I feel like I am forsaken...
We are really struggling financially yet we feel like we are being attacked on every side.
As soon as I got back to sydney, it doesn't feel the same.
I feel sad, upset, all the negative emotions.
My career can't be seen, it's a blur... I'm uncertain. Financially we are so low.. How are we suppose to afford a wedding. I wish we had just eloped.
The house has issue with the council.
Car payment had to be paid off, so that's all of our savings gone. Not only that we paid on the date that they took out our repayment so now we lost almost $500. We could have regained that if we had paid 1 day early.
My visa was expired so I had to cancelled the ticket and purchase another ticket of $500.
I have no jobs coming up.
My passion for hair always diminishes when I don't have work.
Why do I feel like I need to have a career change.
I really wish things were easier for me. I really am not strong enough to take all of this in without feeling very angry and disappointed.
I wish things were easier.
I feel jealous of others who have a job that they sort of enjoy and make lots of money.
Money isn't controlling me but we really need it for the wedding and also future investment.
I envy those that have it all together. They know how to invest, they make money and don't have to think twice about buying things.
Whereas, for us, we have to think and rethink over and over again if we can afford anything. I hate being in this situation. We don't even know when the financial blessing will come through. We feel like we are being punished.
We want to be able to comfortable buy people's presents, pay off for certain things.
Now we have to pay back ong ba for the month of May.
We don't even have money to deposit for the photographer.
And if Chi mi didn't help with the dress money, then we wouldn't be able to afford it.
And I couldn't stand loosing $800 every month to interest for the car. We had to pay it all off...
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Feeling so sad..
Dear Diary,
Why is it that I always find you when I'm sad more so than when I am happy? Why is that?
I'm so sad and upset right now and I can not stop crying. I hate arguing so much and I hate how people don't understand me fully. I wish people would know my good intention when I ask them questions. I just had a big argument with Pauly and it really sucks. It is 2:09am right now and if it wasn't because my mum is asleep I would have screamed and yelled, not just shouted.
I'm really sad. I feel like the weight of my sadness does not translate through words. I have no words to describe my sadness right now. We swore at each other, he called me an idiot. Threatened me that he would leave the room and not come back. I gave him what he wanted, and I left the room. Only to find myself drenched in tears and loneliness. Self pity falls on me like a wave in the ocean.
When things like this happens, I feel like nothing is going to get better. I always hope something better might happen but deep down I know that these feelings will linger for a while before I feel any sort of peace. Sometimes I don't feel peace at all. Right now I can't imagine marrying him, living with him and fighting like this. I hate all the argument. I wished he would have more understanding and patience.
Or should I not wish for the better of people? Am I selfish that I don't wish for the better of myself? I always try to be better. I try, really, however I'm caught between what my heart wants to do and what my mind wants to do. And my mind is not very nice at times, although the intentions of my heart is pure.
When one thing happen, everything just snowball. I hate the fact that everything will probably be fine tomorrow and then I think back to what happened tonight and have to tell myself that "things will be okay". I don't want it to be okay. I don't want it to, because I want people to notice that I am sad, I am upset. I need attention.
But who will I even seek attention from? Not from him. From God? Is he even here?????? Can't talk to mum or my sister. Can't talk to my friends because I don't even have any friends that I trust enough to confide in.
I wish I'd have true friends who are honest and open. I feel like people still draw a curtain when they are with me.
I feel sad because each time I look on social media, I get so envious of what everyone else is doing. It makes me sad because I've worked with these people and they seem to be doing great. Everyone are going places. Everyone seems to be doing well with their career. And here I am, just simply assisting and not shooting for myself as much anymore. All the people I work with are not as great as what these people I see on social media.
I did wish once upon a time that I would be assisting. And here I am, assisting and I feel like I've taken it for granted. I think I am thankful but I would love to shoot more with signed people.
I feel like my life is one of those lives that never really excel. She tries and tries and tries but I will always only be average. Even if I put in more of an effort, I will not excel. I look at my high school years. I tried very hard, but I was not naturally good at my subjects. People saw great potential in me. But when it comes to me delivering the outcome, I think I under delivered.
It's been 7-8 years now since I've started hairdressing and some people are doing a million times better than I am. Why can't I do better? Why am I just going through the motion? Why do I have know drive to use social media? I just don't have the knack for it to be honest. I don't feel like I have to show the world everything. But in this day and age, if you don't post on social media, you don't exist pretty much.
I wish God would give me a glimpse of hope, a reassured heart, and a deep unwavering faith that my life will have a higher purpose. I don't want to be ordinary. No one wishes to be ordinary even though they might live in the midst of the unknown. I would want to live an extraordinary life. A life that impacts others positively, a life that brings changes, brings hope.
But when will that even happen. I feel like I'm not even doing anything significant right now with my life. I go to work at the Blow Bar Co 2 days a week. I try to be as kind and nice as possible to people. But I don't tell people about God which I feel like maybe I should do something about.... But how??? I assist for the Artist Group every now and then and I enjoy that very much, but I'm nothing more than an assistant... I don't feel very special even though I know some of them value me. I don't think I'm very special though... And on my days off, I stay at home, sometimes sleep in, sometimes watch a movie, sometimes help around the house. I rarely get to do private clients anymore and I feel like I'm not good enough that's why people don't rebook with me as often or tell others about me. I actually have very few home clients. I would like more though but I don't know how I would do that. Even if I know, I'd be too scared to try something crazy like walking up to a stranger and asking them if I could do their hair. My other excuse is that my place is quite hard to get to via public transport. Unfortunately.
This year has gone by so quickly and I don't know if I have done or achieved anything significant. Apart from leaving Prema and then assisting nothing has really changed. We finished the house and I'm happy but the house is always an ongoing thing because it always needs to be cleaned.
God if you are near and you hear me, if you read these words I'm writing, would you be able to grant me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Would you be able to shout loudly and reassure me that my life will be significant and not mediocre? Can you please tell me that there will be great opportunities for me coming soon?
I haven't been going to church much. I think I don't feel like I fit in anymore. There are just too many friends and not enough good/ close friends. Also I don't want to be apart of Powerhouse.. Maybe for the reason that Lung and Kristen is leading, and I'm not convinced of their leadership. Although people love them, but I'm not sold.
And I don't want to be a part of frontline. Also if I did go back to church regularly, I will need to join a connect group, and whatever group I'm under will most likely be under the leadership of powerhouse and frontline anyway... which sucks...
I don't have a peace about anything.. And this wedding planning.. I don't know how I would be able to deal if we are going to keep arguing like this. I want it to end.
When we argue I just want to hurt myself, stab myself or die. I would feel like dying is better than living in arguments. I do all that I can to care for him, yet the way he treats me sometimes sucks like hell. And call me an idiot is not nice either. I'm guilty, I don't always treat him nicer but he should be the one that has more patience NOT ME. And for him to throw his patience out the window so soon worries me.
Jesus I wish EVERYTHING CAN JUST CHANGE ONCE AND FOR ALL... and that everything will be smooth sailing for the rest of my life.....
But I know you won't allow that so that really sucks.
Clearly I'm not appreciative of life. I'm human, I'm a sinner, I suck, and I need help.
I've stopped crying but my sadness have not gone and how I wish you would comfort me. How I wish he would make things right again. I don't want to be the one to make this right this time. I haven't done anything wrong by asking him if he would have time to mow the lawn tomorrow. I have not done anything wrong. He always go into the "I DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW, QUIT IT, GIVE IT UP BLA BLA BLA SHIT" which I hate. Sometimes I let it go, other times I won't let it go because he still hadn't answered my questions and its rude.
I'm just angry and upset and sad and all these emotions don't make me feel good and I definitely don't feel any better after writing all this. I was hoping by the time I'm done, I would feel better but I don't. God is not intervening is he? Why isn't he helping me right now at this moment? Why won't God make me better right away, like how others pray and he would grant their wish immediately. It really sucks and God you better show up. And honestly I know you're real. But you better show up right now and let me know that you are here.
Why is it that I always find you when I'm sad more so than when I am happy? Why is that?
I'm so sad and upset right now and I can not stop crying. I hate arguing so much and I hate how people don't understand me fully. I wish people would know my good intention when I ask them questions. I just had a big argument with Pauly and it really sucks. It is 2:09am right now and if it wasn't because my mum is asleep I would have screamed and yelled, not just shouted.
I'm really sad. I feel like the weight of my sadness does not translate through words. I have no words to describe my sadness right now. We swore at each other, he called me an idiot. Threatened me that he would leave the room and not come back. I gave him what he wanted, and I left the room. Only to find myself drenched in tears and loneliness. Self pity falls on me like a wave in the ocean.
When things like this happens, I feel like nothing is going to get better. I always hope something better might happen but deep down I know that these feelings will linger for a while before I feel any sort of peace. Sometimes I don't feel peace at all. Right now I can't imagine marrying him, living with him and fighting like this. I hate all the argument. I wished he would have more understanding and patience.
Or should I not wish for the better of people? Am I selfish that I don't wish for the better of myself? I always try to be better. I try, really, however I'm caught between what my heart wants to do and what my mind wants to do. And my mind is not very nice at times, although the intentions of my heart is pure.
When one thing happen, everything just snowball. I hate the fact that everything will probably be fine tomorrow and then I think back to what happened tonight and have to tell myself that "things will be okay". I don't want it to be okay. I don't want it to, because I want people to notice that I am sad, I am upset. I need attention.
But who will I even seek attention from? Not from him. From God? Is he even here?????? Can't talk to mum or my sister. Can't talk to my friends because I don't even have any friends that I trust enough to confide in.
I wish I'd have true friends who are honest and open. I feel like people still draw a curtain when they are with me.
I feel sad because each time I look on social media, I get so envious of what everyone else is doing. It makes me sad because I've worked with these people and they seem to be doing great. Everyone are going places. Everyone seems to be doing well with their career. And here I am, just simply assisting and not shooting for myself as much anymore. All the people I work with are not as great as what these people I see on social media.
I did wish once upon a time that I would be assisting. And here I am, assisting and I feel like I've taken it for granted. I think I am thankful but I would love to shoot more with signed people.
I feel like my life is one of those lives that never really excel. She tries and tries and tries but I will always only be average. Even if I put in more of an effort, I will not excel. I look at my high school years. I tried very hard, but I was not naturally good at my subjects. People saw great potential in me. But when it comes to me delivering the outcome, I think I under delivered.
It's been 7-8 years now since I've started hairdressing and some people are doing a million times better than I am. Why can't I do better? Why am I just going through the motion? Why do I have know drive to use social media? I just don't have the knack for it to be honest. I don't feel like I have to show the world everything. But in this day and age, if you don't post on social media, you don't exist pretty much.
I wish God would give me a glimpse of hope, a reassured heart, and a deep unwavering faith that my life will have a higher purpose. I don't want to be ordinary. No one wishes to be ordinary even though they might live in the midst of the unknown. I would want to live an extraordinary life. A life that impacts others positively, a life that brings changes, brings hope.
But when will that even happen. I feel like I'm not even doing anything significant right now with my life. I go to work at the Blow Bar Co 2 days a week. I try to be as kind and nice as possible to people. But I don't tell people about God which I feel like maybe I should do something about.... But how??? I assist for the Artist Group every now and then and I enjoy that very much, but I'm nothing more than an assistant... I don't feel very special even though I know some of them value me. I don't think I'm very special though... And on my days off, I stay at home, sometimes sleep in, sometimes watch a movie, sometimes help around the house. I rarely get to do private clients anymore and I feel like I'm not good enough that's why people don't rebook with me as often or tell others about me. I actually have very few home clients. I would like more though but I don't know how I would do that. Even if I know, I'd be too scared to try something crazy like walking up to a stranger and asking them if I could do their hair. My other excuse is that my place is quite hard to get to via public transport. Unfortunately.
