Dear Diary,
Why is it that I always find you when I'm sad more so than when I am happy? Why is that?
I'm so sad and upset right now and I can not stop crying. I hate arguing so much and I hate how people don't understand me fully. I wish people would know my good intention when I ask them questions. I just had a big argument with Pauly and it really sucks. It is 2:09am right now and if it wasn't because my mum is asleep I would have screamed and yelled, not just shouted.
I'm really sad. I feel like the weight of my sadness does not translate through words. I have no words to describe my sadness right now. We swore at each other, he called me an idiot. Threatened me that he would leave the room and not come back. I gave him what he wanted, and I left the room. Only to find myself drenched in tears and loneliness. Self pity falls on me like a wave in the ocean.
When things like this happens, I feel like nothing is going to get better. I always hope something better might happen but deep down I know that these feelings will linger for a while before I feel any sort of peace. Sometimes I don't feel peace at all. Right now I can't imagine marrying him, living with him and fighting like this. I hate all the argument. I wished he would have more understanding and patience.
Or should I not wish for the better of people? Am I selfish that I don't wish for the better of myself? I always try to be better. I try, really, however I'm caught between what my heart wants to do and what my mind wants to do. And my mind is not very nice at times, although the intentions of my heart is pure.
When one thing happen, everything just snowball. I hate the fact that everything will probably be fine tomorrow and then I think back to what happened tonight and have to tell myself that "things will be okay". I don't want it to be okay. I don't want it to, because I want people to notice that I am sad, I am upset. I need attention.
But who will I even seek attention from? Not from him. From God? Is he even here?????? Can't talk to mum or my sister. Can't talk to my friends because I don't even have any friends that I trust enough to confide in.
I wish I'd have true friends who are honest and open. I feel like people still draw a curtain when they are with me.
I feel sad because each time I look on social media, I get so envious of what everyone else is doing. It makes me sad because I've worked with these people and they seem to be doing great. Everyone are going places. Everyone seems to be doing well with their career. And here I am, just simply assisting and not shooting for myself as much anymore. All the people I work with are not as great as what these people I see on social media.
I did wish once upon a time that I would be assisting. And here I am, assisting and I feel like I've taken it for granted. I think I am thankful but I would love to shoot more with signed people.
I feel like my life is one of those lives that never really excel. She tries and tries and tries but I will always only be average. Even if I put in more of an effort, I will not excel. I look at my high school years. I tried very hard, but I was not naturally good at my subjects. People saw great potential in me. But when it comes to me delivering the outcome, I think I under delivered.
It's been 7-8 years now since I've started hairdressing and some people are doing a million times better than I am. Why can't I do better? Why am I just going through the motion? Why do I have know drive to use social media? I just don't have the knack for it to be honest. I don't feel like I have to show the world everything. But in this day and age, if you don't post on social media, you don't exist pretty much.
I wish God would give me a glimpse of hope, a reassured heart, and a deep unwavering faith that my life will have a higher purpose. I don't want to be ordinary. No one wishes to be ordinary even though they might live in the midst of the unknown. I would want to live an extraordinary life. A life that impacts others positively, a life that brings changes, brings hope.
But when will that even happen. I feel like I'm not even doing anything significant right now with my life. I go to work at the Blow Bar Co 2 days a week. I try to be as kind and nice as possible to people. But I don't tell people about God which I feel like maybe I should do something about.... But how??? I assist for the Artist Group every now and then and I enjoy that very much, but I'm nothing more than an assistant... I don't feel very special even though I know some of them value me. I don't think I'm very special though... And on my days off, I stay at home, sometimes sleep in, sometimes watch a movie, sometimes help around the house. I rarely get to do private clients anymore and I feel like I'm not good enough that's why people don't rebook with me as often or tell others about me. I actually have very few home clients. I would like more though but I don't know how I would do that. Even if I know, I'd be too scared to try something crazy like walking up to a stranger and asking them if I could do their hair. My other excuse is that my place is quite hard to get to via public transport. Unfortunately.
This year has gone by so quickly and I don't know if I have done or achieved anything significant. Apart from leaving Prema and then assisting nothing has really changed. We finished the house and I'm happy but the house is always an ongoing thing because it always needs to be cleaned.
God if you are near and you hear me, if you read these words I'm writing, would you be able to grant me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Would you be able to shout loudly and reassure me that my life will be significant and not mediocre? Can you please tell me that there will be great opportunities for me coming soon?
I haven't been going to church much. I think I don't feel like I fit in anymore. There are just too many friends and not enough good/ close friends. Also I don't want to be apart of Powerhouse.. Maybe for the reason that Lung and Kristen is leading, and I'm not convinced of their leadership. Although people love them, but I'm not sold.
And I don't want to be a part of frontline. Also if I did go back to church regularly, I will need to join a connect group, and whatever group I'm under will most likely be under the leadership of powerhouse and frontline anyway... which sucks...
I don't have a peace about anything.. And this wedding planning.. I don't know how I would be able to deal if we are going to keep arguing like this. I want it to end.
When we argue I just want to hurt myself, stab myself or die. I would feel like dying is better than living in arguments. I do all that I can to care for him, yet the way he treats me sometimes sucks like hell. And call me an idiot is not nice either. I'm guilty, I don't always treat him nicer but he should be the one that has more patience NOT ME. And for him to throw his patience out the window so soon worries me.
Jesus I wish EVERYTHING CAN JUST CHANGE ONCE AND FOR ALL... and that everything will be smooth sailing for the rest of my life.....
But I know you won't allow that so that really sucks.
Clearly I'm not appreciative of life. I'm human, I'm a sinner, I suck, and I need help.
I've stopped crying but my sadness have not gone and how I wish you would comfort me. How I wish he would make things right again. I don't want to be the one to make this right this time. I haven't done anything wrong by asking him if he would have time to mow the lawn tomorrow. I have not done anything wrong. He always go into the "I DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW, QUIT IT, GIVE IT UP BLA BLA BLA SHIT" which I hate. Sometimes I let it go, other times I won't let it go because he still hadn't answered my questions and its rude.
I'm just angry and upset and sad and all these emotions don't make me feel good and I definitely don't feel any better after writing all this. I was hoping by the time I'm done, I would feel better but I don't. God is not intervening is he? Why isn't he helping me right now at this moment? Why won't God make me better right away, like how others pray and he would grant their wish immediately. It really sucks and God you better show up. And honestly I know you're real. But you better show up right now and let me know that you are here.
