I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how my body has become how it is now. I hate how I have to go vote for my sister. I'm not bothered to do anything. I'm not bothered to get out of the house even though I know I should because it's such a beautiful day outside. I hate my situation right now. I hate how everyone is being so lovely and positive when I'm just depressed like this. I know that it's all up to me. And it is my choice whether I want to be negative or positive but seriously I don't understand why God is allowing all these things to happen all at once to me. I feel absolutely overwhelmed and robbed of energy. I just want a peace of mind. I just want to enjoy the healthy state of living, eating right and going to the gym. My eyes are getting whiter and it's a good sign, but I can't help but just eat and eat and eat. Especially when your brain pursues what you see then I will keep eating what's in front of me. I hate being at home. I hate how I can be SOOOO healthy when I'm out, when I'm at training, because I only pack what I need, but as soon as I come home, I eat like a pig.
I hate how my dad is. I hate the situation of my family. Why does it have to be like this? Why? I know everything happens for a reason, but God just tell me why. I know it's necessary for these things to happen so eventually blessings can come but why?????
WHY DOES THAT STUPID TAXI DRIVER have to make a claim against me for that minimal damage???? I don't understand those people!!! I feelllll sooo STREESSSEDDD AND OVERWHELMED, I just want to not see anybody, I just want to cry and be by myself!!! I hate how things have not even been figured out. Why does that have to be on hold for so long. I know justice delay is not justice denied but its been 3 months and I just want justice to serve those people!!! THOSE SELFISH, LIARS, MONEY-DRIVEN PEOPLE who take advantage of all situation possible. Get out of my face evil one!!! Get out of my dreamss!!!! The evil spirit is attacking me so bad, even in my dreams. But I know God will lift me up on high and he will protect me. It's so hard right now. It's so hard and I don't know how much longer I can take. I don't know how much is left that I can bare. I can barely hold on to these things. The best of the best came, then the worst of the worst also came. I'm just feeling devasted at the moment. I don't want to feel that way BUT I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!! IF I COULD be happier THEN I WOULD, BUT I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!
The day is so beautiful and wonderful but my heart hurts, I see no healing taking place, I see nothing right now. My life is as black as coal. But then black coals burn the brightest.
I don't understand why God is not allowing me to achieve what I REALLLLYYY want to achieve, when he knows I've been struggling with it for so long. I've been so self concious. I always am. I can't help it. I'm just happy with how I am even though I know God made me. But the reason is that I know God didn't intend for me to be like this. I know He only ever wants me to be at my optimal level of health but it's so difficult living in this generation, this world, this country where processed food is bombarding our lives, dead food is present more than ever before. Time is so tight, gym is hardly manageable especially when my life is so damn chaotic right now. I'm so stressed and need to get so much things done and end up sleeping really late. Every night I don't even want the next day to begin, I just want ever-ending rest. I'm so tired right now. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I know many exciting things are waiting for me but HONESTLY I AMMMMMMM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DEPRESSED~!!!!!
When will I have that state of health that I always long for? Will I look my best before I go on the holiday/ summer?
Seriously, I am finished!
Have no energy to do anything. Nothing!
