:(

So it's Friday now. I'm so tired.

It's been .. 5 days since I started fasting, beginning from Monday. I need God to speak to me so bad. I need him more than ever before. I've been feeling so exhausted every night after work. I love what I do, but as soon as I get home, I'm a totally dead person. I have no interest in talking to anybody.

So update. I've got my Iphone 4 but surprisingly I'm not THAT excited. I feel normal. I'm thankful that it arrived so soon, but I just I didn't feel as though this was like "woahhh". I mean I love it and it's very useful. Just have to make sure I have enough money to pay for it monthly.

Next. Interview at World Square next Saturday at 6pm. I'm glad that they're interested in me now.

3rdly. I'm utterly disappointed. So sad, so ... I don't know how I feel really. I had so much faith and cofidence that "THAT" Transient Cut would turn out right, but it unfortunately didn't. I don't want this to be the same case as my natural inversion where I did a total of TEN haircuts. That is just way too much for a "pass". I don't know why God allowed that to happen, especially when my main plea for this fast was to anoint me with the ability to perform extremely well. Now I found out that I would possibly need an extra 2 weeks. I'm really sad. The day ended quite well, especially when I know that I've made people happy. I feel so happy as well, knowing that I was able to put a smile on their faces as well as confidence. My textured crop and vertical layers were great I think. But I'm just pleading to God that He can bless me through all of this. I need to pass all the haircuts WITHIN the 6 weeks AND DO EXTREMELY MAGNIFICENTLY WELL!! I have to make Dennis, Graham and Angie proud of me and I want all the teachers to know that I AM GIFTED, I AM CAPABLE AND I WILL BE GREAT! It's not a possibility or a probability but a definite!

I want to do well so bad, I was and still am desperate. That's why as soon as I finished that haircut, I said to myself that I will not eat anything for the rest of the day just to prove to God how bad I want this. I was extremely tired and hungry. Well just now, I had a madarin and a mango. I need energy and I know I can get it from him, but I'm just really drained right now. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm really tempted to eat as well but I listened to my body, and it says that it's already full.

Tomorrow, I want to get a lot of things done. First of all, I definitely need to get my scissors sharpen. I must do that in order to do WELL in Vardering. I can't risk it anymore. I'm so sad. I really don't understand WHY God allowed that to happen when He sees my heart and how much I want to do well. ):

I will also read over ALL of the haircuts, make head sheets, read and study label M's products. I NEED to get it right. I NEED TO SCAN AND STAMP those haircut theory in my head! I NEED TO TATTOO THEM IN MY BRAIN. I DON'T CARE, THEY HAVE TO STAY IN THERE! I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO EXTREMELY WELL.

Well, talking about tattoo, I will get it. I'm still considering what I want to get, but I feel like I will be getting quite a few. So first one is some sakuras. Don't know where I'm going to place it, but I don't want it to be seen, although I don't want it to be on the hip or rib or something. I will probably get it on my neck. Cherry Blossom means so much to me. I will also get a quote dedicate to my mum. I want to also get something about God. I feel so emo these days. I still know that I have to represent Christ well and that MY body is HIS temple. I can not damage it or put anything destructive in/on it. That just reminds me of food, bad food that is.

I'm so sleepy, so tired. Don't know what's going on with my life right now. Parents have officially signed all the divorce paper thing and now they have to wait for it to be processed through the court of magistrates.

Lately, I've been having a lot of longing. For that missing piece. I know it's not my timing but God's. I don't know. I'm just really sad these days.

At Last Honesty

God: “What’s the matter?
Me: “I’m lonely!”

God: “I know! Don’t you think I know that?”
Me: “Yes Lord.”

God: “Then what’s the problem?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”

God: “What do you want?”
Me: (Repressing the honest answer I speak:) “I want what you want Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (dead silence)

God: “Something is still bothering you.  What is it?”
Me: “I’m alone.”

God: “Why is that a problem?”
Me: “I’m not happy.”

God: “And why not?”
Me: “I don’t want to be alone.”

God: “You said you wanted what I wanted.”
Me: “Yes Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (silence)

God: “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Me: (at last honesty) “No Lord.”

