So I've been sick for a while now. A long time actually. I still have a slight discomfort in my throat and slightly in my nose. But for the past week, it has felt so long. I've been eating so bad and I know I should not continue that way otherwise I will sabotage all of my good days. Like almost 50 days worth of good effort. I can't put that to the drain. Anyways, I'm sick and tired of always being unhappy with the way I look. Especially lately. I feel as though I can never look any slimmer. I'm just the same old me no matter what effort I put in. Yes I feel more toned but I still feel as though I'm the same size :( . Why do I have to be bothered by these things. I guess we live in a physical world everything around us is visible and particularly with women, we want to look beautiful.
I've recently discovered Kindle and it has been amazing. I've been downloading a few books from there. So this latest book I've been reading is called "The Warrior Diet". I personally dislike all books that have the word 'diet' in it. However, the reason why I got this book was because I was looking for Fit for Life by Harvey Diamond and he happens to be the person who wrote the foreword for that book. So I guess they had to share something in similar. And since I liked the way Harvey Diamond addressed his ideas in his book, I thought this other Warrior Diet book thing will be just as good. Well I'm one third of a way through now and I'm confused. There's too much technical terms in it. And it contradicts a lot of my old belief. Like consuming meat and vitamins and mineral and so on. I don't believe in taking anything in the pill form for substitution for your health. I believe it's all in the food that we choose to consume. Anyways, Ori (the writer) explained that we should have one main meal a day and that's at night. And each day there is a cycle, that you should undereat from the time you wake up till the evening and then overeat at dinner time. And during the day you want to consume a lot of 'live' food. They encouraged for some yogurt and stuff for protein. But I just feel like, to sum it all up, it's pretty much the more 'live/raw' food you eat, the better. And it's like what Harvey said, the higher the ratio between living food and cooked food, the better your health is. Ori doesn't suggests you should eat exclusively raw food but he encourages cooked food as well. Anyways, I'm just really tired of chasing for the answer to look the way I want to look. I know I have to love my body but I KNOW!! I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE I CAN LOOK THE WAY I CAN SEE MYSELF LOOKING. Perhaps it is because I consume too much carb? Me eating too much icecream. I'm just so frustrated because my birthday is in less than 2 months and I'm going on a cruise in just over 2 months and I want to look good :(((((( I don't want to starve either.
So I'm quitting my job in December and I want to start fresh next year. Mum keeps asking me what I will be doing and I have no idea. All I know is that I want to leave and the place I am at right now is not the place for me. I was hoping Centerlink would support me while I'm jobless lol. But I should not have that mentality of being dependent on the government for finance. I'm hoping to do freelance work and also have a part-time job (3days maybe?) I want to make available my thursday so I can join evening college. I also want to make available on Saturday and Sunday for church and serving.
On Sunday afternoon I had 2 really horrible dreams and I didn't know why I had it. They both involve people dying, which scared me. Anyways, one was of D----'s dad passing away, which I thought was so odd. Another one was of me in my room, looking through my window and seeing a person who lives opposite my place standing near the balcony, then later jumped over and committed suicide. It really bothered me that they involved killing. Another dream I remembered was of me visiting Bondi beach and the beach parted into 2 and it reminded me of Jesus parting the Red Sea.
I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal what those dreams meant and I think this is what He said. He wants me to value life and the people around me because I don't know when they will live or die. He also told me that people's lives are in MY hand, and when I know they don't know Jesus and are struggling with life, I am literally allowing them to die without offering the medicine of life! - The Gospel. He said that if I don't speak up, I am guilty of that person's death and I will be responsible for their life.
It scared me, because I have no power, no words, no knowledge of how to even tell people about Jesus. I don't know how to do it. And like Robert Fergusson preached on Sunday night, he said we can only do what we do by the help of the Holy Spirit that Jesus sent.
I had the privilege of sharing Jesus with Nancy yesterday and every second and was yelling for help on the inside and I did not know how to explain to her that Jesus loves her and that I wanted to pray for her. Anyways long story short, we cried together for almost an hour (it felt like it). And I prayed for her, told Jesus loved her and that she has potential, that she needs Jesus in her life... She is a little skeptical because she doesn't trust anyone and doesn't believe anything will help. I just hope Jesus heals her hand and give her a miracle and let her know that JESUS IS REAL!! I really hope James and Nancy comes to Christ. I know for sure that He is working in their hearts at the moment.
At least now I know the correlation between my dream and what happened the next day. I think it was God speaking to me about Nancy. That I needed to intervene. That he has sent me to speak to her and it was my responsible to do so no matter what the outcome is like. No matter if she didn't except him. At least I was obedient and did what God told me.
I can't believe this year is ending so quickly... I really wonder what I will be like at the end of the year. Brian said "He has crowned the year with his goodness" so I'm really believing for a different me.
Anyways, I'm so tired.....
Just too tired...
