There is one more thing to reach the totality of the Heavenly blessing:
Forgiveness
How my heart hurts. How it is in pain. How I feel betrayed by my own father. But it's okay because at least my God doesn't forsake me.
My heart hurts, it really does. To see that smile that I miss. I miss that laughter so much. How can I not have that yet I'm his daughter. We're his closest companions yet those precious joyful moments have been given only to strangers. I love how dad is happy, the way his laugh makes everything seems absolutely fine. If he is happy with us, it makes the whole family rejoice. But what good is there if he can not love the closest people in his life. The one who are able to provide with the utmost care and love, support and all the rest. I know he wished he had a son. I know he feels so unfortunate that there are 3 girls in the family. I thought as long as it is his children, then he doesn't really mind. But today, I finally found out, it isn't so. Spoken in front of me to the customer, he said how much happiness it'd bring him if there was a son, but he was only able to have 3 girls. Well it's okay. It hurts me a little bit, but I understand that from a male perspective, they would need a guy bond and having a son would give them a different/better father-child connection.
This is really a big shift that's happening in my life. I think this would be the biggest ever since I've come to this country. Maybe it is because it is so dramatic and it involved the people I love most. I honestly love my dad so much. I know now that I'd rather see him happy in a distant than to have him next to me and not being happy at all. I know how much pain it'd be off his shoulder once he leaves. It hurts. It hurts. Just because I'm looking forward to those days, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just because I am happy that he is leaving, that doesn't mean I'm happy for him to go. My family. My family is no longer how it's used to be. I need to be strong. I need to take the role of a father from now on. I need to act like a man and hold the responsibility for my my mum and younger sister. I need to be there for them at all times. Now that my dad will be out of my life, I wonder if I feel anything towards him. Do I feel angry? Sad? Betrayed? Hatred? Happy? Relief?
It doesn't matter how I feel. As long as it is for his kingdom, I'll gladly obey. But one thing I know that God does want me to do is to: forgive. Take away all the bitterness, anger and just gladly forgive. Just as he forgave me and the worst person on earth, I need to forgive my dad. I will forgive him, because that is what he wants.
