's why people don't rebook with me as often or tell others about me. I actually have very few home clients. I would like more though but I don't know how I would do that. Even if I know, I'd be too scared to try something crazy like walking up to a stranger and asking them if I could do their hair. My other excuse is that my place is quite hard to get to via public transport. Unfortunately.

This year has gone by so quickly and I don't know if I have done or achieved anything significant. Apart from leaving Prema and then assisting nothing has really changed. We finished the house and I'm happy but the house is always an ongoing thing because it always needs to be cleaned.

God if you are near and you hear me, if you read these words I'm writing, would you be able to grant me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Would you be able to shout loudly and reassure me that my life will be significant and not mediocre? Can you please tell me that there will be great opportunities for me coming soon?

I haven't been going to church much. I think I don't feel like I fit in anymore. There are just too many friends and not enough good/ close friends. Also I don't want to be apart of Powerhouse.. Maybe for the reason that Lung and Kristen is leading, and I'm not convinced of their leadership. Although people love them, but I'm not sold.

And I don't want to be a part of frontline. Also if I did go back to church regularly, I will need to join a connect group, and whatever group I'm under will most likely be under the leadership of powerhouse and frontline anyway... which sucks...

I don't have a peace about anything.. And this wedding planning.. I don't know how I would be able to deal if we are going to keep arguing like this. I want it to end.

When we argue I just want to hurt myself, stab myself or die. I would feel like dying is better than living in arguments. I do all that I can to care for him, yet the way he treats me sometimes sucks like hell. And call me an idiot is not nice either. I'm guilty, I don't always treat him nicer but he should be the one that has more patience NOT ME. And for him to throw his patience out the window so soon worries me.

Jesus I wish EVERYTHING CAN JUST CHANGE ONCE AND FOR ALL... and that everything will be smooth sailing for the rest of my life.....

But I know you won't allow that so that really sucks.

Clearly I'm not appreciative of life. I'm human, I'm a sinner, I suck, and I need help.

I've stopped crying but my sadness have not gone and how I wish you would comfort me. How I wish he would make things right again. I don't want to be the one to make this right this time. I haven't done anything wrong by asking him if he would have time to mow the lawn tomorrow. I have not done anything wrong. He always go into the "I DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW, QUIT IT, GIVE IT UP BLA BLA BLA SHIT" which I hate. Sometimes I let it go, other times I won't let it go because he still hadn't answered my questions and its rude.

I'm just angry and upset and sad and all these emotions don't make me feel good and I definitely don't feel any better after writing all this. I was hoping by the time I'm done, I would feel better but I don't. God is not intervening is he? Why isn't he helping me right now at this moment? Why won't God make me better right away, like how others pray and he would grant their wish immediately. It really sucks and God you better show up. And honestly I know you're real. But you better show up right now and let me know that you are here.

A little update after 11 months.

So hi,

hi....

So I don't know what to say.

It has been almost a year since I made my last entry on this blog. So how's my life now?

I just got in a relationship officially as of yesterday with Pauly. And we just went to the Organic Market and we had a little ... well not little.... we both were upset, we didn't have a good time. I'm still annoyed and upset right now. He went home. Whatever. I'm pissed.

I just think as much of a good driver as he is, he still drives quite riskily. It really annoys me and I feel like my safety is in jeopardy. He just speeds, and drives super fast when its a red light and assume that it's going to turn green when he goes pass it. Like seriously what difference does it make if he would just slow down. I got upset and angry today because he hit another car's rear mirror. Like it annoyed me so much because it kept on wanting to drive when he could simply stop and let the other car go. But nooooooo he wants the other car to stop but they didn't so he was pushing in. Arghh so annoying.

So I've been really frustrated with the whole powerhouse deal. Long story short, I want to give up. Damaris from Frontline and told me that God told her to tell me not to give up.

I still don't know what's going to happen. I guess me and Pauly will lead together. He is great and all but he is terrible at planning. I mean not entirely terrible, but he is a person of great ideas but he is not good at making it happen, and even if he sometimes does, he is not delegating and chooses to do everything himself.

Anyways, I'm going to Prema to chat to them tomorrow. Let see how it goes.... Don't know what's going to happen but I'll be happy either way. If I don't get anything there, that's totally fine even though I would want to work for them. I'm happy at least I get to talk to them and see what the company believes in.

If they do want me, I'm still very nervous because I don't know how I will fit in the picture. I don't know if they will judge me. God said to me He will have something for me. Pauly said God will give me a part time work.

My concerns are: the pay, whether or not they're willing to invest in me, and how flexible are they.

We will see how it goes. I don't know what God wants...





So.... I haven't been reading the word in so long even though Pauly and I do spend time talking through our day and praying. But I do feel like, and I know I need to read God's word more.... I guess, I just don't know what I need so I just don't want to read it...  I'm at such a confusing season and I just want to give up.

Powerhouse, I feel is like falling a part... It's really sad... Less people attend and people's roles are just all messed up. People don't enjoy it.. or not know what they're doing.. follow ups are not being done.. and so forth..

However, Pauly and I spoke last night as we really believe it's a fresh season and God is going to bring increase and expansion again...

It's just that, I feel like we need to bring new people into leadership and I don't know when I'm able to meet with them to see their commitment level..

It's so hard to choose ... Who do I choose??

Clifford and Hannah... I know they should do something...but I don't know what that means...

Jayme and Junior... I know I want them to lead.. but how will that fit in with Junior being at work...

What about the new people's team.. how is that going to be like...


How different will the leadership of Lungz be now??

Who will I give permission to lead me because clearly I'm not given permission for Leighton to lead me. I don't take directions from him well....

I'm just so tired right now... I don't even want to do anything..