I hate everything. I hate everything that is happening right now. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I am so negative, but I'm so frustrated of life. I just want everything to end or I just want me to stop living. It's a sin to suicide but sometimes I want to hurt myself. I want to cut myself cz I hate going through all these frustrations. I hate life. I hate everything. I don't understand why I'm losing so much patience. I don't know why it started out okay but throughout the day, it just hasn't been that great. I know it's never a good or a bad day but a day of lessons. I got a fine this morning when I'm not suppose to get one, and now I would need to pay $145, but I'm considering sending through some stuff saying that I WAS loading things, namely: food! I was just ..... not upset.... not speechless and sad. Like honestly, the morning was going so well, and we were happy to see that it was free parking till 10am but unfortunately, things on this earth ARE too good to be true. That just makes me hate everything on this earth. I know I can't generalise but lately I've been incredibly stressed out and depressed. I have so much on my plate and I have commitments for everything. I feel pressured to do many things. So many things are rushing through my mind right now.
I think about how God gives me inspirations and ideas that He wants me to do and I never end up doing it. Like about the blanket thing, I never gotten around to get it done or buy it from Ikea. I wanted to get church friends together to have their hair cut to raise money for Heart for the House offering but it doesn't even happen. And now I'm just saving up my tips and my outside haircut for this big event coming up. Okay, yes if it wasn't for Him, I would get nothing, but at times I feel incredibly tired and just want to rest (because it's too much hassle cutting ppl's hair when you don't have everything with you) and travelling in this weather piss me off. Besides, I have studying and all that which I need to get done. HOWEVER, because I want to save up money FOR GOD to use for HIS HOUSE, I've decided to sacrifice my time and earn some extra cash. I would've got quite a lot if I kept it, but I'm willing to give it to him because I know He can use it more wise than I ever will.
My heart is not settled, even when I speak about such issue. My heart is still in a rushing motion, and it's definitely not at rest. I'm just.......just wanting to not do anything!!!!!!!!!
My mind is soooooooooooooooooo overloaded with so many things that I need to do and it hurttsssss meee!!!!!!
Surely, if God was making me do all this, He would give me a way of organising but I DO NOT feel as though I'm organised or that peace is in my heart. I don't want to list down everything that I need to get done because I WOULD GO CRAZYYYYY.!!! I hate how I have to do Interior Designing all on my own. If it was done in class, it would've been a BILLION times better with the interactions and permanent deadline. But who said for me to do this while working as well. It was my fault to take it on. I'm seriously overloaded and don't know if I can handle it much longer, eventhough I'm only up to module 8 and theres 24 modules altogether. I have module 9 and 10 with me which I have not started, and I have a feeling that 11 is going to come soon and the assignment of module 8 is not even done. I'm stressed because I'm pressed for time and I HAVE NO FREAKEN ENERGY OR TIME TO DO ANYTHINGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE THE WAY I LOOK. I HATE HOW MY STOMACH IS BECOMING SO BLOATED! I HATE HOW MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE IS ODD AGAIN MEANING THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE INTERNAL ORGANS.
I don't want to work tomorrow....
I think about living for God... living the life that He wants me to live. IT IS SOOOOO HARDD!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO GIVE UP, I want to back down.
I think about how imperfect I am and how impatient.
God would be hurt if he knows I was gone......
I just want to cry because I feel like a cracked glass that's trying to hold itself together without falling apart, but it's going to break and fall anyway. I feel like I can't take it anymore.
It took me so long to get to where I am today. And there are a lot of things that people don't know about me. Of how corrupted my mind is, and the way people perceive me is not the way I am. I'm hurt. I'm hurt and I wonder if he sees me and cared enough to do something about it instead of watching.
I seem to have it all together, but I am nothing but a piece of dirt on the ground, meaningless, nothing..
I fee like a gold ring covered by dirt and dust. Even if I worth a lot, that's all I ever see myself, dirt and dust because that's what's wrapped on the outside.
I wonder if he knows what I'm struggling with for so long, and I haven't been able to achieve what I want.
If God was all good and almightly and loved me and want for me what 'I' want as well then why can't he help me achieve the level of health that 'I' WANTT!!! That optimal level that HE wants for everyone as well. Why won't he teach me how to apply it. Why won't he give me motivations. Why do I always stop and start. Why don't I ever complete things the way it should be. Why do I lose faith. Why is it that everytime I say "ok, this time will be different' it just turns out like the last time; failure and no success. I stop mid way and I give up, or get side-track. If it was something that HE KNOWS that means A LOT to me. WHY WON'T HE HELP ME DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I hate life. How ironic is it that we just talked about Legacy last night at CG and now I'm speaking against my own future. I feel like the devil is speaking rubbing into me....
Maybe it is..because God would not want me to speak this way.
But I just hate life so much right now. My heart hurts and all guys are douchebags, I hate them all. My heart has been bruised and froze up. It no longer feels for anything, anyone, especially guys. All of them are the same, none of them are decent. Will I ever get married.
What do you want fro me God???
Honestly, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!
I'M TIRED, RESTLESS, FRUSTRATED, AND MY LIFE IS FREAKEN HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M MESSED UP...and is extremely depressed.
Don't even feel good enough...everyone seems so Holy and well-put: volunteering, helping in church, attending a lot of service, leading people ect.... and ME? What do I do??? Just a girl who is super busy, caught up with life and does nothing in God's house, apart from the tithing and attending...!
So sick of everything.
Hate everything!