This year has gone by so quickly and I don't know if I have done or achieved anything significant. Apart from leaving Prema and then assisting nothing has really changed. We finished the house and I'm happy but the house is always an ongoing thing because it always needs to be cleaned.
God if you are near and you hear me, if you read these words I'm writing, would you be able to grant me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Would you be able to shout loudly and reassure me that my life will be significant and not mediocre? Can you please tell me that there will be great opportunities for me coming soon?
I haven't been going to church much. I think I don't feel like I fit in anymore. There are just too many friends and not enough good/ close friends. Also I don't want to be apart of Powerhouse.. Maybe for the reason that Lung and Kristen is leading, and I'm not convinced of their leadership. Although people love them, but I'm not sold.
And I don't want to be a part of frontline. Also if I did go back to church regularly, I will need to join a connect group, and whatever group I'm under will most likely be under the leadership of powerhouse and frontline anyway... which sucks...
I don't have a peace about anything.. And this wedding planning.. I don't know how I would be able to deal if we are going to keep arguing like this. I want it to end.
When we argue I just want to hurt myself, stab myself or die. I would feel like dying is better than living in arguments. I do all that I can to care for him, yet the way he treats me sometimes sucks like hell. And call me an idiot is not nice either. I'm guilty, I don't always treat him nicer but he should be the one that has more patience NOT ME. And for him to throw his patience out the window so soon worries me.
Jesus I wish EVERYTHING CAN JUST CHANGE ONCE AND FOR ALL... and that everything will be smooth sailing for the rest of my life.....
But I know you won't allow that so that really sucks.
Clearly I'm not appreciative of life. I'm human, I'm a sinner, I suck, and I need help.
I've stopped crying but my sadness have not gone and how I wish you would comfort me. How I wish he would make things right again. I don't want to be the one to make this right this time. I haven't done anything wrong by asking him if he would have time to mow the lawn tomorrow. I have not done anything wrong. He always go into the "I DON'T WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW, QUIT IT, GIVE IT UP BLA BLA BLA SHIT" which I hate. Sometimes I let it go, other times I won't let it go because he still hadn't answered my questions and its rude.
I'm just angry and upset and sad and all these emotions don't make me feel good and I definitely don't feel any better after writing all this. I was hoping by the time I'm done, I would feel better but I don't. God is not intervening is he? Why isn't he helping me right now at this moment? Why won't God make me better right away, like how others pray and he would grant their wish immediately. It really sucks and God you better show up. And honestly I know you're real. But you better show up right now and let me know that you are here.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
A little update after 11 months.
So hi,
hi....
So I don't know what to say.
It has been almost a year since I made my last entry on this blog. So how's my life now?
I just got in a relationship officially as of yesterday with Pauly. And we just went to the Organic Market and we had a little ... well not little.... we both were upset, we didn't have a good time. I'm still annoyed and upset right now. He went home. Whatever. I'm pissed.
I just think as much of a good driver as he is, he still drives quite riskily. It really annoys me and I feel like my safety is in jeopardy. He just speeds, and drives super fast when its a red light and assume that it's going to turn green when he goes pass it. Like seriously what difference does it make if he would just slow down. I got upset and angry today because he hit another car's rear mirror. Like it annoyed me so much because it kept on wanting to drive when he could simply stop and let the other car go. But nooooooo he wants the other car to stop but they didn't so he was pushing in. Arghh so annoying.
So I've been really frustrated with the whole powerhouse deal. Long story short, I want to give up. Damaris from Frontline and told me that God told her to tell me not to give up.
I still don't know what's going to happen. I guess me and Pauly will lead together. He is great and all but he is terrible at planning. I mean not entirely terrible, but he is a person of great ideas but he is not good at making it happen, and even if he sometimes does, he is not delegating and chooses to do everything himself.
Anyways, I'm going to Prema to chat to them tomorrow. Let see how it goes.... Don't know what's going to happen but I'll be happy either way. If I don't get anything there, that's totally fine even though I would want to work for them. I'm happy at least I get to talk to them and see what the company believes in.
If they do want me, I'm still very nervous because I don't know how I will fit in the picture. I don't know if they will judge me. God said to me He will have something for me. Pauly said God will give me a part time work.
My concerns are: the pay, whether or not they're willing to invest in me, and how flexible are they.
We will see how it goes. I don't know what God wants...
So.... I haven't been reading the word in so long even though Pauly and I do spend time talking through our day and praying. But I do feel like, and I know I need to read God's word more.... I guess, I just don't know what I need so I just don't want to read it... I'm at such a confusing season and I just want to give up.
Powerhouse, I feel is like falling a part... It's really sad... Less people attend and people's roles are just all messed up. People don't enjoy it.. or not know what they're doing.. follow ups are not being done.. and so forth..
However, Pauly and I spoke last night as we really believe it's a fresh season and God is going to bring increase and expansion again...
It's just that, I feel like we need to bring new people into leadership and I don't know when I'm able to meet with them to see their commitment level..
It's so hard to choose ... Who do I choose??
Clifford and Hannah... I know they should do something...but I don't know what that means...
Jayme and Junior... I know I want them to lead.. but how will that fit in with Junior being at work...
What about the new people's team.. how is that going to be like...
How different will the leadership of Lungz be now??
Who will I give permission to lead me because clearly I'm not given permission for Leighton to lead me. I don't take directions from him well....
I'm just so tired right now... I don't even want to do anything..
hi....
So I don't know what to say.
It has been almost a year since I made my last entry on this blog. So how's my life now?
I just got in a relationship officially as of yesterday with Pauly. And we just went to the Organic Market and we had a little ... well not little.... we both were upset, we didn't have a good time. I'm still annoyed and upset right now. He went home. Whatever. I'm pissed.
I just think as much of a good driver as he is, he still drives quite riskily. It really annoys me and I feel like my safety is in jeopardy. He just speeds, and drives super fast when its a red light and assume that it's going to turn green when he goes pass it. Like seriously what difference does it make if he would just slow down. I got upset and angry today because he hit another car's rear mirror. Like it annoyed me so much because it kept on wanting to drive when he could simply stop and let the other car go. But nooooooo he wants the other car to stop but they didn't so he was pushing in. Arghh so annoying.
So I've been really frustrated with the whole powerhouse deal. Long story short, I want to give up. Damaris from Frontline and told me that God told her to tell me not to give up.
I still don't know what's going to happen. I guess me and Pauly will lead together. He is great and all but he is terrible at planning. I mean not entirely terrible, but he is a person of great ideas but he is not good at making it happen, and even if he sometimes does, he is not delegating and chooses to do everything himself.
Anyways, I'm going to Prema to chat to them tomorrow. Let see how it goes.... Don't know what's going to happen but I'll be happy either way. If I don't get anything there, that's totally fine even though I would want to work for them. I'm happy at least I get to talk to them and see what the company believes in.
If they do want me, I'm still very nervous because I don't know how I will fit in the picture. I don't know if they will judge me. God said to me He will have something for me. Pauly said God will give me a part time work.
My concerns are: the pay, whether or not they're willing to invest in me, and how flexible are they.
We will see how it goes. I don't know what God wants...
So.... I haven't been reading the word in so long even though Pauly and I do spend time talking through our day and praying. But I do feel like, and I know I need to read God's word more.... I guess, I just don't know what I need so I just don't want to read it... I'm at such a confusing season and I just want to give up.
Powerhouse, I feel is like falling a part... It's really sad... Less people attend and people's roles are just all messed up. People don't enjoy it.. or not know what they're doing.. follow ups are not being done.. and so forth..
However, Pauly and I spoke last night as we really believe it's a fresh season and God is going to bring increase and expansion again...
It's just that, I feel like we need to bring new people into leadership and I don't know when I'm able to meet with them to see their commitment level..
It's so hard to choose ... Who do I choose??
Clifford and Hannah... I know they should do something...but I don't know what that means...
Jayme and Junior... I know I want them to lead.. but how will that fit in with Junior being at work...
What about the new people's team.. how is that going to be like...
How different will the leadership of Lungz be now??
Who will I give permission to lead me because clearly I'm not given permission for Leighton to lead me. I don't take directions from him well....
I'm just so tired right now... I don't even want to do anything..
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Dear God..
Dear God,
I'm really sick right now and as you know, I've been like this for a while. I've never been this sick and it scares me. It scares me that as more people pray for me, I seem to get worse. I cried to you so much yesterday and was questioning you a lot but I will trust in you even though it doesn't make sense. I know you didn't do this. I know the devil is attacking me from all sorts of areas. Please help mum to be healed. She seems to get better which I'm glad. Please also help my brother in law and my sister. Help them to know you. Thank you that Chi is maturing and she's growing up. I pray that you will have your perfect will over her and that she will live her life for you. God, I ask that you will give mum peace during this time of house hunting and house designing. We don't know what's best to do but please give us wisdom and lead us in your way. Give her peace Jesus. Thank you Father. Holy Spirit will you please reveal more of yourself to me? I really want to know you more. College has been really challenging. I'm struggling to live out my Christian lifestyle of telling others about Christ. I want to be better at it.
Thank you that you are providing for me and thank you for all the friends I have. Help my skin problem please. I don't even know what caused it and it makes me really sad that its happening. You are getting rid of it right?
I wonder when I will finally meet Jordan.... And to one day realise that all that God told me is true and I would be a witness of his faithfulness.
It's really hard to believe in you when trials come my way. Please help me to strengthen in my faith in you. I don't know how people live in such joyous ways despite physical limitations. Help me to do the same. Help me not to complain but to be thankful.
You know, it really hurts me that my sister's business is not going well. It really makes me sad. I don't even know what to ask for from you. Because there's no point of asking for prosperity if they done even know you. Are you trying to allow this to happen to make them come to you in desperation. I don't know how you work but please please please help them and look after them...
Help me with my faith. I know I totally don't deserve you yet you would still want me.
I can't do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own. Please make yourself real to me. Help me not to have those dreams anymore....
I'm really sick right now and as you know, I've been like this for a while. I've never been this sick and it scares me. It scares me that as more people pray for me, I seem to get worse. I cried to you so much yesterday and was questioning you a lot but I will trust in you even though it doesn't make sense. I know you didn't do this. I know the devil is attacking me from all sorts of areas. Please help mum to be healed. She seems to get better which I'm glad. Please also help my brother in law and my sister. Help them to know you. Thank you that Chi is maturing and she's growing up. I pray that you will have your perfect will over her and that she will live her life for you. God, I ask that you will give mum peace during this time of house hunting and house designing. We don't know what's best to do but please give us wisdom and lead us in your way. Give her peace Jesus. Thank you Father. Holy Spirit will you please reveal more of yourself to me? I really want to know you more. College has been really challenging. I'm struggling to live out my Christian lifestyle of telling others about Christ. I want to be better at it.
Thank you that you are providing for me and thank you for all the friends I have. Help my skin problem please. I don't even know what caused it and it makes me really sad that its happening. You are getting rid of it right?
I wonder when I will finally meet Jordan.... And to one day realise that all that God told me is true and I would be a witness of his faithfulness.
It's really hard to believe in you when trials come my way. Please help me to strengthen in my faith in you. I don't know how people live in such joyous ways despite physical limitations. Help me to do the same. Help me not to complain but to be thankful.
You know, it really hurts me that my sister's business is not going well. It really makes me sad. I don't even know what to ask for from you. Because there's no point of asking for prosperity if they done even know you. Are you trying to allow this to happen to make them come to you in desperation. I don't know how you work but please please please help them and look after them...
Help me with my faith. I know I totally don't deserve you yet you would still want me.
