Although I don't need to know the reasons for everything but I really do wonder why these things have to happen. I know they all happen together for the good with those who love Him. I know that they all happen for God's Kingdom and glory but why?
Is God trying to show me the Dad that He is? And is He trying to show me that Jesus is the ultimate God after all? That all our biological fathers are carriers not the creators? That I was born through my parents not from them? That God made us all by His glorious power?
For whatever that reasons may be. I do not want to waste my time and ask if God doesn't want me to know just yet. All I have to say is, after everything, I finally know who my real father is. And it is He who resides in heaven, who made me and loved me even when I did not know Him. He loved the one who spit on him, who rebuked His name, who insulted him and despised his greatness and glory. I'm glad at least I have Jesus in the midst of all the troubles.
I don't need to turn to anyone but Jesus. He is all I need. I know how my dad is and how he will turn out like. All I ask is for him to ultimately realise the love my mum has for him and all that she has sacrificed during their relationship. I do not pray that curses will be upon him or that he should suffer for the rest of his life. I know for a fact that the rest of his life would be a very lonely one, which is so unfortunately. But you know what, I still care and love him because he is my father, he is my dad. And even if all this happen, I will never forget those loving moments we had together in previous years. I miss it so much when he laughs and be all cheery. I missed those days when my parents were happy together, and when we were all together lovingly enjoying the complete company of one another. But those days were gone, as everything has its timing.
God, but I honestly lost so much respect for him, after everything he has done. I feel so much pity for the man that mum once loved. I feel sorry for him because his mind is so limited. And I know what you would call him, you'd call him a "fool". There is no need to explain anything to such person, because they will not understand it even if you try. I don't know how my dad has reached this far. I don't understand how his character can change so much. I don't understand why.
I thought the things he said would hurt me more, but I felt like there was a wall of glass surrounding my heart blocking out everything negative that was said about me. It was like God was trying to let me know that what my dad said isn't reality. That the truth is my father in heaven cares about me and will never forsake me. I could not believe my dad was going to hit me. I honestly feel like HE CAN NEVER TOUCH ME by the BLOOD OF CHRIST! I dare him to! He can never touch me or lay his hands on me because the spirit is upon me and God protects me. I could not believe it when he said that he never wanted to come to Australia. THEN WHY THE HELL DID HE SIGN ALL THE DOCUMENTS? Why does he have to blame mum for taking him here? Why does he even have to tell me to ask mum? He makes it seem like it costed him something so significant to get to where he is, or that he has to sacrifice something so great to come to Australia. Yeah, something sooo significant, namely his wild field of "freedom" called "Vietnam" where he is free to meet, greet, spend his money and live his life as a "SINGLE" man even though technically he is still married. I can't believe how mum can bare such pain for so long. How she can forgive him of ALL THOSE WRONGS dad did. I mean, THOSE ARE SO HUGE! Seriously, they've got to be a collection of the deepest sin wronged by a husband/man. Gambling, drinking, smoking, cheating, cursing, abuse: verbally and physically. And times that by a BILLION! How many people has he cheated with? Hrm, I don't even know. Like 5 - 6 or even way more. Who knows how many when he goes to the brothel. The worst part is, he cheated with my parent's friend! A person who I also call mum! A neighbour as well! What is wrong with this corrupted world. And what about all the money he has spent on gambling! probably thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. I mean, just the previous week, he has spent more than 2 grands on WHO KNOWS WHAT. But I don't really care anymore. I can't wait till we move back to Belmore. I just want my mum to live healthily and happily enjoying life. I just want her to relax in the comfort of her own home, with nice garden ect. I really feel sorry for dad. Like really really sorry for him. I don't even know how long he has left to live because of how much he smokes. Easily 1 - 2 packets a day! And drinking? Forget it, he is the strongest drinker ever. He wanted everything, and he got it all. He wanted to divide the income and he got that. Now he still questions why and where and how such money went. Omg don't get me started. I really don't have a good feeling about his life after this. As in his old age. I picture him really lonely, spending money on people who doesn't even care about him, but gives him temporary satisfaction. I can see people acting fake, being nice, manipulating him for money. And then at the end of his life, he will be left with nothing. Who will care for him then? Who? I mean WHO??????? Even though he hurt us, even though he disrespected us, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. HE IS STILL MY DAD! AND I CARE FOR HIM. I just have to trust in the Lord that He will have his way for my dad. But for now, I just have to stay strong for my mum through this journey. It will take probably 2 months I think. I think so. To sell the shop, waiting period, paper work and all the rest, moving ect. I was just thinking today. I don't think I'm going to start looking for a hairdressing job until I've settled down probably. My family is all over the place at the moment and work is the least of my worries right now. I just want to settle in a new place first then do whatever I need to do later on. I really don't know how the rest of the year will turn out, but I trust in the Lord that whatever He has got for me will be the best. It is coming. I just have to trust him and be patient. Jesus I thank you that your angel was guiding me and your spirit was with me through my speech. My heart was racing as I began. But God, I'm not going to worried. I know for a fact that there are far more harder things ahead and I need to save my energy for that. I need to continueingly seek your words for wisdom and protection. Thank you Jesus.
Please please please help us sell the shop asap! Find someone who is willing to pay the right price. I just want to get out of here! I really want to! I want to start a new, fresh life! Protect me, mum and my little sis. And please I pray you will show dad how much mum really loved and cared for him. What ever he decides to do. Just help him learn from his lessons.
