Crushed...

God, I don't know how I feel but I feel let down a lot lately. I wish all the entries that I made are automatically in this blog so it can be more understood.

I'm confused. I don't know what to think. I don't know how I feel. I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep. I feel lethargic, I feel ill, I feel like I have no energy to do anything. I don't know if I should hold onto your promises and dreams because it's not happening. I will be honest and tell you that I do feel jealous seeing other people's success coming their way, and looking at me, nothing is really happening. My heart feels as though it's turning real cold. I need to learn humility. Like Jeremy Lin.

Seriously what do you want to do with my life? I'm confused and I don't know if what I want is what you want. I'm trying to hold myself altogether on the outside but on the inside is this constant heart burn and rage, and I'm finding it really hard to express myself. Like I hear you and I know some things that you say, but there's also my arguments and my thoughts, actually maybe their not mine. They're just what the devil's trying to make me believe. I'm so exhausted and I don't know if you will ever make it come to pass. And even if you do, HOW will hairdressing bring you glory? I don't understand, but I don't understand anything anyway.

I have no energy, I have no hope. I don't feel like anything is going right. I hate myself. I'm not happy with how I feel, with this bloated stomach of mine. With the fact that I gave up on exercise once again, just like ALL THE OTHER TIMES. I feel helpless, I feel like I will never get to where I want to be. I know by not looking after myself, I'm going to really suffer the consequences. I know my body doesn't function that well, and besides hairdressing doesn't help either. Standing up all day and my back and neck really hurts. I wish I can just get away and not have to worry about anything. I don't know if I can fight on much longer. I'm so out of energy. I'm so out of it. I can't even put a smile on my face. I don't know what you are doing, even though it may seems like you're here. I want to give up on life. Living for you is so hard. I just feel so overwhelmed...

No one knows how I feel. Home is meant to feel good, but when I come home, it's like I want to lock myself in and be on my own. Don't talk to me, leave me alone. I know beauty is found in christ, but I'm sorry God, I don't like how I look. I know it hurts you, but it's not you, it's me. How will someone love me if I can't love myself. That's why I'm still on my own, and it seems like I will be for awhile. It doesn't matter as much anymore, seeing as though so many wrong things are going wrong, just throw me another disappointment and just crush me.