I can't do this on my own. I can't do anything on my own. Please make yourself real to me. Help me not to have those dreams anymore....
Monday, May 20, 2013
Hillsong College or Hair....
So it is 6 weeks until Hillsong Conference and I'm believing that God will provide me finacially.
It seems like everytime I earn money, it just all goes away and I can't seem to save anything. I'm quite sad about it...
Also, I know God wants me to go to Hillsong College, and I wouldn't mind going but I love doing hair and I want to also pursue that. What about when Steven Furtick says, God's will is whatever. Doesn't that mean I can love God and do whatever that's pleasing?
I've left my job to pursue my career and also to serve more, but I didn't think God would call me into college. What will happen after I do college anyway?
I will know more about his word, know more about myself... I don't really know what to expect.
And if I keep doing what I am doing... pursuing my hair career, what will happen? I will become more skillful, have more experience, influence many people...
I know I should not be selfish...and WHERE is Jesus in these 2 things? Well I think they're in both.
And also you said not to find a job because you have something prepared for me. Could this be what you've prepared? A job with Muse or College?
And I'm also believing for a perfect schedule job. I'm just going to send my resume in anyway and see what happens? And I should stop asking all those what if's questions.
Jesus I'm all confused and don't know what to do. I know you've called me into college but I'm not that excited or convinced about it....
And I still want to pursue hair... :(((
I know if I stop it's going to be so hard to pick it back up!
It seems like everytime I earn money, it just all goes away and I can't seem to save anything. I'm quite sad about it...
Also, I know God wants me to go to Hillsong College, and I wouldn't mind going but I love doing hair and I want to also pursue that. What about when Steven Furtick says, God's will is whatever. Doesn't that mean I can love God and do whatever that's pleasing?
I've left my job to pursue my career and also to serve more, but I didn't think God would call me into college. What will happen after I do college anyway?
I will know more about his word, know more about myself... I don't really know what to expect.
And if I keep doing what I am doing... pursuing my hair career, what will happen? I will become more skillful, have more experience, influence many people...
I know I should not be selfish...and WHERE is Jesus in these 2 things? Well I think they're in both.
And also you said not to find a job because you have something prepared for me. Could this be what you've prepared? A job with Muse or College?
And I'm also believing for a perfect schedule job. I'm just going to send my resume in anyway and see what happens? And I should stop asking all those what if's questions.
Jesus I'm all confused and don't know what to do. I know you've called me into college but I'm not that excited or convinced about it....
And I still want to pursue hair... :(((
I know if I stop it's going to be so hard to pick it back up!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Mid life crisis
Dear God,
You know my every thought. You know my every need. I praise you for you have made me and you have watched over me all these years. I ask that you keep reminding me to be thankful and to have faith that you will work things out. You know how anxious I've been feeling lately. You know that there are things that I want to do and money is one of the challenges.
Lord, first of all thank you for helping start the make up course. I think it will be very beneficial. I thank you that you've helped me with the hair and make up today. I hope it turned out well. I really hope so. I'm so anxious of what Andrew would think if he zooms in and sees that the skin isn't that perfect. I know I could have done better but then again, what I did today was way beyond what I could normally have done anyway. I thank God for everything. I thank you for everything Jesus. Thank you so much.
Lord initially I wanted to just write down all my thoughts and my anxiety. But I will not do that, I will instead give you praises Jesus! I will not complain. I believe that you are for me and you want the best for me!
Thank you Jesus for everything. I know that you'll provide me with the money for Perth. You will surely increase our capacities to serve and lead. You will grow our team. You will give me the perfect job that fits my schedule perfectly. You will lead my family to you. You will bless me. You will make a way for me to go to Hillsong College. You will give peace to the conversation that I'll be having with my mum. You will send Jordan to me soon. You will give me contentment. You will give me joy. You will give me peace. You will bless our team and increase the momentum. You will never leave or forsake us. You are for us!!!!! And therefore nothing can be against us. Lord I know you will continue to anoint me with God given creativity. I thank you for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May my life be yours forever. May all that I do be a mirror of Jesus. May your presence shine through me. May I reach the lost and heal the broken and bring them all to you. You are my father, and I am your child. Thank you so much Jesus.
You know my every thought. You know my every need. I praise you for you have made me and you have watched over me all these years. I ask that you keep reminding me to be thankful and to have faith that you will work things out. You know how anxious I've been feeling lately. You know that there are things that I want to do and money is one of the challenges.
Lord, first of all thank you for helping start the make up course. I think it will be very beneficial. I thank you that you've helped me with the hair and make up today. I hope it turned out well. I really hope so. I'm so anxious of what Andrew would think if he zooms in and sees that the skin isn't that perfect. I know I could have done better but then again, what I did today was way beyond what I could normally have done anyway. I thank God for everything. I thank you for everything Jesus. Thank you so much.
Lord initially I wanted to just write down all my thoughts and my anxiety. But I will not do that, I will instead give you praises Jesus! I will not complain. I believe that you are for me and you want the best for me!
Thank you Jesus for everything. I know that you'll provide me with the money for Perth. You will surely increase our capacities to serve and lead. You will grow our team. You will give me the perfect job that fits my schedule perfectly. You will lead my family to you. You will bless me. You will make a way for me to go to Hillsong College. You will give peace to the conversation that I'll be having with my mum. You will send Jordan to me soon. You will give me contentment. You will give me joy. You will give me peace. You will bless our team and increase the momentum. You will never leave or forsake us. You are for us!!!!! And therefore nothing can be against us. Lord I know you will continue to anoint me with God given creativity. I thank you for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May my life be yours forever. May all that I do be a mirror of Jesus. May your presence shine through me. May I reach the lost and heal the broken and bring them all to you. You are my father, and I am your child. Thank you so much Jesus.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
I miss Paris so much
I don't know why but all of sudden tonight, as I was looking through the old photos, I started to reminisce all the memories I had in France and Italy. And oh how I miss Paris.
Here I am sitting here typing these words and I can begin to cry. I don't know what it is about Paris but I've always felt like my heart belongs there.... I've always felt like that's my home. Even though I don't speak French and is not intending to learn the language but there's something about it that just draws my heart towards it. I felt like one day I might marry a French guy one day.
I long to one day meet Jordan.
I feel so emotional today...
I feel like Paris is my love, and I'm missing 'him'. But Paris is not a person. I guess it's just a place where I was so free and I released myself and found myself in a whole new way.
I long to see Jesus face to face too, but until then, I will have to keep doing what I do.
I also felt like I haven't been reading his word as much as before. I need to get back to it.
I was really tired today and I slept through the time I was meant to be at church. I knew I should've just got up but it was hard since I was so sleepy and tired.
Why do I miss Paris so much.
I also want to loose weight. I have not been watching what I eat and I'm really feeling the consequences. I want to be fitter and feel better than what I feel now.
On that note, I know this is superficial but I really want a nose job and an eye job. I know I know I know this world is temporal but I truly believe that if I get even just my eyes done I will be so much more confident with myself. I hate how I have to wear make up to cover up. Make up is meant to enhance, but I use it to cover up myself. I hate that. I love me, but I would prefer to have different set of eyes. Jesus please understand. I know you are probably not too happy with this and I want to please you, but it's so hard living with myself looking like this.
Please let me do it Lord. Please give me the peace to do it.
Please let it be a gift to me Jesus!! :( Please
Here I am sitting here typing these words and I can begin to cry. I don't know what it is about Paris but I've always felt like my heart belongs there.... I've always felt like that's my home. Even though I don't speak French and is not intending to learn the language but there's something about it that just draws my heart towards it. I felt like one day I might marry a French guy one day.
I long to one day meet Jordan.
I feel so emotional today...
I feel like Paris is my love, and I'm missing 'him'. But Paris is not a person. I guess it's just a place where I was so free and I released myself and found myself in a whole new way.
I long to see Jesus face to face too, but until then, I will have to keep doing what I do.
I also felt like I haven't been reading his word as much as before. I need to get back to it.
I was really tired today and I slept through the time I was meant to be at church. I knew I should've just got up but it was hard since I was so sleepy and tired.
Why do I miss Paris so much.
I also want to loose weight. I have not been watching what I eat and I'm really feeling the consequences. I want to be fitter and feel better than what I feel now.
On that note, I know this is superficial but I really want a nose job and an eye job. I know I know I know this world is temporal but I truly believe that if I get even just my eyes done I will be so much more confident with myself. I hate how I have to wear make up to cover up. Make up is meant to enhance, but I use it to cover up myself. I hate that. I love me, but I would prefer to have different set of eyes. Jesus please understand. I know you are probably not too happy with this and I want to please you, but it's so hard living with myself looking like this.
Please let me do it Lord. Please give me the peace to do it.
Please let it be a gift to me Jesus!! :( Please
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
REVELATIONS from 2010 till 2013
JUN 2010
By my power you will change nations and the world. I will give you blessings and pour my spirit upon your family, your generations, the work you do and the people you deal with. Any person you come in touch with & talk to will be blessed through you because you are mine and I am pleased with your heart. The long winding road will not be easy, but because I am with you, I will give you strength, I will renew your spirit for each case. That way you will grow stronger in my faith as you step further into my purpose for you.
You will stay firm and strong in your position. You will be blessed with opportunities to change the view of the world. They will see you and they will think of me. They will see you and be proud of your success. Your family especially will be proud of what you've become. You will shine my name as you shine yours. I've chosen you because you possessed the exact character and personality that I need in order to carry out such work.
Only you are able to do the will that I have for you, no one else but you. And it is a great task. It is a hard task, but a rewarding one if you have the desire. All I ask for you is to obey me. Take time to read my words and to obey me. Reach into the presence of my spirit and obey me. Obey what I have to say. Listen to the voice in your mind when I do speak. Listen out for me. Follow your heart in everything you do. Be patient and calm. Be gentle and loving. Be strong and courageous. Be hardworking and humble. Speak not of your own strength but of mine. Speak of my great work. Acknowledge what I have done in your life and you will be blessed. People needs to hear your testimony. Their lives will be change. It is I, Jesus who is speaking to you right now. Take this. Remember this. It is the pinnacle of the journey you are about to start with me. This journey will take you around the world, from end and back. It will influence the most influencial people, you will be recognised and you then must show them that you are my child. Do not be afraid as to how it shall be done. My spirit will be with you and your calling will be accomplished until the very end. It will be accomplished and lives will be change.
JUN/JULY 2010
Holy of all Holy. I am your God, your ever living God who brings you glory and success just as I am. Jesus Almighty God, your God will be with you wherever you go.
As you have felt in my spirit and see the visions I've given you, you will be called to preach my name. Your mum will become my follower. There will only be you, your mum and Chi left in the family.
Glory will be given to me and through your testimony.
Hairdressing will take 1/4 of your life, mission work 1/4 and spreading my message the other 1/2.
Success will belong to you.
Love will find its way to you when it is right. He will have a heart for me just as you do. He will reach out to you and help you expand my kingdom.
Hairdressing is something I've gifted you with only because I know you have the right attitude and the right faith to carry out my will. With your belief and undying love for me. I will use you for my great purpose. I will make you well-known in the industry but the only reason I'm doing so is because I need to bring you into powerful people. I want this to be used as an opportunity for you to build connections, to get to know some particular individuals, as these people have also been called by me.... together you will be united with my body and bring glory to God. Jesus will be glorified.
I said that I will protect you and I will.
Millions of lives will be changed and lives will be given up for me.
Your mum will be rewarded greatly.
Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. I will bring her home with me. She will be with me. I assure you.
Chi is a great sister and I have placed her in your life to really teach you a lesson of patience. She will come back to me because she sees me and in you.
This whole journey will take a while but trust in my timing. Just let my whispers be sensitive to you so that I don't have to use my last resort of troubles & pain to come upon your life.
