Jesus my God,
I don't know what to say but "thank you". I also want to say how much I love you and how much I appreciate you being apart of my life. Thank you for always taking care of me and my family. Thank you for always listening to my prayers and NEVER EVER let me down of your presence. I love you Jesus. Each day goes by, I grow closer and closer to you. Thank you for everything Jesus. Thank you for it all.
Lord God there are a million things on my mind right now and I want to say so much. It takes time though. I have to admit that towards the end of this year, I drifted off quite a bit. I mean, not drifting off but not growing as much as I should (spiritually with you). My life was lukewarm. Not hot nor cold. It was so dull and ordinary if you know what I mean. And so, I really do appreciate those hard times and difficulties because they allow me to be more sensitive to the spirit. God reminds me that I am insufficient without Him and that I need to be dependent on Him which in totally true.
Well, I just want to say a very big & warm thank you to you for finally giving me hope for the future. I finally have my period after over a year and this means that I can conceive & have children. For some reasons ever since I've gone on this holiday to Kuala Lumpur I've been sad a lot of the time. Mainly due to the fact that I get worried of not being able to have kids. I honest really want to have my own kids and the thought of not being to.....hurts me. It's odd how things really do make sense when you look back. Everything were all signs from God. God knew my desires and my needs. God knew what meant most to me. God knew it all.... After being worried about "that", I started seeing more signs on TV watching the "Bill & Guliana" reality TV show. They struggle to have kids and drifted apart due to countless times of failure & doctor check-ups. And the day after I watched "Keeping up with the Kardashians" and one of the sisters was pregnant and then gave birth to a perfectly fine baby boy. The next day, which was today: I woke up and went to toilet. To my amazement..... I finally have it..... I can think nothing more but God's intervention especially when I cried out to God sometime around Christmas of my need and concern. I prayed and prayed and cried and cried. I know for a fact that each time your tear falls, God feels it and moves with your heart.
I had a deep think about this year and how differently I want to live my life. Not that last year was bad but I know this year can be even better than last year. I have to say that 2010 was a LIFE-CHANGING year for me. I don't know if I'm able to list everything that had happened that made me who I am today. All I remember that the person of 2009 was CHANGED IMMENSELY. This year I drew closer to God. I started fasting on many occasions. I read heaps of books. I managed to finish my hairdressing course and received God's amazing blessings on all aspects. He guided me through all of my needs and wishes. He blessed me with opportunities to travel to Shanghai & Tokyo and now I'm in Kuala Lumpur, not to mention spending last Christmas & New Year in Vancouver & New York, even though I miss Sydney. 2010 was an extremely hard year for me family wise. It was a year of faith testings. My family was flipped up side down and all the problems with my dad, the restaurants, my mum being abused, my dad disowning me as well as countless failures with the Vardering course for Toni & Guy, my Wella Trend Vision entry, depression, suicidal thoughts, fighting with my physical image & much much more....
To say the least, it was the best but worst year ever. I don't regret living through it though because had those things hadn't happened, God would not have shown me things that He did & I would not be able to gain wisdom like today. Jesus is so amazing and I'm thankful for everything He has done in my life.
For this coming year, I want to take things lighter but with more persistence. I tend to be motivated very quickly which leads me to wanting to start a change. But what happens is that the "hype" that I get only last for a short amount of time, unless I keep myself motivated by reading or researching about that certain area or topic continuously. I tend to make DRASTIC change and expect myself to achieve it immediately which is NOT realistic. I believe starting slow is the key. With everything that's long term, they need to be more than a habit. They need to be part of your life. They need to be a lifestyle. They need to be apart of WHO YOU ARE. Apart of what others see you by not merely "something you call yourself" or "LIKE to do". It is easier said that done. I think I need to take smaller steps and make sure I make SOME (even very small) progress each day. It doesn't matter HOW much I change or try every day, as long as I DID something THAT day. As long as I did not give up or give in. As long as my body remains strong even though my mind give up.
There are many things I want to put myself up for. There are some physical challenges that I'd like to overcome as well. In a more important note, the thing that I want the MOST is for God to use me for a GREAT purpose which I KNOW He will because He told me so. And it will happen this year. I believe it for a fact. I have faith and it's only a matter of time that things will become a reality for everyone to witness. In everything I do, I want to be God's instrument. I want Him to use me any way He wishes. Just allow me to do what He knows I enjoy & love doing, and at the same time, bring His Kingdom forward, whether it'd be blessing other people with my skills or giving to the poor, or giving hope to the hopeless ect....
I'm just thinking right now of what I'd like to do this coming year.
It's really late right now and I should be off to bed, but oh well. I think I need to do this.
There are things that I wrote down for my 2010 resolution that weren't accomplished because they were to drastic and narrow minded. So for this year's resolution. I will make it more simple and less about me, but more about builing my CHARACTER for Christ.
Things that I've always wanted to do and hope to do:
- sky diving
- climb the harbour bridge
- do salsa dancing
- Sharon Blain boot camp
And here are some of the things I know God's been calling me to do:
- start a connect group (which I will pray for)
- start a 21-day fast from 9th January. (Man, this is incredible. I just watched JF's youtube videos just now and it talked about "when to fast" and "why to fast" ect. However, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to start the fast today since I'm on holiday and I'm expected to EAT! But then I saw the caption on the video advertising for people to join the corporate fast for 21 days starting on the 9TH!! And that's the day after I arrive back to Sydney! How perfect is that! That's just to say that, God has everything under control and that this holiday WAS apart of His plan and this fast IS apart of his plan, so is EVERYTHING that is to come. Everything is part of His plan.
Here's some other things I'd like to do also:
- spend time to do any type of Zuzana work out each day. No matter how long, short or long, just do it and finish as much as I can. Even a 3 minute high knee or 5 minutes interval. Whatever it may be, I should just try to do it, daily.
- simply, listen to my body. If it's full and satisfied, that's enough. No matter what it may be: good or bad food. And LISTEN to what it craves for. Try to give it what it really needs :)
I think those two things will be a major shift in my life eventually. They may be small but will make a tremendous difference in my life in the long run.
Anyways I better get to bed, it's sooo late right now.
Night Jesus.. xxxx
