God I want you to talk to me. I want you to speak to me. I need you so much Jesus.
I don't understand why I'm still feeling this way. I try to read, to listen to sermons, to be positive, to rest. I don't know what else to do. As positive as I am right now, I still feel like I'm out of energy..
I can't help but feel disappointed with myself for not carrying out my goal until the very end. Why do I always fail to meet the destination where I want to be at.
Why do I keep consuming all these foods when they literally give me so much pain and discomfort. Why does things have to be so confusing. I want to learn more and more, but it seems like the more I learn, the more crazy I get because I find it hard to follow multiple way of living.
Why can't I love the way I am?
Shouldn't I convince myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by YOU?
Yes I tell myself that, but why do I have such a hard time REALLY believing it?
Why am I like this Jesus?
I want to start a new hobby so bad but why haven't I done anything about it?????? Whyyy???? Why can't I make some time for it. Even if I'm that busy, I'm sure there are some time that I can put out righttt?? Righhtttt Lordd???
I've been waiting for this holiday for so long, but why is it so soon. Why is my body so sluggish and .... (disgusting)....
I know I shouldn't say those words but.... why :(
When will things get better....??? When??????????
WHEN WILL I EEVERRRRRRRRRR GET TO WHERE I WANT TO BEEEEEEEEE????????????????????????????????????????????
All I can really say is..
Thank you ...
for always being with me even when I think you're not. But you have always been and you will always will be.
I need a new revelation. A fresh Anointing. Jesus I'm calling out to you now..
Will you come, will you come???
You must because I believe so.
:(
My heart feels like it's literally teared up in a million pieces, shattered, unaltered, disheartened, old age, tired and is ready to be thrown away...
WHY WHY WHY
my mind....
Sunday, November 21, 2010
iPhone memo 2
October 31
Why this new way of life ?
- a sense of completeness & well being
- joy & happiness
- stable mood
- energy to carry out daily tasks to the fullest.
1. Have adequate rest. 9 hours.
2. One hour with God every morning.
3. Every single meal have fresh fruits/ vegetables with it. Living food taking up 2/3 of the daily intake.
4. Snack on FRUITS only!!! Listen to this and you will get what you want.
5. Find something I enjoy doing and do it 5 times a week. You will only succeed if you promise me you will do it 5 times a week. Zuzana is great. Try her.
6. Think from the inside out. (11:27pm)
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November 6
God?!
My heart hurts so much right now. Why does this have to happen? Why do I have to dream about the argument with my mum. If dreams have meaning then what does this dream mean?? Lord why does everything have to be so difficult. Even when I don't want to eat bad food I would get told off for. Why does these cooked diet have to be so conventional?? Why can't ppl understand what I'm going through rather than pushing me aside thinking that everything I do is a waste of time? Why wouldn't my mum
Understand me? Why can't she just let me rest?? I need it so bad. I'm seeking you now and will I feel any better? I honestly am sick of absolutely everything. I'm on my way to work now & I don't want any clients eventhough that would make me more money. But Jesus I'm so tired so restless. Why doesn't anything work? All these different ways of eating would not give me the body that I want. Jesus, you tell me that if I seek then I shall find so when will
I find it God? I need you to show me how and make me do that. Its not good enough just to know what to do but not applying it. It would be a waste otherwise. So God hear out for me. Please give me time out from everyone. I really need it. Let mum give me a break. I'm really tired & restless. I just want to be by myself!! I just wish I cam cry and cry and cry. I hate this weather as well. It's good if it was only occasionally but it's been like this for days. When will the sun comes out?? When will things get better? Yes I do have faith. Lord but when???????? When will that man come?? I seriously thought nothing could be worse than what I experienced months ago but I'm totally wrong. Worse and worse things keep on happening. I know everything happens for a reason but why are these things happening to me. And about this raw diet thing. Every single person who has gone through it have experienced something amazing and transformative but what about me?? For the past 2 weeks I haven't been feeling totally up to it. I thought it'd give you energy and a clarity. God I'm lost. Are you here?? Where are you? (7:13pm)
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November 15
Another new day.....