You will change nations and the world.
DEC 2012 (Jordan)
I have a great plan for you. Greater doesn't mean better than what you have now but it will be more influential than you will ever know. Lovely I want you to relax and not worry about the future. I want you to know that leaving your workplace is the right thing to do and I honour your decision. I know you are wondering how you will support yourself financially but remember I am the God of the universe and I made YOU! Will I not provide for you? I don't want you to look for a job, I have something better planned for you. I know you feel scared and unsure of the future but if you just look to me, I will reassure you and show you mighty things. Your workplace will not be the same when you leave. Once you leave they will know what legacy you left. Your boss have changed to some degree. Your colleagues around have changed as well. I will give you the boldness and confidence to proclaim my name and ask them to church. I know you are scared of what they will think of you but that's the least that you can do for them. I will strengthen you and make the right time so you can boldly ask them.
I want you to know also that your 22nd birthday will be the best birthday yet. You'll realise what an incredible woman you have been in my kingdom and I know you are humble and will not believe it & don't like to receive complement but it's the truth. Saturday night will not be the same without you. You are an amazing warrior and I see all that you do Linh. You might think you are going south and you are heading against my promises but listen, my promises are true and my words can not be returned void. I love you with an everlasting love and beautiful girl, Jordan is real. He is real and he is handsome. I've handpicked him just for you. Persevere my dear, persevere through afterparty. I will bring you helpers of all areas and you will lead and not have to follow. You will be the head and not the tail. You'll bring my people tome. You'll create an environment of love, purity and a community of genuine friendship. I will give you ideas on where to go, what to do. Each week will be planned and appointed by me. I will guide you and lead you and you will follow me. You will hear my voice and you'll love my words. My spirit will overflow within you and my light will shine through you. People will see you and see me. They will look at you and can't help but know that there is a true God. Your happiness and joy is contagious and your smile is beautiful. Your words are like gold, they are like honey to the soul and as fresh as an autumn breeze on a summer day. Jordan know about you, I told him of you and you need not to look for him, for he will look for you. He will ask you out and you'll know that it's him because both of you will hear from me. He will love me so much and I know you want someone like that. He loves you very much as well and will protect you with his words and with his strength. Believe me for he will come, not so long now, very very soon. But I am also preparing your mindset. I'm preparing your character and preparing your attitude, your perseverance, your strength, your ability to have peace in all situation, the ability to love instead of hate, to mend brokenness instead of gossiping, to heal and not destroy, to love my words and seek me above all else. I love you Linh, and I have a really awesome present for you in 2 days time, you'll know because it can only come from me. Happy birthday for Thursday, I love you.
DEC 2012 (After I left T&G)
Linh, I know you are worried about the coming year. What you will be doing, but will you just trust me that my timing is perfect. Just trust in me because like I've told you, I have something planned for you. Next year will be the first year of a new chapter/ cycle of your life. Will you give me everything that you have? Will you trust in me with your finance? Trust me with your belongings? What do you want to do with hair? What do you want to do with church? What are your goals? What do you want to do for me?
MARCH 2013 (at Colour)
I want you to go College in July...Will you leave your family for me? Will you leave your career for me? Will you leave everything and follow me?
(So he called me to do College in July 2013) So I guess that was his plan ...
By my power you will change nations and the world. I will give you blessings and pour my spirit upon your family, your generations, the work you do and the people you deal with. Any person you come in touch with & talk to will be blessed through you because you are mine and I am pleased with your heart. The long winding road will not be easy, but because I am with you, I will give you strength, I will renew your spirit for each case. That way you will grow stronger in my faith as you step further into my purpose for you.
You will stay firm and strong in your position. You will be blessed with opportunities to change the view of the world. They will see you and they will think of me. They will see you and be proud of your success. Your family especially will be proud of what you've become. You will shine my name as you shine yours. I've chosen you because you possessed the exact character and personality that I need in order to carry out such work.
Only you are able to do the will that I have for you, no one else but you. And it is a great task. It is a hard task, but a rewarding one if you have the desire. All I ask for you is to obey me. Take time to read my words and to obey me. Reach into the presence of my spirit and obey me. Obey what I have to say. Listen to the voice in your mind when I do speak. Listen out for me. Follow your heart in everything you do. Be patient and calm. Be gentle and loving. Be strong and courageous. Be hardworking and humble. Speak not of your own strength but of mine. Speak of my great work. Acknowledge what I have done in your life and you will be blessed. People needs to hear your testimony. Their lives will be change. It is I, Jesus who is speaking to you right now. Take this. Remember this. It is the pinnacle of the journey you are about to start with me. This journey will take you around the world, from end and back. It will influence the most influencial people, you will be recognised and you then must show them that you are my child. Do not be afraid as to how it shall be done. My spirit will be with you and your calling will be accomplished until the very end. It will be accomplished and lives will be change.
JUN/JULY 2010
Holy of all Holy. I am your God, your ever living God who brings you glory and success just as I am. Jesus Almighty God, your God will be with you wherever you go.
As you have felt in my spirit and see the visions I've given you, you will be called to preach my name. Your mum will become my follower. There will only be you, your mum and Chi left in the family.
Glory will be given to me and through your testimony.
Hairdressing will take 1/4 of your life, mission work 1/4 and spreading my message the other 1/2.
Success will belong to you.
Love will find its way to you when it is right. He will have a heart for me just as you do. He will reach out to you and help you expand my kingdom.
Hairdressing is something I've gifted you with only because I know you have the right attitude and the right faith to carry out my will. With your belief and undying love for me. I will use you for my great purpose. I will make you well-known in the industry but the only reason I'm doing so is because I need to bring you into powerful people. I want this to be used as an opportunity for you to build connections, to get to know some particular individuals, as these people have also been called by me.... together you will be united with my body and bring glory to God. Jesus will be glorified.
I said that I will protect you and I will.
Millions of lives will be changed and lives will be given up for me.
Your mum will be rewarded greatly.
Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. I will bring her home with me. She will be with me. I assure you.
Chi is a great sister and I have placed her in your life to really teach you a lesson of patience. She will come back to me because she sees me and in you.
This whole journey will take a while but trust in my timing. Just let my whispers be sensitive to you so that I don't have to use my last resort of troubles & pain to come upon your life.
You will change nations and the world.
DEC 2012 (Jordan)
I have a great plan for you. Greater doesn't mean better than what you have now but it will be more influential than you will ever know. Lovely I want you to relax and not worry about the future. I want you to know that leaving your workplace is the right thing to do and I honour your decision. I know you are wondering how you will support yourself financially but remember I am the God of the universe and I made YOU! Will I not provide for you? I don't want you to look for a job, I have something better planned for you. I know you feel scared and unsure of the future but if you just look to me, I will reassure you and show you mighty things. Your workplace will not be the same when you leave. Once you leave they will know what legacy you left. Your boss have changed to some degree. Your colleagues around have changed as well. I will give you the boldness and confidence to proclaim my name and ask them to church. I know you are scared of what they will think of you but that's the least that you can do for them. I will strengthen you and make the right time so you can boldly ask them.
I want you to know also that your 22nd birthday will be the best birthday yet. You'll realise what an incredible woman you have been in my kingdom and I know you are humble and will not believe it & don't like to receive complement but it's the truth. Saturday night will not be the same without you. You are an amazing warrior and I see all that you do Linh. You might think you are going south and you are heading against my promises but listen, my promises are true and my words can not be returned void. I love you with an everlasting love and beautiful girl, Jordan is real. He is real and he is handsome. I've handpicked him just for you. Persevere my dear, persevere through afterparty. I will bring you helpers of all areas and you will lead and not have to follow. You will be the head and not the tail. You'll bring my people tome. You'll create an environment of love, purity and a community of genuine friendship. I will give you ideas on where to go, what to do. Each week will be planned and appointed by me. I will guide you and lead you and you will follow me. You will hear my voice and you'll love my words. My spirit will overflow within you and my light will shine through you. People will see you and see me. They will look at you and can't help but know that there is a true God. Your happiness and joy is contagious and your smile is beautiful. Your words are like gold, they are like honey to the soul and as fresh as an autumn breeze on a summer day. Jordan know about you, I told him of you and you need not to look for him, for he will look for you. He will ask you out and you'll know that it's him because both of you will hear from me. He will love me so much and I know you want someone like that. He loves you very much as well and will protect you with his words and with his strength. Believe me for he will come, not so long now, very very soon. But I am also preparing your mindset. I'm preparing your character and preparing your attitude, your perseverance, your strength, your ability to have peace in all situation, the ability to love instead of hate, to mend brokenness instead of gossiping, to heal and not destroy, to love my words and seek me above all else. I love you Linh, and I have a really awesome present for you in 2 days time, you'll know because it can only come from me. Happy birthday for Thursday, I love you.
DEC 2012 (After I left T&G)
Linh, I know you are worried about the coming year. What you will be doing, but will you just trust me that my timing is perfect. Just trust in me because like I've told you, I have something planned for you. Next year will be the first year of a new chapter/ cycle of your life. Will you give me everything that you have? Will you trust in me with your finance? Trust me with your belongings? What do you want to do with hair? What do you want to do with church? What are your goals? What do you want to do for me?
MARCH 2013 (at Colour)
I want you to go College in July...Will you leave your family for me? Will you leave your career for me? Will you leave everything and follow me?
(So he called me to do College in July 2013) So I guess that was his plan ...
LEADERSHIP AND TIME: a message inspired by TD Jakes
Great people respects time. Time is a limited resource. What you do with your time determines the direction of your life.
Jesus started his ministry at the age of 30 and he was hung on the cross at 33 1/2 years old. He had 3 1/2 years to minister. During those years, he was an incredibly busy man. He did many miracles, raised the dead to life, healed the sicks, gave visions to the blind and many other incredible things. He was a very busy man but He was also a very focused man. He did not waste time, and he did everything with intention.
To be a leader, you can not be lazy. We don't have much time here on earth, and we can not afford to waste time. We have many things to do. Since our time here on earth is limited, our goal in life should be to pour OUT everything we've received and die empty. Only then can we really make the most out of our life's purpose.
As leaders, we need to learn obedience and avoid procrastination. We should have the mentality to build everything He tells us to build. Say everything He tells us to say. Reach everyone He tells us to reach. Also, you need to work well even when people are not watching you. Because we know that God is watching us at all times and He honours everything little thing we do. He is the God of justice.
John 4 reads the story of the Samaritan Woman at the well. It's interesting how He sent the disciples away to get some meat while he went and sat at the well. He did not need food, but he needed time alone. He wasn't resting, in fact he was expecting something out of the ordinary. He was expecting for a Samaritan woman, who is known to be promiscuous and have many husbands at that very time, let's just say she could have been a prostitute. Who would sit around waiting for a prostitute in this day and age, and not want something sexual from her. But Jesus waited, so that He could save her. He was waiting for her to come and draw some water from the well. That's one thing that we could learn from this first part: and that is Jesus was ALWAYS intentional.
Then when the Samaritan woman arrived, Jesus asked her for some water. She jokingly said to him, how can he get water if he has nothing to draw with. This is the second point: It is a question that we all can relate to. Jesus asked her for some water. He is asking her for what He already is. He later replied to her that He is the living water, and those who drink from Him will never thirst. How humorous is Jesus, asking us for what He already is. I suppose, He asks not for his sake, but for our sake. For us to identify what is our need and where we can find the source of that fulfillment. When God asks a question, it's not because he doesn't know the answer. He wants us to identify the true answer because HE alone IS the answer.
