Love

I love Jesus so much.

He is speaking to me about Grace and I thank him for finally allow me to understand that I don't have to try or strive to be better, because I can never do what He can. I should not do what makes sense, because what I know works best, will NOT be what God thinks is best. I thank Him that he has been speaking to me through random people, through Susan whom I met up with today, and through pastor Brian. Thank you Jesus, and thank you for allowing Chi to be a little kinder and nicer to me.

I know now that all I really have to do is draw near to you and let go...and just trust. Just trust and put myself in your presence. That's all I want. I haven't felt this kind of peace in so long. Thank you Jesus.

It's only for a while...

Change me Lord.

Dear Lord. I know you love and I know you care for me. I also know that maybe for the past 2 months or so I have been through some horrible times. I now know for a fact that you were there all along. I just sometime didn't admit it. Lord, tonight was an amazing night, and thank you for touching me so I can cry out to you. I really needed to let everything out of my chest. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry.

Jesus, all I want...is to live for you now. I say that before but I didn't live like that. I admit that I was still finding my own way to success. I was doing what 'I' thought was right, but with you Jesus, anything is possible and what makes you the happiest is knowing that we love you and that we spend time with you. I lacked that and I really suffer from loosing energy and getting burnt out. I need you so much Jesus. Forever and ever I need you. I thank you that you continue to love me even though I am not worth loving and that I've sinned so so so much. I don't know how you can love us like this. Humanity is really a bunch of sinful people, ignorant and selfish. We live in our earthly body and is tempted daily. We're in a fight with this flesh and our spirit. But you love us enough to always welcome us back and I know you forever are listening out to our cries and if we need you, you'd be there! You'll be there without fail. Thank you for touching me last night. Thank you for giving me the peace that I needed to bad. Thank you for giving me a lift to the Album recording, and thank you for allowing the hair extension to be the perfect match for the model's hair. I know it's a rush today and tonight Walter said he didn't like the photos. But you know what? For once I was still happy. Because I did not allow that to dictate my happiness. I didn't mind if he didn't like it because I know what I did was my best and I know God's anointing was on that, so whatever happens I know God has a plan for these photos to work. I'm glad that my peace is no longer placed in materialistic things. I'm not going to allow people to take control over my joy. I should not let their opinions of me, their thinking, my situation change the way I feel and take my peace away. No one can take my peace away because my peace is in God, and God is eternal.

After tonight, all I want to be more like Jesus. I want to lead by example. I want to love people unconditionally. I want to love my sister the way Christ loves. I want to show me the closest thing to how God love should be like. I want to encourage her and continue to pray for her during these times. I know she'll get pass it. I know it. I know that work will not take control over me. I know that now, my top priority is God and reading his words, spending time with him. I don't want to have to stress myself out too much any more. And if I can't do something, I will say no. I will not risk saying yes just to make them happy if I myself are not happy. I will have to learn to say no and please everyone. I shouldn't have to please everyone.

Jesus, Change me, Please! Please change me!

And life..just like this it goes...

Why is it like this. yes I thank God for helping our restaurants but I wish I had time off to recover myself. When will this end? Where will I go from here? My heart is as heavy as rocks weighing down my heart. I feel so down and I wish someone, someone would come and hear me cry. Just listen and hear me out and not necessarily find faults in me, making it seems like I'm not dealing with my life rightly enough. I know I can be better but I can't help that I've gotten to where I am today. My heart is burning with grief, with anxiety. I wish someone, someone, someone would come and comfort me. I wish people would stop underestimate me or look down on me. I wish I would have the strength to go on. I wish there were less things to do or that I would have better time management skills. I wish time would pause so I can take a breather. Does anyone know how I feel? Do you know how I feel God? Do you? Will things get better? I know they will but when?? Why don't people believe in me? I hate how tonight, as I was visiting Grandpa, I recommended that he should drink Aloe Vera drink and that I would bring it to him next time. And he just laughed and said for me not to and keep it to sell it to other people. It hurts me because he doesn't believe in me. Even grandma was asking about LR, and I was disappointed to say that I have made no progress because I didn't have time. When will I find time? When will I finally prioritise the right things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm rock bottom and no one knows about it. It's affecting me so much and people can see that. They see how mean I've become, how easily agitated I've become, how sad & depressed, how quite and unmotivated I've become. And that's not me! That's not me at all. I'm burnt out! I really am. I don't know what's important anymore and I don't know what to stop doing and what to put effort in. Everything I do seems so...passive now. Nothing seems as though it will be that significant anymore. Even if I want to make something happen, I kept getting pushed down, rejection and rejection. :( It saddens me and I'm envious of people who have been so successful in LR. I know envy comes only when you know life is not fair and that you believe that you don't have what it takes to get there. This is wrong thinking I know, but I know too many things to a point where I no longer listens and pays attention to them. My heart just hurts, and burns. This is not a very good season for me. Maybe, I don't know. I didn't hit my retail last week and the week before that. 2 weeks in a row and this has never happened. I can't call this accident. I know my boss will tell me off but I'm prepared and I will not say 'but this, but that' I will take full responsibility for everything. Where has my passion and drive gone? where is that fire in me now? Where is that determination to get clients in and talk to them about products, treatments and the rest??? Where has that gone?????? Have I gone too comfortable and complacent with myself? Have I diverged my attention to something else? God ALL I WANT FOR YOU TO GIVE ME IS REST! AND TO SHOW ME WHERE TO GO NEXT. TO SHOW ME WHAT IS IMPORTANT AND WHAT IS NOT. TO SHOW ME HOW TO DEDICATE MY TIME ACCORDINGLY. HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE. HOW TO REACH MY DREAMS AND GOALS. Apart from the time that I talked to Cahl, I have not been feeling at peace. This morning was stupid and crazy and full of negative energy because of my sister and mum. Talking to W- didn't really help. He just gave me ridiculous advice and he was stubborn. I want to fly away. I want to get away from this place and just GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone take me. I don't know if I'm going to Melbourne for LR or not. I'll let it up to God but don't think I will. I have 2 weeks left and don't think I will reach 21%. Oh well. life sucks. I'm stuck in this hole. I'm confined. I want so many things but I have no time and definitely not the right mindset to make everything well. I hate myself for the way I've been acting.

Life really kills me at the moment. I'm laying off church for a while and just want to be away for a little bit. I wish I can get annual leave as well. Life sucks so bad right now. Sucks Sucks Sucks!



I'm just sad...and why do I have to be like this?

I want to cry but I can't even cry