Well God I don't think I will ever forget last night. Let's just say the early morning of the 15th of november. I waited 8 years to tell her what I told her. God you know it all and now I know you were always preparing me. I can really relate to TD Jakes' message from his book. It's about using your failure, struggles and pain to be the fuel, force and retraction whilst aiming at my goal/ target. The stronger the retraction the greater the force that is exerted. Jesus I would have never thought that I would be able to tell her but I did and I think that she knows how much it meant to me so she was okay with it. At least now I don't have to lie to her. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for blessing me and seeing my effort that I've put into the fast. Thank you Jesus so much. I don't know how I would be like without you. And thinking back to last night where did I get that courage to say everything I did? I seriously don't know but what I do know is that the holy spirit was in me. I can't believe it still. But I'm happy now that mum is starting to understand more of who I am. I want to start dancing or exercising more often but I'm still trying to figure out the time. My heart hurts when I do think about how my mum was last night. I never thought she cared that much. I mean I knew but not to the point where she'd stayed at the lounge room lying there waiting for me, crying to me ect.....
I don't want to talk or think about that. It hurts me. Well I'm just hoping I'd get to work soon cz I caught the bus late.
Mums coming church with me soon so I'm just hoping that Jesus would bless me with another Vietnamese person who is of similar age with my mum so the she at least knows how things are like around the church. I'm just excited for what's to come. (9:41am)
------
November 17
Nothing can beat the amazing feeling after consuming fresh fruits and vegetables. My one and only banana & mango smoothie every morning. Absolutely delicious. I kept on eating breads and other processed cooked food but nothing leaves me satisfied but only sick in the stomach and wanting more food because it's still lacking sufficient nutrients. I love God. No matter what I do, he still loves me. He doesn't change like shifting shadows. He's the same yesterday, today and forever. Even in the midst of troubles, he doesn't care for me anymore than when my life is going just right. He is always so concerned about me. He is always working for my benefit. Jesus I lovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee you so so so amazingly much. U hear me!!!! You know how much feelings and faith & prayers I've put in during my fasts. U know it all and your revelation to me is amazing. I have no doubt that it would come true. I mean, you've already made it happen but you need our prayers, my prayers for it to be released. Jesus I believe in you and I speak salvation into my mums life!!! I'm in love with you and you are truly magnificent!!! How can we watch these creations around us beautifying the world without acknowledging that there is a creator behind all this!! You are so great. So wonderful. How can this huge, incredible God created us this way just to express his love to us. At this particular size, in this position hanging in the midst of the cosmos, so small yet he gave us all the grand things for visual pleasure. I don't know. He is just too amazing. (11:05am)
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November 19
Dear God.
Can I just say how much I love you and how thankful I am. I have finally felt good about something. Thank you so much for allowing me to do something that is so rewarding. Even though I don't get paid that much but it doesn't matter. It reminds me that I am always dependent on you. I love you so much and thank you for reaching out to me. I know now that as long as I seek you first everything's going to be alright. You will bless me immensely. You have taught me to care more about how I FEEL instead of how I look or what i get. I know now that what is unseen is priceless and is so much more valuable than things that are visible. :) Jesus I want to screammmmm how much I love you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! I now know how precious feeling great is. Doing what I love for a living. Eating things that just nourish me makes me feel great. Thank you for fruits and vegetables. Thank you for the sunshine and the fresh air. Thank you for rest. Thank you for comfort. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so much God, Jesus, holy spirit. Thank you (11:20am)
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November 19
Everything seems so hard.