The woman wasn't someone that the town liked. In fact she was also going to draw water at the well at a very odd hour. She is most likely trying to avoid interaction with other people in her village, especially other women. So the third thing we can get out of this is: Jesus approaches the unwanted. Jesus goes to a place where no one goes. He goes into the territory people least expect. He deals with sinners, poor, low status people. What kind of King does that? He is an amazing King with a perfect servant heart.
A sign of a great leader is when you are not following the steps of others, doing what has been done, but creating a new path, taking the risk to enter into a darker world where you humble yourself and be the change. You walk where no one have walked. No one will understand it, yet, but they will when the people start tasting the fruits that you produce. If you do what others have not done, you will get what others have not got. And God have called you to rise up and lead. He also said the harvest is ripe but the workers are few. You need to start now! And take risk.
Throughout the bible, we also see Him demonstrate the impact he can have through the power of ONE. Never underestimate what fruits that person will bare if you just influence or touch that one life! No matter how messed up or ordinary they may seem. God can use them. The worse they are, the more glory God gets. The bible tells the power of one through David defeating Goliath, through Esther who saved the nation, who Joseph to delivers Egypt out of famine, through Mary, through Ruth and so on. He doesn't need a crowd if he has the right one.
And you are the right one.
Jesus started his ministry at the age of 30 and he was hung on the cross at 33 1/2 years old. He had 3 1/2 years to minister. During those years, he was an incredibly busy man. He did many miracles, raised the dead to life, healed the sicks, gave visions to the blind and many other incredible things. He was a very busy man but He was also a very focused man. He did not waste time, and he did everything with intention.
To be a leader, you can not be lazy. We don't have much time here on earth, and we can not afford to waste time. We have many things to do. Since our time here on earth is limited, our goal in life should be to pour OUT everything we've received and die empty. Only then can we really make the most out of our life's purpose.
As leaders, we need to learn obedience and avoid procrastination. We should have the mentality to build everything He tells us to build. Say everything He tells us to say. Reach everyone He tells us to reach. Also, you need to work well even when people are not watching you. Because we know that God is watching us at all times and He honours everything little thing we do. He is the God of justice.
John 4 reads the story of the Samaritan Woman at the well. It's interesting how He sent the disciples away to get some meat while he went and sat at the well. He did not need food, but he needed time alone. He wasn't resting, in fact he was expecting something out of the ordinary. He was expecting for a Samaritan woman, who is known to be promiscuous and have many husbands at that very time, let's just say she could have been a prostitute. Who would sit around waiting for a prostitute in this day and age, and not want something sexual from her. But Jesus waited, so that He could save her. He was waiting for her to come and draw some water from the well. That's one thing that we could learn from this first part: and that is Jesus was ALWAYS intentional.
Then when the Samaritan woman arrived, Jesus asked her for some water. She jokingly said to him, how can he get water if he has nothing to draw with. This is the second point: It is a question that we all can relate to. Jesus asked her for some water. He is asking her for what He already is. He later replied to her that He is the living water, and those who drink from Him will never thirst. How humorous is Jesus, asking us for what He already is. I suppose, He asks not for his sake, but for our sake. For us to identify what is our need and where we can find the source of that fulfillment. When God asks a question, it's not because he doesn't know the answer. He wants us to identify the true answer because HE alone IS the answer.
The woman wasn't someone that the town liked. In fact she was also going to draw water at the well at a very odd hour. She is most likely trying to avoid interaction with other people in her village, especially other women. So the third thing we can get out of this is: Jesus approaches the unwanted. Jesus goes to a place where no one goes. He goes into the territory people least expect. He deals with sinners, poor, low status people. What kind of King does that? He is an amazing King with a perfect servant heart.
A sign of a great leader is when you are not following the steps of others, doing what has been done, but creating a new path, taking the risk to enter into a darker world where you humble yourself and be the change. You walk where no one have walked. No one will understand it, yet, but they will when the people start tasting the fruits that you produce. If you do what others have not done, you will get what others have not got. And God have called you to rise up and lead. He also said the harvest is ripe but the workers are few. You need to start now! And take risk.
Throughout the bible, we also see Him demonstrate the impact he can have through the power of ONE. Never underestimate what fruits that person will bare if you just influence or touch that one life! No matter how messed up or ordinary they may seem. God can use them. The worse they are, the more glory God gets. The bible tells the power of one through David defeating Goliath, through Esther who saved the nation, who Joseph to delivers Egypt out of famine, through Mary, through Ruth and so on. He doesn't need a crowd if he has the right one.
And you are the right one.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
COLOUR 2013 review
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for revealing more of yourself to me. Thank you that it wasn't just an event that I attended but it was a movement. It was an amazing experience. Thank you that you spoke to me so clearly. Thank you that you helped me resolved a few issues.
Jesus. One thing was so apparent, and that was you telling me to go to College. I'm really happy about that because I'm excited to get myself prepared for the future calling. I know you didn't call me to be a hairdresser, but you used that to refine my character and gave me some practice at reaching the dark crowd. Lord, no one in my family will truly understand why I do what I do, but you understand and I understand. We know that this world is not all there is. We both know that my home belongs in heaven and that right now I'm just a captive in a foreign world. However, there are so many of your children that lives in this world, and we need to rescue them. You've appointed us to this world and at the same time Satan appointed this world to us. It's such a dark world. But Lord, you are so powerful, you are so good, and you've won! You've won Lord Jesus! We have victory in your name. Lord, I'm overwhelmed and nervous, but I have confidence in you that if this is your will, you will provide me with the finance I need. You will make it easy for me to tell my mum. I know you will give both of us peace. You will give my family a soft heart to accept who I am. Lord I thank you in advance for my mum's salvation. I pray for the rest of my family that they will get to experience the same love I received from you. I pray that far and wide, all my extended family will come to serve you. Lord I can't underestimate your power by limiting my prayer. So here I am asking you boldly that you reach out your merciful hand and touch the lives that don't know you. Lord, by your grace, this will be something that I'm committed to pray for. I see my grandparents turning to you, my uncles and aunties, my cousins, my sister, my brother in law, my nephew and niece.
I just want to give you thanks. I thank you that just in over 2 months, you've brought me to a place I've never been. You've tested my faith and you proved yourself faithful. You have provided through everything. How thankful I am Lord. I am so thankful Jesus!
Lord I ask you make me focused, never to feel complacent, always thankful, always other-minded, always loving, always patient, always displaying your light and your words will always be on my lips.
Thank you for revealing more of yourself to me. Thank you that it wasn't just an event that I attended but it was a movement. It was an amazing experience. Thank you that you spoke to me so clearly. Thank you that you helped me resolved a few issues.
Jesus. One thing was so apparent, and that was you telling me to go to College. I'm really happy about that because I'm excited to get myself prepared for the future calling. I know you didn't call me to be a hairdresser, but you used that to refine my character and gave me some practice at reaching the dark crowd. Lord, no one in my family will truly understand why I do what I do, but you understand and I understand. We know that this world is not all there is. We both know that my home belongs in heaven and that right now I'm just a captive in a foreign world. However, there are so many of your children that lives in this world, and we need to rescue them. You've appointed us to this world and at the same time Satan appointed this world to us. It's such a dark world. But Lord, you are so powerful, you are so good, and you've won! You've won Lord Jesus! We have victory in your name. Lord, I'm overwhelmed and nervous, but I have confidence in you that if this is your will, you will provide me with the finance I need. You will make it easy for me to tell my mum. I know you will give both of us peace. You will give my family a soft heart to accept who I am. Lord I thank you in advance for my mum's salvation. I pray for the rest of my family that they will get to experience the same love I received from you. I pray that far and wide, all my extended family will come to serve you. Lord I can't underestimate your power by limiting my prayer. So here I am asking you boldly that you reach out your merciful hand and touch the lives that don't know you. Lord, by your grace, this will be something that I'm committed to pray for. I see my grandparents turning to you, my uncles and aunties, my cousins, my sister, my brother in law, my nephew and niece.
I just want to give you thanks. I thank you that just in over 2 months, you've brought me to a place I've never been. You've tested my faith and you proved yourself faithful. You have provided through everything. How thankful I am Lord. I am so thankful Jesus!
Lord I ask you make me focused, never to feel complacent, always thankful, always other-minded, always loving, always patient, always displaying your light and your words will always be on my lips.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Colour Conference 2013 - Light - Day 2
Dear Lord,
I don't remember if I have told you here on this blog, but just so you know, you are so good. Thank you for being so merciful and kind to me. I can sing of your great love forever! Thank you Jesus for all that you are doing. Lord, I should have known how faithful you are. But I'm so glad I went through what I did, because I wouldn't have seen you worked your miracles if those thing didn't happen to me. Lord, all in all, you are beyond all that is in this world. And you are mighty, and you are all powerful, and you CARE for me! For ME! Wow, that's just so awesome.
You've been providing for me moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. How great are you God. I have no worries at all now because you've revealed to me in a way I've never seen before.
Lord, I will never forget that Sunday night, 3rd Febuary, when I needed $700 for hui, and you gave me $699.63 plus a few coins in my wallet.
Then it was 3rd March, when I needed $1400, up until one week before, I had no money, and I was wondering how I would be provided. Then I remember, by Sunday night, you gave me around $1510. But I bought Chereine a registration to COLOUR which costed $170, which only left me with $1335. I was now short of $65. I then had to go for Claire's farewell dinner and paid for petrol so I was broke and had $1300 in my bank. I was now short of $100. Then today Sophia gave me $107 for the registration because she's been using Chereine's rego to attend (which Chereine did not end up coming to). I was able to give mum the $100 and $7 was my food money. Wow, I just thought, how awesome is God that he knew I'd be hungry. He knew I could stand without food, yet he cared enough just to give me extra. Thank you Lord.
So today apart from all that has happened at Colour. One thing that really stuck with me was the intense desire to be apart of Hillsong College. I never wanted to go. I never intended to go, but for the past week I've been getting this prompting from the Spirit to go to College. I'm not sure when though. I'm just wondering if you would like for me to attend the July intake or next year 2014 intake. I'm also contemplating that if I would go to college, will I do make up still? I think that still might be a good idea... I'm not sure. I will keep praying about. I'm beginning to realise what a big decision this is. That just means that I will have almost no time to shoot, to work, 4 days a week, and serving and attending at church.
But I know I'm not called to be a hairstylist. I was called to be the light in the dark world.
------------
Today, in the spirit, I saw myself being in the forefront of God's great army. From above, I can see multitude of armies standing along side and behind me. As I'd draw the sword out, they'd do the same. As I'd command to fight, they'd the same. They are so obedient, so respectful. I see myself as a light for those behind me to see. No matter how far back behind, they are still able to see me because God's light is shining through me. However, the light that I'm portray is nothing compare to the light that is ahead of me shining down from above. It's God's glory. As I precede into war, I know we have already won, despite the fact the devil is raging against us with all sorts of wicked spirits. I'd see myself holding a shield with my left hand and my right hand raising the sword. I dash my sword side to side and it would cut through the power of the wicked. Any spirit that goes pass me are then destroyed by my fellow armies. They were trying to attack us. Some got bruises here and there but nothing major because we were strong. Each time when I swing my sword, I see this amazing extension of power that releases, like a wavelength. Like the invisible force of a sound wave, travelling outward once it had escape from a large speaker. So in this case, it was the sword. I guess, the sword was the word of God. And because the word of God has life, it moves, it is active, and it has a mission. Once it has been spoken, it travels where it is commanded, so then whichever direction I'd swing my sword, the power would be released towards that area. And as it makes contact with the dark forces, that dark force loses power. I sense in my spirit, God says "Victory is ours". I believe God is warning me that this war would not be easy, but I also believe God has given me the tool to overcome the enemy. That is His shield and His word, which will be my sword. How great is our God. How great is He?? He also wants to let me know that I will have LOTS of attacks coming my way, because I am leading God's army, BUT no enemy shall live as long as I have my sword raised! The word of God is with me everywhere, and where I declare God's word, there the power of the enemy is defeated. I see myself so saturated with his light, it is impossible for people not to see. But that light doesn't bring the attention to me, but to the army that is behind me. I represent the whole army that is behind me. A multitude of warriors lovingly, passionately, willingly, eagerly fighting for God's kingdom. I love it. I love it.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Farewell party for Lilia, Claire and Sarah @ Cg last night
Lord, I can't say much more than how much we love you and how amazing you are. I will never in forever be able to fathom the love you have for us. I can feel that each and every day I have a fresher revelation of how much you love me and care for me, and how you provide for me. I love you Jesus. I thank you that even though I didn't have money and my intention was to get presents for the girls, you ended up giving me red pocket on Chinese New Years. I have a wedding this coming weekend and you've just been so generous to me by using people and having them lend me things. I'm so appreciative of you.
