I feel like a zombie. I feel fat. I hate myself.
Why??? Why do I feel this way when I just went to church. Why do I feel this way when I just prayed for people to receive the Holy Spirit. Why do I feel this way when I was being so attentive at church saying yes and amen to everything. What is wrong with me? Why is my attitude like this? Why am I full of envy and jealousy and depression. Why??
My heart burns with all these thoughts. All these things in my mind... I don't know what to do. Just when I thought this night will be a new beginning for me, I'm stuck in a rut now. I don't know what to do.
My hurt burns with this deep desire. I don't even know what that desire is.
I'm glad I spent time with God and cried out to Him today. Had I not done so, I don't know what would've happened between mum and myself. I don't know how the conversations would've turned out like otherwise.
I feel like I'm depriving myself.
I feel fat and I just want to make myself feel better. Should I not eat. Should I eat. Even if I eat, I know I have to eat something healthy and it bothers me. Because when you are full of anger, nothing really satisfy you....
I hate everything right now.
I hate how I have to work tomorrow and do training tomorrow.
Hate how it's only one person 'K__' that is training and she doesn't even have the right attitude to learn. Hate how I didn't have time to clean this morning.
Hate how I'm so negative .... :(
My heart feels so burdened. Feels so heavy. Feels so restless.
I wonder what I'm doing wrong... I'm wondering what I could have done better. I wonder why we are not growing. I'm wondering if people are being influenced or impacted in a great way or if it's just a typical social. Why is it that we put so much effort into making things happen and the turn out is not even the same as people who leave things till the last minute.
In all honesty, my competitiveness is coming out...
I'm just really sad. I'm sad that things are not happening the way I was hoping it would happen. My team is dispersing in all different direction. I'm sad that I'm not getting as much help as I'd like.
But why am I so negative??? Why am I focusing on what I lack instead of focusing on what God has already given.
Jesus. I just want to cry right now. I hate how I am, I hate how negative I am. I hate how I don't know what the next step it. I just want your favour and I want you to grow us!!!
I put so much effort into doing what you want to do and I really want to see the fruits that is coming out....but I'm not sure if I see any, or much at all. I might not know it all hey. It's not about what I do, but it's about what you do. I know that. But didn't you appoint me in this position. Didn't you give me a desire for the whole Hillsong Bus to be filled? Weren't you the one who gave that??? Jesus then when is it happening??
Where do you want me to go after this. After leaving this job of mine. Which direction should I take. I'm leaving out of faith and have no idea what my next step is? Should I continue hairdressing? Should I get back to interior designing? What should I do??
I'm so sick of being confused. I just need clarity. I know everything is based on faith but Jesus you have to show me the next step!!! You have to show me where you want me to go from here. You need to show me what you want me to teach tomorrow. You need to show me where to go this weekend. You need to help me with the banner and stuff. I need you!!
You need to intervene, you need to help me.
I just want to give up. I just don't want to have withstand this any longer. And I know this is nothing compare to what other people go through. But I'm really feel like I've just about to have enough. I am seriously mentally drained. My heart is there, but where is my mind....
My body.
My work.
My team.
My life.
My dream.
Where will they all go.
I'm so sick of everything...
:(