Why have I given up all that? Where are you Lord? I need you. I need you to show me the right way. Can you please show me how to do these things that you want me to do? Why does physical appearance have to be such an issue to me? Why doesn't work???!!! Why do I have to keep juggling with this weight problem. When can I have that body that I want. That utmost health level? Why wasn't I feelling as good when I was doing that raw diet? Why did everyone experience all these positive things but I rarely did? Is this the way you want us to live? Why does my family have to be so conventional? Why can't I find something that I enjoy doing so at least I can turn to it when I'm down. I've been so down lately. Do you know God? I'm on the way to work and I don't want to work. I just want to get away from this place!!!!!!! Lord why are there so much things and responsibilities on my shoulder. I need you so much but I don't seem to hear you. Is it because I'm not seeking your words? Why am I like this? How come I'm not energetic like last year. Always ready to wake up and go gym. Reaching to your word constantly. Do I have to do another NO- food fast? Water fast? I want to reach into your words but I want to be able to read things that are relevant. Lord why does my soul seem so weak. Why does ppl seem so happy while I'm just here having this deep sorrow in my heart? Can things get any better????? Every morning when I wake up, I no longer feel joy. I feel like I'm going through a beautiful day but in the tunnel of hell. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know who would understand and be able to comfort me, mentor me without being so blunt and demanding. Lord I've been wanting someone to come into my heart. Jesus you said that we can ask anything in Jesus' name and it shall be given. Can you please send me a mentor to guide me? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I'm just here living but slowing dying. I see my life as nothing but a shifting shadow. Why does it have to be this hard? I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I want to go away and cry my heart out!!!!!!!!!! Godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. Wherrrreeeeeee areeeeee yoouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Why aren't you showing me a wayyyyyy out?? :(
-------
I know that everything happens for a reason lord so I won't complain anymore but what I do ask is for your favor to be on me. god you know all the things I don't. you are more kowledgeable and you know why I have failed. you also know why I have failed this many times. god seriously I don't even know why that happened but I feel like you're preparing me for something big. are you setting me with someone who you want me to meet. god I lay it all in your hands. I know you love me and always want the best for me. these failures must happen for a reason. I don't think I'm that bad to a point where I've done 11 transient cut. I'm so scared of that cut now. Jesus I know I say let your will be done but I'm so so sad. I really am. I just want to finish in 6 weeks and not have to stay back. I really Need to pass at least 3 hair cuts this week. I really need to. I really need to. Jesus please I hope it's apart of your will. lord I need ur favor upon me I really need it. please be with me. anoint me with new gifts and talent so i can succeed!!!!!! please god I need you so much!!!!!!
Tell me why this is happening.
Tell me why I've failed once again. Tell me why you didn't do anything when I had so much faith. I believed that it would be a great rest of the day yet 2 of my models didn't turn up and in top of that I've done 12 transient cuts! Are you forsaking me? Are you punishing me? What did I do for you to not have your mercy upon me lord? I was aiming to pass at least 2 hair cuts but I passed none. Did you hear my cries? Did you hear me begging you? I know everything is done according to your will and not mine and I shoulnt have to understand everything but I still feel like the devil is attacking me or that you're punishing me. I don't know how I would go on. Am i overly confident? Am I not taking things slow? Am I not getting enough feedbacks? they're all wrong but I mean that's how they perceive me? As someone who thinks she knows everything? Well I don't and how can I make them not think that? He said I shoul relax? Take smaller sections. Okay I've been doing that. James told me. And I've been relaxing. The other girls both passed today but me. It's been 4 weeks. I just want to die and get away from everything. I don't know how much faith I will have anymore. Tomorrow is the interview and at this rate things are looking pretty bad. I just want to block everyone out and be by myself. Worrying is not going change the outcome and being happy is not going to change it either. It's the skill not a mental problem. Could it be that my family is affecting me? Have Angie even read the email? I'm so depressed and sad and is in great despair. My god my god why have you forsake me??
For some reasons I feel a little down right now. Firstly it's how I look and secondly it's how people perceive me. I mean the second is not that important because I know for a fact that I will achieve what I want through the power of God. I don't have to put my trust in anyone except for the one who made me and know exactly what my future looks like. I'm also glad that "that" feeling is going away slowly. I just don't think it's appropriate to feel what I felt before. Seriously I think I let my thoughts control my feelings too much. I shouldn't do that. Right now I'm just sad and depressed because I really hate how I look right now. I just want to get home asap so no one can look at me. That's how paranoid I am right now. I can't help but feel really disappointed of myself for letting me go like this. I've tried to set out goals but has NEVER been able to fully pursue that till the end. And when i don't see the results I just give up and start eating the wrong food again. Applied knowledge is power not just merely knowledge itself. I'm just unhappy with myself for not applying what I know but ignore it. What's the point of obtaining more knowledge when I don't even do it. God I hate that about me. I could never stay on track. I just want to be different now. I need to. I hate my face soooooooo much. It's getting so round and fat. I feel like my face has swelled. I feel sluggish. I need to find motivation to start once again. I need to. I have to. I have to look different. I want to feel different. I think I need to come home and really elaborate on the goals I have. I'm so lazy though. I ate too much bread today I think because my stomach doesn't feel too well and it feels bloated. I hate how I look. I hate it. I absolutely hateeeeee it :(
Why this new way of life ?