Jesus. I followed my heart and did the Be/ On Mission Goal for 2013. I just realised how fruitful it is. I love seeing the cg flourish. And Lord may you please raise up even more leaders to lead your people. I can think of so many great things they can do when the power and authority is given to them. My stand out girls are Rebeca and Natasha. I pray that you will speak to each of our cg individually about their next step, and those who are wanting to lead a cg, or those who you've spoken to about leading the cg, I hope you will prompt them to come to Welcome to the Club night.
I thank you for the progress of our team. I know you hand is on it and I just want to say thankful for all the fruitful things that will come out of our strong team. I pray you raise up and equip leaders like never before. I pray that myself and James will bring the service to a whole new level with the responsibility we've been entrusted with. I thank you in advance for all the great things, all the great testimonies. I ask for you to give us wisdom and discernment as we appoint leaders into position. I pray that we will be known as passionate people for others and for Christ. Lord above all, I ask that you will strengthen their personal relationship with you because all the good things flow out of what's within them. Bless Andrei and Tyson with the Bus licence. I am incredibly excited. Help me not to get competitive or narrow minded, but let us have a large picture, kingdom focus. Help me to prioritise and continue to bless me financially. Help Daryl and Lemba and Daniel and Aggie to be committed towards you in connect groups and your church. Help them not to lose sight of who you are and devote their time to serving you as well.
Lord, here is my request of the people we need in our team:
_ Bus drivers
_ Creative person: who is passionate/ design gifted/ loyal/ reliable/ inventor!
_ Social media person
_ STRONG new people's team with people who are gatherers!
_ New people follow up leader
Jesus. I followed my heart and did the Be/ On Mission Goal for 2013. I just realised how fruitful it is. I love seeing the cg flourish. And Lord may you please raise up even more leaders to lead your people. I can think of so many great things they can do when the power and authority is given to them. My stand out girls are Rebeca and Natasha. I pray that you will speak to each of our cg individually about their next step, and those who are wanting to lead a cg, or those who you've spoken to about leading the cg, I hope you will prompt them to come to Welcome to the Club night.
I thank you for the progress of our team. I know you hand is on it and I just want to say thankful for all the fruitful things that will come out of our strong team. I pray you raise up and equip leaders like never before. I pray that myself and James will bring the service to a whole new level with the responsibility we've been entrusted with. I thank you in advance for all the great things, all the great testimonies. I ask for you to give us wisdom and discernment as we appoint leaders into position. I pray that we will be known as passionate people for others and for Christ. Lord above all, I ask that you will strengthen their personal relationship with you because all the good things flow out of what's within them. Bless Andrei and Tyson with the Bus licence. I am incredibly excited. Help me not to get competitive or narrow minded, but let us have a large picture, kingdom focus. Help me to prioritise and continue to bless me financially. Help Daryl and Lemba and Daniel and Aggie to be committed towards you in connect groups and your church. Help them not to lose sight of who you are and devote their time to serving you as well.
Lord, here is my request of the people we need in our team:
_ Bus drivers
_ Creative person: who is passionate/ design gifted/ loyal/ reliable/ inventor!
_ Social media person
_ STRONG new people's team with people who are gatherers!
_ New people follow up leader
Saturday, February 9, 2013
I love you & even though I've lost all I have, I still have all I need.
Dear God.
I love you.
That is all.
This morning I lost my suitcase this morning. All of my hair stuff was in it apart from a comb and clips and a few products. But Lord!!!!!! How amazing have you refined me. Even though I've lost all that made me who I am, a hairdresser, I'm still absolutely fine. I'm not worried. I'm not scared. I'm just so expectant for you to move because you are my provider. I had to cancel an appointment today due to me having no scissors or hairdryer, but how is it that I can be so calm. That's so not me usually. And it can only mean one thing. You are now truly truly in me and you are being reflected through me. Lord will you please forgive those who were speaking against your house, will you please forgive those who are so negative towards the world and forgive those who support what is not right. God I thank you that throughout this whole journey you've made me so pure. You've allowed my mind to be focused onto you. Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!! Thank you that you have provided for me sooooooo much!!!!!!!!! Jesus you are truly a life saver. I have so much peace it's incredible. But please hear me out Lord. May you give me surpassing peace in ALL circumstances. Not just now, but at all times. By your grace, I will have peace even in the most difficult situation.
Lord. Last sunday needed to have $700 and you provided for me right on the dollar. Then I had no money for the following day's full licence test besides a few coins in my wallet. But you were gracious enough to give me a client. With the client I had, I earned $50 and the licence fee was $52, and $2 came from my wallet. That was an amazing feeling, knowing how well you provide for me. You knew I'd pass, you knew a way of providing for me. Thank you Lord. Then the last $1 I had I bought Oreo from Coles. haha. Anyways, thankfully I received some money from mum to fill a tank of petrol, which allowed me to drive everyone to and from Heart & Soul night, as well as today's shoot to Cronulla and back. Thank you for providing. At the moment I have $0.25 in the bank account and $1.80. But oh I have so much joy. I have so much peace. I've lost almost $3000 worth of hair stuff in my kit but I am no where near worried. All but your grace Jesus. All because of you.
I need $1400 by the end of the month. I know you'll provide. Whatever I need Jesus, you'll provide.
I just want to say thank you for showing me how to live like you. I love you and I will forever be yours. Please help me to fall in love with you even more than I am now.
I love you God!!
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you."
Philippians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus."
I love you.
That is all.
This morning I lost my suitcase this morning. All of my hair stuff was in it apart from a comb and clips and a few products. But Lord!!!!!! How amazing have you refined me. Even though I've lost all that made me who I am, a hairdresser, I'm still absolutely fine. I'm not worried. I'm not scared. I'm just so expectant for you to move because you are my provider. I had to cancel an appointment today due to me having no scissors or hairdryer, but how is it that I can be so calm. That's so not me usually. And it can only mean one thing. You are now truly truly in me and you are being reflected through me. Lord will you please forgive those who were speaking against your house, will you please forgive those who are so negative towards the world and forgive those who support what is not right. God I thank you that throughout this whole journey you've made me so pure. You've allowed my mind to be focused onto you. Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!! Thank you that you have provided for me sooooooo much!!!!!!!!! Jesus you are truly a life saver. I have so much peace it's incredible. But please hear me out Lord. May you give me surpassing peace in ALL circumstances. Not just now, but at all times. By your grace, I will have peace even in the most difficult situation.
Lord. Last sunday needed to have $700 and you provided for me right on the dollar. Then I had no money for the following day's full licence test besides a few coins in my wallet. But you were gracious enough to give me a client. With the client I had, I earned $50 and the licence fee was $52, and $2 came from my wallet. That was an amazing feeling, knowing how well you provide for me. You knew I'd pass, you knew a way of providing for me. Thank you Lord. Then the last $1 I had I bought Oreo from Coles. haha. Anyways, thankfully I received some money from mum to fill a tank of petrol, which allowed me to drive everyone to and from Heart & Soul night, as well as today's shoot to Cronulla and back. Thank you for providing. At the moment I have $0.25 in the bank account and $1.80. But oh I have so much joy. I have so much peace. I've lost almost $3000 worth of hair stuff in my kit but I am no where near worried. All but your grace Jesus. All because of you.
I need $1400 by the end of the month. I know you'll provide. Whatever I need Jesus, you'll provide.
I just want to say thank you for showing me how to live like you. I love you and I will forever be yours. Please help me to fall in love with you even more than I am now.
I love you God!!
Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you."
Philippians 4:7
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus."
Monday, February 4, 2013
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for providing.
Jesus. Thank you for providing for me Jesus. Thank you that even though I only have a few dollars in my wallet right now, you will provide for all that I need. Lord I thank you for petrol for tomorrow so I can drive to Baulkham Hills, I thank you that I will have money for my Driver Qualification Test on wednesday. Thank you that you will provide for me when I meet up with everyone on Thursday. Thank you that you will give me the best, most original idea for the next few photoshoots. Thank you Lord for showing me that you are all I need. Thank you that I get to walk fully dependent on you and not in my power. Lord what would you like for us to do this weekend? This weekend we are having a welcome to church party, please let me know what you would like me to do. Help me to serve Leighton well, help me to serve you well.
Jesus, Thank you so much for reassuring me that you alone will provide. Jesus thank you for everything. Lord I ask that I will forever be dependent on you. Please remind me of your love for me always. Jesus I don't want to be apart from you for one moment. I want to be near and as close to you as possible. Lord I run to you because you are my refuge. When the world comes against me, you are there. Lord I will not worry about all the fines that I have. I know you said you will take care of it. I trust in you Jesus.
I love you so much Jesus. Please help me to know you more. Please help me to help others. Help me to be more like you. Help me to be the light in this dark world. Let me be your hands. Let me be used to touch others. Lord, I know it is hard, but help me to be obedient and willing to your plan and purpose.
Let me speak life into people's life. Let me do what I can to provide for others.
I love you God. I will never be able to fathom the love you have for me. All I can ask if for you to show me more and more glimpses of your love.
Help me to love the way you do. Help me to look beyond my selfish ambitions and desires and to do everything for you. I know it's hard God, but if you are for me, who can be against me.
Please help me to never give up reading the bible, because I know in my own power I will fail. But if you will help me by your grace, I know I can do all thing. Let my desire for you grow more and more each day. Let my mind rest on you. Let me look up and seek your face. Help me to run away from this world every now and then to seek for your presence.
Help me to continue to appreciate delay and time on my own.
Bless my hands.
Bless my mind.
Bless my speech.
Bless my feet.
Bless my posture.
Give me the aura that is from you. That glows. That is full of your mighty power, love and grace.
Jesus, Thank you so much for reassuring me that you alone will provide. Jesus thank you for everything. Lord I ask that I will forever be dependent on you. Please remind me of your love for me always. Jesus I don't want to be apart from you for one moment. I want to be near and as close to you as possible. Lord I run to you because you are my refuge. When the world comes against me, you are there. Lord I will not worry about all the fines that I have. I know you said you will take care of it. I trust in you Jesus.
I love you so much Jesus. Please help me to know you more. Please help me to help others. Help me to be more like you. Help me to be the light in this dark world. Let me be your hands. Let me be used to touch others. Lord, I know it is hard, but help me to be obedient and willing to your plan and purpose.
Let me speak life into people's life. Let me do what I can to provide for others.
I love you God. I will never be able to fathom the love you have for me. All I can ask if for you to show me more and more glimpses of your love.
Help me to love the way you do. Help me to look beyond my selfish ambitions and desires and to do everything for you. I know it's hard God, but if you are for me, who can be against me.
Please help me to never give up reading the bible, because I know in my own power I will fail. But if you will help me by your grace, I know I can do all thing. Let my desire for you grow more and more each day. Let my mind rest on you. Let me look up and seek your face. Help me to run away from this world every now and then to seek for your presence.