God: “Then you do not want what I want?”
Me: “I do, but I also want to be married. I also want what I want.”

God: “The problem is not your desire to be married. That is a good desire.
          The problem is that you expect that I should give you
          what you want when you want and how you want.
           If a sparrow does not fall without my knowledge...
           If I dress the lilies in such splendor...
           If I cloth the grass of the field which so quickly withers...
           Do you imagine I have forgotten you...my beloved?
           I have not forgotten you...do not worry.

God: “You are still troubled...why?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”

God: (gently) “I know.”  

Be in it but not of it.

GYM GYM GYM

Need to get back to gym tomorrow and also my instalments for gym membership. Just ate so much. Well I also emailed a few newspapers as well as channel 7 & channel 9. I don't know if they're interested in my story but there's nothing I've got to loose in trying. So yeah, if God wants something for me, it will happen.

I'm also glad to see that others do realise how close I am with my God. And what I've learnt is that revelation means "to lift the veil". I was simply made aware of what WILL happen in the future. I don't create it because it has been there all that time. Opening the visions up to me would mean that God wants me to pursue the passion that I have to make what I see a reality. I know what I saw, what God told me is all true and WILL happen. It's only a matter of time. The fame and stuff will come, but for now I just have to be obedient and trust in Jesus. I also need to work hard and stay persistent with everything that I put my energy towards. I know God made known to me the fact that I WILL get that body that I want, that state of health that I've been longing for. I just have to work at it. I will come, but how fast it comes depends on how my progress is and how much I'm willing to sacrifice my old way to then adopt a new way of living. I think I will start from tomorrow. I know I'm a type who gets bored easily and can't stick with one thing for long, but if there's a great reason and passion behind that, I will never loose sight of what I want to achieve, namely: my relationship with God, and my passion for hair as well as my love for mum and my sister.

I need to be more like with my health. But I also need to understand that my goal and focus isn't on the earthly body but the eternal soul. I need to nourish it. And even though God will give me a new body once I enter His Kingdom, and even though how you look don't totally matter, but what eating healthily will affect both the way I FEEL and the way I LOOK. It's like hitting the bird with 2 stones. I will be at my peak state of health to carry out God's good work, His calling for me. At the same time, because I'm obedient, He will bless me with the body that I've desired. It's not an extra thing, it just comes along with the benefits of adopting an "eating living food" lifestyle.

I know that desired body will come, but I want it to come soon. And that means I should start NOW. Even if it's at night, I should not risk it by saying, I will do it from tomorrow and "pig" out tonight as much as I can. I will start from now and I mean it. I know it will be hard along the way but as long as I look at the long term result and "what is to come" then I think it's all sorted. Things will be okay with a few sacrifices.

I want to go Gym tomorrow. I want to eat living food as much as I can. I know my body feels HORRIBLE after I eat a big meal of cooked food, like right now. But it's over and I shouldn't look back feeling guilty but use that as an encouragement to face a new day. I want to put God first in everything I do because I know if I do that, His blessings will inevitably come. I want to make sure the first thing I do tomorrow is spending time with God, NOT eating!

Thank you Jesus for your amazing love. Thank you for the success that is to come. Thank you that you've chose me out of all people to bring glory to the heavenly kingdom. I feel privilege to have you as my Saviour, my Father. No one else is like you and I'm grateful that you are with me every second of every day for the rest of my life, even after this life, I will still be with you. I thank you for the amazing body I will have, the wonderful house we will be living in, the awesome opportunities to appear on the TV screens and ultimately bring people to Christ. I know Hairdressing isn't the main thing I've put here to do. You've placed that passion in me to eventually connect myself with powerful people through diligence and hard work. After that, I will be uniting with the Body of Christ to bring Glory to your name! I'm so thrilled and excited to be used by you! I'm so happy that you've chose me!! I'm so thankful! Thank you that I can be a servant and a great friend. Thank you that you are always welcoming me back into your arms even after my sinfulness, incompetencies and inadequacy. I love you Jesus. Forever and ever.