I don't understand. And I shouldn't be anyway right?
I'm just hurt... again. Life is so hard to live. My life can literally be graphed on an exponential graph to demonstrate how extreme things have gotten lately. It seems as though every time God blesses me with something. The Devil comes in and bring my spirit down by destroying things around me. Just now, I got attitude from my sister. It hurts me so much. I don't want to scream or hit her and it hurts to see her yelling, not listening, walking away while I'm talking or mumbling under her breath, or worst of all, walk away and say "far out, how annoying" and I know it's towards me whether or not she admits it. Yesterday morning, I found out that my sister is pregnant, that was one good news. Then came a terrible incident. Kevin, my 10 month old cousin got burnt and was admitted to Westmead Children's Hospital. It's so heart breaking to see his face , arm and neck like that. I wanted to cry. Looking at his innocent eyes, he doesn't know anything and still is a cute little baby. They gave him anesthetics so he couldn't feel the pain. It's so horrible and I've decided to fast and pray for him today. It's so hard.
Similar to the other times when I got offered to recreate one of my look from graduation by Dennis. That was a great news, following that was how my entry didn't arrive for Wella Trend Vision which broke my heart. Then when I got the scholarship for Vardering, my family started having problems, major ones and my parents got a divorce which mentally affected so much with my progress. I forgot my scissors at Paddington so I don't know how I'm going to get it sharpened in the morning. I need to put some money in the bank which I did (from mum's account) but it takes around 2 days to process. I need to use that money to buy a new scissors. I really need it asap because it's been putting me down so much.
My heart just really hurt right now. Yes I need to get away, I need to get outside. I'm thinking if I should go to the 12pm service. Maybe I should so at least I can go outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to clean my clothes on the bed as well and just organise my room a bit better. I'm feeling really hungry right now but I'm not going to eat. I was sleeping and even during my state of subconsciousness, whenever hunger pops in my mind, I think about Kevin and asked God to protect and be with Him. Today feels like a mourning period. I need to see Judith, the pastor. I think she's pastor Brian's sister. I don't know, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Where do I start honestly. My life can go on and on and on. I'm just so stressed, so hurt, I just want to cry. My face feels so stretched and uncomfortable, my lips feel dry, my throat feels dehydrated. my mind is like compressed. On top of that, I don't even know what to do with the Portfolio that's due this week. And I'm terribly unhappy with how I look. I just want to lock myself up in a cell.
It's been so hard for me, and I know I should not allow the circumstances to judge my faith. My heart hurts so much. I just want to cry :( I just want to get away!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to get awayyyyyy LORDD!!!!!!! AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
I don't want to talk to anyone
I don't want to see anyone
I just want to be by myself
I hate how I look
and yet, I don't even do anything about it?
I'm so terrible