- a sense of completeness & well being
- joy & happiness
- stable mood
- energy to carry out daily tasks to the fullest.
1. Have adequate rest. 9 hours.
2. One hour with God every morning.
3. Every single meal have fresh fruits/ vegetables with it. Living food taking up 2/3 of the daily intake.
4. Snack on FRUITS only!!! Listen to this and you will get what you want.
5. Find something I enjoy doing and do it 5 times a week. You will only succeed if you promise me you will do it 5 times a week. Zuzana is great. Try her.
6. Think from the inside out. (11:27pm)
-------
November 6
God?!
My heart hurts so much right now. Why does this have to happen? Why do I have to dream about the argument with my mum. If dreams have meaning then what does this dream mean?? Lord why does everything have to be so difficult. Even when I don't want to eat bad food I would get told off for. Why does these cooked diet have to be so conventional?? Why can't ppl understand what I'm going through rather than pushing me aside thinking that everything I do is a waste of time? Why wouldn't my mum
Understand me? Why can't she just let me rest?? I need it so bad. I'm seeking you now and will I feel any better? I honestly am sick of absolutely everything. I'm on my way to work now & I don't want any clients eventhough that would make me more money. But Jesus I'm so tired so restless. Why doesn't anything work? All these different ways of eating would not give me the body that I want. Jesus, you tell me that if I seek then I shall find so when will
I find it God? I need you to show me how and make me do that. Its not good enough just to know what to do but not applying it. It would be a waste otherwise. So God hear out for me. Please give me time out from everyone. I really need it. Let mum give me a break. I'm really tired & restless. I just want to be by myself!! I just wish I cam cry and cry and cry. I hate this weather as well. It's good if it was only occasionally but it's been like this for days. When will the sun comes out?? When will things get better? Yes I do have faith. Lord but when???????? When will that man come?? I seriously thought nothing could be worse than what I experienced months ago but I'm totally wrong. Worse and worse things keep on happening. I know everything happens for a reason but why are these things happening to me. And about this raw diet thing. Every single person who has gone through it have experienced something amazing and transformative but what about me?? For the past 2 weeks I haven't been feeling totally up to it. I thought it'd give you energy and a clarity. God I'm lost. Are you here?? Where are you? (7:13pm)
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November 15
Another new day.....
Well God I don't think I will ever forget last night. Let's just say the early morning of the 15th of november. I waited 8 years to tell her what I told her. God you know it all and now I know you were always preparing me. I can really relate to TD Jakes' message from his book. It's about using your failure, struggles and pain to be the fuel, force and retraction whilst aiming at my goal/ target. The stronger the retraction the greater the force that is exerted. Jesus I would have never thought that I would be able to tell her but I did and I think that she knows how much it meant to me so she was okay with it. At least now I don't have to lie to her. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for blessing me and seeing my effort that I've put into the fast. Thank you Jesus so much. I don't know how I would be like without you. And thinking back to last night where did I get that courage to say everything I did? I seriously don't know but what I do know is that the holy spirit was in me. I can't believe it still. But I'm happy now that mum is starting to understand more of who I am. I want to start dancing or exercising more often but I'm still trying to figure out the time. My heart hurts when I do think about how my mum was last night. I never thought she cared that much. I mean I knew but not to the point where she'd stayed at the lounge room lying there waiting for me, crying to me ect.....
I don't want to talk or think about that. It hurts me. Well I'm just hoping I'd get to work soon cz I caught the bus late.