Help me to continue to appreciate delay and time on my own.
Bless my hands.
Bless my mind.
Bless my speech.
Bless my feet.
Bless my posture.
Give me the aura that is from you. That glows. That is full of your mighty power, love and grace.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
So deeply in love with you Jesus
Lord God, today I had the priviledge of baptising Lemba and Sandra. I am so in love with you and with your people. Lord Jesus, thanks for letting me be apart of that big decision. Thank you Jesus.
Lord. Tonight, I cried, because I just realised how faithful you are. That a month ago when I left work, I was wondering how I would be able to make money to pay for 'hui'. And it's not a small amount. I had no one. I had no clients. I had to pay for more things than I was earning. But Jesus, as I was counting up today. I thought I was short of money but it just happened to add up to the right amount for what I need, with a few dollars to spare so I can keep in my wallet. I really am thankful for your provision, for all that you've provided. I'm excited for the next season because I know you will use me in a mighty way. I know that you chose me because I am willing and I've made myself available. Thank you Lord, I know now for sure that you are ever faithful. You will always provide. So in a month's time I need $1400, I have no idea how that will come, not counting money for food and petrol and tithing and cg etc. But I know you'll provide :) I just know it. And it's amazing that you've provided me with that saving money, even though I've spent so much on stuff like clippers, cape, tithing, food for others, licence fee. They're all the stuff that I need to spend on. I've been really watching my spending. And thank you Jesus that all I need was provided from and by you.
I'm really thankful.
Please help me build leaders, help me to lead an amazing connect group.
Help me to grow in your love and never ever let you go.
Lord. Tonight, I cried, because I just realised how faithful you are. That a month ago when I left work, I was wondering how I would be able to make money to pay for 'hui'. And it's not a small amount. I had no one. I had no clients. I had to pay for more things than I was earning. But Jesus, as I was counting up today. I thought I was short of money but it just happened to add up to the right amount for what I need, with a few dollars to spare so I can keep in my wallet. I really am thankful for your provision, for all that you've provided. I'm excited for the next season because I know you will use me in a mighty way. I know that you chose me because I am willing and I've made myself available. Thank you Lord, I know now for sure that you are ever faithful. You will always provide. So in a month's time I need $1400, I have no idea how that will come, not counting money for food and petrol and tithing and cg etc. But I know you'll provide :) I just know it. And it's amazing that you've provided me with that saving money, even though I've spent so much on stuff like clippers, cape, tithing, food for others, licence fee. They're all the stuff that I need to spend on. I've been really watching my spending. And thank you Jesus that all I need was provided from and by you.
I'm really thankful.
Please help me build leaders, help me to lead an amazing connect group.
Help me to grow in your love and never ever let you go.
God is asking me "Are you ready?"
I just realised how real this is. Lately I've been posting quite Godly facebook statuses to encourage others. There's a few that 'likes' it, but as I was looking over my hair page, I found out that my fan like has decrease. I just smile silently to myself and came to a realisation of how real this battle is. As lives are being encouraged and transformed, there will also be lives who rejects the truth. I just have to push forth. It happened to Jesus. Will I let that stop me from proclaiming God's goodness. By God's grace I hope that even if I don't have a lot of followers on facebook, I will still live on and still spread the good news. Some people need to hear it.
Before I was so worried about what people would think of me if I put up statuses about God especially when I have so many contacts in the creative industry and most of them don't believe in Jesus. But this is a new season, it is the season of harvest. What is more important? Hair or Lives? I was sent to save lives, to point them to Jesus. And God has handpicked me to be in part of the dark world. I have to shine bright. Those who can't stand the light will perish, those who wants the light will have it.
Lord give me the perseverance to carry on even though the world fights against me. Lord, never let me stop seeking your words and who you are. Please help me to stay close with you forever and ever. Please help me to build my relationship with you. Please don't let me go. By your grace I can do all thing but without you I can not do anything.
Lord I want you to know that I make you my Lord and I want you to govern my life. Please guide me. Please keep my relationship with you healthy and strong, pure and deep. Let everything that I do flow out from my closeness with you.
Let others not only see the light that is from you but also WANT TO KNOW YOU!!!!! God it is not good if people see it and then be ignorant. Lord, by your grace I pray that you would soften their heart to receive you. Help me to help others around me. Lord help me to lead them to you.
It is a new season and you have something new prepared for me. I can't do it, and yes I feel a little anxious but I gladly receive because I know that you know that I am ready. And besides, I can't do it on my own and I am totally dependent on you Jesus.
Let me continue to shine a bright so light that I will reach this generation. This world.
Use me to raise up a generation of leaders that loves you, who are honest and committed, and who are fervently obeying you and your words.
Before I was so worried about what people would think of me if I put up statuses about God especially when I have so many contacts in the creative industry and most of them don't believe in Jesus. But this is a new season, it is the season of harvest. What is more important? Hair or Lives? I was sent to save lives, to point them to Jesus. And God has handpicked me to be in part of the dark world. I have to shine bright. Those who can't stand the light will perish, those who wants the light will have it.
Lord give me the perseverance to carry on even though the world fights against me. Lord, never let me stop seeking your words and who you are. Please help me to stay close with you forever and ever. Please help me to build my relationship with you. Please don't let me go. By your grace I can do all thing but without you I can not do anything.
Lord I want you to know that I make you my Lord and I want you to govern my life. Please guide me. Please keep my relationship with you healthy and strong, pure and deep. Let everything that I do flow out from my closeness with you.
Let others not only see the light that is from you but also WANT TO KNOW YOU!!!!! God it is not good if people see it and then be ignorant. Lord, by your grace I pray that you would soften their heart to receive you. Help me to help others around me. Lord help me to lead them to you.
It is a new season and you have something new prepared for me. I can't do it, and yes I feel a little anxious but I gladly receive because I know that you know that I am ready. And besides, I can't do it on my own and I am totally dependent on you Jesus.
Let me continue to shine a bright so light that I will reach this generation. This world.
Use me to raise up a generation of leaders that loves you, who are honest and committed, and who are fervently obeying you and your words.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Daniel fast - Day 28/31 - I'm in love with you
Lord I'm so in love with you. I love you so much Jesus. How can I ever think otherwise. I'm so happy I'm back with you, because I never thought I would especially from what happened. I want to say how thankful I am for your mercy. You love me so much but I will never be able to fathom that love which you've given me. Lord, how do I get to have you? I am nothing but a sinner. I keep sinning and sinning and yet you still welcome me back like the most precious thing. Oh Lord my heart is yours Jesus. And Lord please hear my prayer, let me not love anyone more than you. Let me place you first in my heart for the rest of my soul. Let my husband or boyfriend not distract me from the love I have for you. Let them not take away my attention for you. Help me to do so because I know for a fact I can not do it on my own. Lord help me to want to, want to know you more. Lord please know I am helpless without you. I want to stick beside you forever. I want to be beside you. I never want to do things on my own.
Who am I that you love me this much? You saw everything. You saw all that I did when I thought no one could see but you saw.
How merciful are you, how generous is your love. I lay it down for you Jesus. You are my one and only. I'm so happy to be back. I started tithing 30% from last week and as soon as I did that, I could see your faithfulness pouring out. But I know it's not about what I do, but what's in my heart. You knew my heart Lord, that I didn't have much but I decided to give it to you anyway.
I love you God, and I know that I'm not at a position where I can spend on whatever I want. I can only spend on necessity, but I'm not hesitant to give to you anymore, because you will give me all that I need. Money is nothing to you. I want to obedient to you. Please help me to keep being obedient to you because I know I will sin, I will fail, but with your help I will have the right wisdom to do what is right.
I don't regret going through what I went through for the last month. The very dry season spiritually for me. I was doubting you so much. But now that I'm out of it I could see. My love wouldn't have grown this much if I didn't get to experience that revelation after withdrawing from you.
Help me to continue to serve you. I can't just say that you can do whatever you want. I will say, however, by your grace, I will do whatever you want me to do. With your grace, take me through the journey. I'm not sure where you will take me but on this journey, help me to show the people around me YOUR LOVE. I pray that you will help me to display all the love that is in me towards others. Help me to be the light in the darkness. I don't have to worry about what will happen to me, whether I get signed or not, because I know your plan is always the best plan. Whatever happens, I know I will beyond happy because it's the BEST plan for me from you. You know the beginning through to the end. You know my strengths and weaknesses. You know who I'm attracted to, what I like to do, what I don't like to do. You know what I'm less confident with. You know my insecurities. You know what makes me feel good. You know everything so how can I not trust the one who knows all thing. How can I not trust the one who wants the best for me and love me more than anyone in this world.
I love you Jesus.
Thanks for rescuing me...
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The power of thought - TD Jakes (Paraphrase)
You are creative because you were created in the likeness of a Creator. You need to be creative to live your life to its fullest potential. You all are creators, God doesn't give you the finished product because he also wants you to create. So, God did not create the telephones. God did not create the computer. God did not create an automobile. God did not create the chair. He never made not one chair. He made trees. He made steels. He made gold. He made air. God is going to give you the raw stuff to give you something to think about, so you can look at it and ask yourself "What can I do with what I've gained?". You are one thought away from your dream, your calling, your purpose. You are not waiting on God to give you what you want. He is waiting on you. Do you have the courage to think beyond where you are? What you see shall be what you are! What do you see in yourself? Words produces thoughts. If negative words have the power to pull you down, positive words have the power to pull you up. Words have life. What are you struggling with? What will be the thoughts you think over yourself? Somebody thought you into existence. Somebody thought the fabric that designs your clothes. Somebody thought the car you drive. A thought, an idea has power to create. What are you thinking???
Who am I that you love me this much? You saw everything. You saw all that I did when I thought no one could see but you saw.
How merciful are you, how generous is your love. I lay it down for you Jesus. You are my one and only. I'm so happy to be back. I started tithing 30% from last week and as soon as I did that, I could see your faithfulness pouring out. But I know it's not about what I do, but what's in my heart. You knew my heart Lord, that I didn't have much but I decided to give it to you anyway.
I love you God, and I know that I'm not at a position where I can spend on whatever I want. I can only spend on necessity, but I'm not hesitant to give to you anymore, because you will give me all that I need. Money is nothing to you. I want to obedient to you. Please help me to keep being obedient to you because I know I will sin, I will fail, but with your help I will have the right wisdom to do what is right.
I don't regret going through what I went through for the last month. The very dry season spiritually for me. I was doubting you so much. But now that I'm out of it I could see. My love wouldn't have grown this much if I didn't get to experience that revelation after withdrawing from you.
Help me to continue to serve you. I can't just say that you can do whatever you want. I will say, however, by your grace, I will do whatever you want me to do. With your grace, take me through the journey. I'm not sure where you will take me but on this journey, help me to show the people around me YOUR LOVE. I pray that you will help me to display all the love that is in me towards others. Help me to be the light in the darkness. I don't have to worry about what will happen to me, whether I get signed or not, because I know your plan is always the best plan. Whatever happens, I know I will beyond happy because it's the BEST plan for me from you. You know the beginning through to the end. You know my strengths and weaknesses. You know who I'm attracted to, what I like to do, what I don't like to do. You know what I'm less confident with. You know my insecurities. You know what makes me feel good. You know everything so how can I not trust the one who knows all thing. How can I not trust the one who wants the best for me and love me more than anyone in this world.
I love you Jesus.
Thanks for rescuing me...
