It's been a long time since I have written anything here. I will post up some of my entries in the Iphone just so my progress can be evident. Although it hasn't been too well.
My day off today. I'm so glad I had it because I really needed it. Long story short: last night I had thoughts of suicide. I was shocked to find out how normal I felt about such issue. I seriously felt really really normal. I just thought to myself that if I had some pills in my hands, I would not be afraid to consume it and then be with God. But I thought about my family and the effect it will have on everyone. I know it's selfish of me to feel the way I felt and that I wanted to die.
I honestly felt like everything was way too much for my capacity. I've been extremely depressed. I just stayed in bed all day today. Slept all day pretty much. I cried so much for the past few days. I felt so alone. I feel so despair and tired. I don't feel overwhelmed, but more so of being........ overloaded & robbed of energy. The devil was really fighting over my mind.
I know it's a serious issue: suicidal. However, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to any pastors. It's funny how I want "out" at this time. You can say it would be the beginning of my prime future. Everyone probably percieve me as this talented, young, lovely, Godly girl, but who would've thought that behind that face, there lies a deeper side to her. Much sorrow, much darkness, much despair, much much going on than a simple happy face.
I've been lonely. I've been feeling so down. My health is not reaching to where it should be. My work... I don't know. I enjoy doing my client's hair and talking to them and those are the only times that I completely let myself go. No matter how I am feeling, talking to strangers make me happy. Getting to know someone new makes me happy. Doing what I love makes me happy. Giving them a new sense of confidence.... makes me feel wonderful. I feel like I have a hole in my bucket and unless I fix it, water will keep escaping. I think my wound is not healed even if I might think it had. Messed up family..... but it's all God's will ultimately.
I just want to start something new. I know I have to make sure my relationship with God outweights everything. My spirit has to be stronger than my body and soul. My God conciousness has to dominate my self-conciousness and world-conciousness. Getting the body that I want starts by seeking first the word of God, then I believe everything will change.
I'm thinking of starting dance again. I really miss it. I just want to do something that allows me to let go and not have to think about all the problems I have. Jesus help me.
I'm thinking of doing yoga, hip-hop or jazz....I'm just nervous to try out new things AND finding out WHERE I shoud go..
oh well.....
we'll see........