-------------------------------------------
The power of thought - TD Jakes (Paraphrase)
You are creative because you were created in the likeness of a Creator. You need to be creative to live your life to its fullest potential. You all are creators, God doesn't give you the finished product because he also wants you to create. So, God did not create the telephones. God did not create the computer. God did not create an automobile. God did not create the chair. He never made not one chair. He made trees. He made steels. He made gold. He made air. God is going to give you the raw stuff to give you something to think about, so you can look at it and ask yourself "What can I do with what I've gained?". You are one thought away from your dream, your calling, your purpose. You are not waiting on God to give you what you want. He is waiting on you. Do you have the courage to think beyond where you are? What you see shall be what you are! What do you see in yourself? Words produces thoughts. If negative words have the power to pull you down, positive words have the power to pull you up. Words have life. What are you struggling with? What will be the thoughts you think over yourself? Somebody thought you into existence. Somebody thought the fabric that designs your clothes. Somebody thought the car you drive. A thought, an idea has power to create. What are you thinking???
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Daniel fast - Day 22/31 - I don't deserve this..
So today is the 22nd day of the fast. However I don't even know if God is looking down thinking it's legitimate. I haven't been eating meat but I have been eating sweet stuff like chocolate and refined stuff. So I feel bad. I was in a very devastating period for almost 2 weeks. It was really tough, and even now it's really tough too but I'm slowly getting there. For like 3 days, I didn't even want to read the bible, but I knew I should otherwise, physically I will be worn out especially when I've been waking up really early for jobs and stuff.
Anyways. I'm glad that God is providing for me dollar by dollar. I've got 2 fines the other day and I was not happy at all. I was quite frustrated actually, but then I thought that God will be able to help and if I have to pay for it, God will provide a way for me to earn to pay that amount. So I'm not worried any more. Last time when I took Chi to work in Strathfield the disabled parking card got confiscated but thankfully mum went to register for a new one so that's good.
So my goal for this year was to do 50 photoshoots. It is now the 22/1 and it's been 4 weeks and I've done 4 photoshoots. I have quite a few coming up as well so I'm really am thankful to Jesus, because I know nothing can happen without him, no matter who I'm working with.
Today we did the lookbook for Saveus and it was a very long 13 hour day. I was really tired and light headed. I took the bus instead of the car because I didn't want to risk getting another parking fine. So on the way home on the bus, I was thinking of what happened today and who I've met. Then going home reading all the emails for call sheets and shoots idea, I realised how fortunate I am to be working along side such amazing talents.
Like honestly, I feel like they are way beyond my range, and they've been published everyyywhhhherrrreee. And who am I that they've chosen me?? I know nothing can happen without God. I'm slowly seeing a little dim of light towards the road that I'm travelling. I ask that God will continue to humble me and keep me focused on the purpose of my life, not just my job.
I will soon be working with this amazing make up artist on Natalia's shoot, and then an amazing photographer named Zoe Economides. And on her shoot is this amazing makeup artist, and stylist....Like seriously, I've only been freelancing for a month and I get to have this opportunity to work with such people? How is that possible? How did that even happen anyway??
What makes me most nervous is how they would judge my work. Because one of the make up artist does both hair as well and I have to be honest, I do get nervous when someone else is looking over my work.
When I'm anticipating for these things to happen, it makes me wants to dwell into the words more because I need his power. I need to recharge, I need him next to me because without him I can't do anything. I can't do anything at all and I need him every step of the way. I need Jesus. I need your ideas Lord. I don't want to just come to you when I need help but also come to you when I have good news and celebrations.
Please help me to stay on track with the fast.
Please help during this fast to discover my purpose and who I am. Please bring me into the light Jesus.
I love you and please forgive me for speaking so cruel to you at times during my anger. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.
Thank you for loving me and providing me with opportunities.
I love you Jesus.
Thank you.
Anyways. I'm glad that God is providing for me dollar by dollar. I've got 2 fines the other day and I was not happy at all. I was quite frustrated actually, but then I thought that God will be able to help and if I have to pay for it, God will provide a way for me to earn to pay that amount. So I'm not worried any more. Last time when I took Chi to work in Strathfield the disabled parking card got confiscated but thankfully mum went to register for a new one so that's good.
So my goal for this year was to do 50 photoshoots. It is now the 22/1 and it's been 4 weeks and I've done 4 photoshoots. I have quite a few coming up as well so I'm really am thankful to Jesus, because I know nothing can happen without him, no matter who I'm working with.
Today we did the lookbook for Saveus and it was a very long 13 hour day. I was really tired and light headed. I took the bus instead of the car because I didn't want to risk getting another parking fine. So on the way home on the bus, I was thinking of what happened today and who I've met. Then going home reading all the emails for call sheets and shoots idea, I realised how fortunate I am to be working along side such amazing talents.
Like honestly, I feel like they are way beyond my range, and they've been published everyyywhhhherrrreee. And who am I that they've chosen me?? I know nothing can happen without God. I'm slowly seeing a little dim of light towards the road that I'm travelling. I ask that God will continue to humble me and keep me focused on the purpose of my life, not just my job.
I will soon be working with this amazing make up artist on Natalia's shoot, and then an amazing photographer named Zoe Economides. And on her shoot is this amazing makeup artist, and stylist....Like seriously, I've only been freelancing for a month and I get to have this opportunity to work with such people? How is that possible? How did that even happen anyway??
What makes me most nervous is how they would judge my work. Because one of the make up artist does both hair as well and I have to be honest, I do get nervous when someone else is looking over my work.
When I'm anticipating for these things to happen, it makes me wants to dwell into the words more because I need his power. I need to recharge, I need him next to me because without him I can't do anything. I can't do anything at all and I need him every step of the way. I need Jesus. I need your ideas Lord. I don't want to just come to you when I need help but also come to you when I have good news and celebrations.
Please help me to stay on track with the fast.
Please help during this fast to discover my purpose and who I am. Please bring me into the light Jesus.
I love you and please forgive me for speaking so cruel to you at times during my anger. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me.
Thank you for loving me and providing me with opportunities.
I love you Jesus.
Thank you.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Daniel fast - Day 13/31 - I'm losing it, I'm kind of over it
So it is the 13th day today. And for breakfast, unlike every other day where I just drink water and have fruits, I had sugary stuff and a nutella sandwich. It's not wrong, but it's not right either because I said I would not have packaged food. I don't know how I'm feeling now. So like the day before yesterday (Night 11) I felt terrible. And then woke up really early for a shoot yesterday morning. Went to church after and had the BBQ. All along I was just thinking "What Am 'I' doing???" Where will this lead me to? All that I'm doing.
I felt and is still feeling lost. I don't even know where I am. I want Jesus to show me my future and my next step and I don't even see it. I feel like wanting to withdraw away from him. I'm just so lost. I began to doubt and have unbelief about all these things I'm doing. Might be from the devil that's trying to convince me that I have no purpose, and unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe it.
You honestly have to intervene.
You tell me to give and I don't even have an income to give.
Trusting is so uncomfortable.
Last night's message was speaking on the Israelites coming out of Egypt. I felt like God was saying, he wants to humble me that's why I'm in a barren land. I honestly don't know how Joseph and be put into jail, got betrayed by people around him, went through so much for so long yet still trust God. I don't have that kind of faith.
I'm believing the best for the future ahead but it's so hard.
I hate how I'm at church and I'm trying my hardest to feel connected but I don't seem to feel as connected anymore. And tomorrow will be connect group. Am I going to speak of God's faithfulness and not fully believe it myself???
Don't even know if God will intervene.
And this is only the 13th day in.
And I can't believe some people still think I look like a bitch when they meet me for the first time.
"But you're okay today" They say because I give them free food??? Seriously, I don't even care anymore. I get that too many times. Some people think that can never happen, yet some just think I look like an alpha female and a bitch. Whatever.
When am I going to change the way I feel?
Okay, it's all UP TO ME, but it's hard and I can't get out of this mess alone.
I'm sick of hearing, give, put him first, give give give when I CAN'T GIVE!!!!!!
And what is the point of fasting? If it's not going to open doors for me? I look back to times when I gave, some of the times when I fasted long period of time, and I don't even know what the outcome of that was. What DID you do? What did you intervene with? What happened?
I'm meant to be close to God and now I don't even want to read the bible.
I don't know what has gotten into me.
You want me to thank you for what you're giving me in the future. Yes it was easy when I had a lot of faith but not anymore.
Even when Maree recommended to do hair for someone on fb, I don't even bother reply cz there are so many better people.
What will it take for you to change the way I am.
It is too hard, too hard.
How can I ask myself "What is right in this situation?" when I can't find anything. I used to, but I'm too negative for that.
I wonder what you think looking down on me behaving like this.
God. I just have no hope anymore.
I'm sick of leaving my work, and trusting you and following what you say and now I'm here hopeless, having no job, no income.
You said not to look for work, AND I TRUSTED YOU, and you said you have something prepared for me. WHERE IS IT LORD?????? WHERE?? DO I HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE END OF THE YEAR???????
Why do you choose me anyway. What am I to you? If you know my life from front to back then you would've already seen this coming. Why then do you choose me for my lack of faith and belief. Why then do you tolerate me speaking to you like this?
I don't see a reason for this to happen. What is life? Who will I be?
I really don't care anymore because if you really cared, you would do something right now.
I felt and is still feeling lost. I don't even know where I am. I want Jesus to show me my future and my next step and I don't even see it. I feel like wanting to withdraw away from him. I'm just so lost. I began to doubt and have unbelief about all these things I'm doing. Might be from the devil that's trying to convince me that I have no purpose, and unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe it.
You honestly have to intervene.
You tell me to give and I don't even have an income to give.
Trusting is so uncomfortable.
Last night's message was speaking on the Israelites coming out of Egypt. I felt like God was saying, he wants to humble me that's why I'm in a barren land. I honestly don't know how Joseph and be put into jail, got betrayed by people around him, went through so much for so long yet still trust God. I don't have that kind of faith.
I'm believing the best for the future ahead but it's so hard.
I hate how I'm at church and I'm trying my hardest to feel connected but I don't seem to feel as connected anymore. And tomorrow will be connect group. Am I going to speak of God's faithfulness and not fully believe it myself???
Don't even know if God will intervene.
And this is only the 13th day in.
And I can't believe some people still think I look like a bitch when they meet me for the first time.
"But you're okay today" They say because I give them free food??? Seriously, I don't even care anymore. I get that too many times. Some people think that can never happen, yet some just think I look like an alpha female and a bitch. Whatever.
When am I going to change the way I feel?
Okay, it's all UP TO ME, but it's hard and I can't get out of this mess alone.
I'm sick of hearing, give, put him first, give give give when I CAN'T GIVE!!!!!!
And what is the point of fasting? If it's not going to open doors for me? I look back to times when I gave, some of the times when I fasted long period of time, and I don't even know what the outcome of that was. What DID you do? What did you intervene with? What happened?
I'm meant to be close to God and now I don't even want to read the bible.
I don't know what has gotten into me.
You want me to thank you for what you're giving me in the future. Yes it was easy when I had a lot of faith but not anymore.
Even when Maree recommended to do hair for someone on fb, I don't even bother reply cz there are so many better people.
What will it take for you to change the way I am.
It is too hard, too hard.
How can I ask myself "What is right in this situation?" when I can't find anything. I used to, but I'm too negative for that.
I wonder what you think looking down on me behaving like this.
God. I just have no hope anymore.
I'm sick of leaving my work, and trusting you and following what you say and now I'm here hopeless, having no job, no income.
You said not to look for work, AND I TRUSTED YOU, and you said you have something prepared for me. WHERE IS IT LORD?????? WHERE?? DO I HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE END OF THE YEAR???????
Why do you choose me anyway. What am I to you? If you know my life from front to back then you would've already seen this coming. Why then do you choose me for my lack of faith and belief. Why then do you tolerate me speaking to you like this?
I don't see a reason for this to happen. What is life? Who will I be?
I really don't care anymore because if you really cared, you would do something right now.
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