Mums coming church with me soon so I'm just hoping that Jesus would bless me with another Vietnamese person who is of similar age with my mum so the she at least knows how things are like around the church. I'm just excited for what's to come. (9:41am)
------
November 17
Nothing can beat the amazing feeling after consuming fresh fruits and vegetables. My one and only banana & mango smoothie every morning. Absolutely delicious. I kept on eating breads and other processed cooked food but nothing leaves me satisfied but only sick in the stomach and wanting more food because it's still lacking sufficient nutrients. I love God. No matter what I do, he still loves me. He doesn't change like shifting shadows. He's the same yesterday, today and forever. Even in the midst of troubles, he doesn't care for me anymore than when my life is going just right. He is always so concerned about me. He is always working for my benefit. Jesus I lovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee you so so so amazingly much. U hear me!!!! You know how much feelings and faith & prayers I've put in during my fasts. U know it all and your revelation to me is amazing. I have no doubt that it would come true. I mean, you've already made it happen but you need our prayers, my prayers for it to be released. Jesus I believe in you and I speak salvation into my mums life!!! I'm in love with you and you are truly magnificent!!! How can we watch these creations around us beautifying the world without acknowledging that there is a creator behind all this!! You are so great. So wonderful. How can this huge, incredible God created us this way just to express his love to us. At this particular size, in this position hanging in the midst of the cosmos, so small yet he gave us all the grand things for visual pleasure. I don't know. He is just too amazing. (11:05am)
-------
November 19
Dear God.
Can I just say how much I love you and how thankful I am. I have finally felt good about something. Thank you so much for allowing me to do something that is so rewarding. Even though I don't get paid that much but it doesn't matter. It reminds me that I am always dependent on you. I love you so much and thank you for reaching out to me. I know now that as long as I seek you first everything's going to be alright. You will bless me immensely. You have taught me to care more about how I FEEL instead of how I look or what i get. I know now that what is unseen is priceless and is so much more valuable than things that are visible. :) Jesus I want to screammmmm how much I love you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! I now know how precious feeling great is. Doing what I love for a living. Eating things that just nourish me makes me feel great. Thank you for fruits and vegetables. Thank you for the sunshine and the fresh air. Thank you for rest. Thank you for comfort. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so much God, Jesus, holy spirit. Thank you (11:20am)
------
November 19
Everything seems so hard.
Why have I given up all that? Where are you Lord? I need you. I need you to show me the right way. Can you please show me how to do these things that you want me to do? Why does physical appearance have to be such an issue to me? Why doesn't work???!!! Why do I have to keep juggling with this weight problem. When can I have that body that I want. That utmost health level? Why wasn't I feelling as good when I was doing that raw diet? Why did everyone experience all these positive things but I rarely did? Is this the way you want us to live? Why does my family have to be so conventional? Why can't I find something that I enjoy doing so at least I can turn to it when I'm down. I've been so down lately. Do you know God? I'm on the way to work and I don't want to work. I just want to get away from this place!!!!!!! Lord why are there so much things and responsibilities on my shoulder. I need you so much but I don't seem to hear you. Is it because I'm not seeking your words? Why am I like this? How come I'm not energetic like last year. Always ready to wake up and go gym. Reaching to your word constantly. Do I have to do another NO- food fast? Water fast? I want to reach into your words but I want to be able to read things that are relevant. Lord why does my soul seem so weak. Why does ppl seem so happy while I'm just here having this deep sorrow in my heart? Can things get any better????? Every morning when I wake up, I no longer feel joy. I feel like I'm going through a beautiful day but in the tunnel of hell. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know who would understand and be able to comfort me, mentor me without being so blunt and demanding. Lord I've been wanting someone to come into my heart. Jesus you said that we can ask anything in Jesus' name and it shall be given. Can you please send me a mentor to guide me? I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I'm just here living but slowing dying. I see my life as nothing but a shifting shadow. Why does it have to be this hard? I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I want to go away and cry my heart out!!!!!!!!!! Godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd. Wherrrreeeeeee areeeeee yoouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Why aren't you showing me a wayyyyyy out?? :(
-------
During Vadering
I know that everything happens for a reason lord so I won't complain anymore but what I do ask is for your favor to be on me. god you know all the things I don't. you are more kowledgeable and you know why I have failed. you also know why I have failed this many times. god seriously I don't even know why that happened but I feel like you're preparing me for something big. are you setting me with someone who you want me to meet. god I lay it all in your hands. I know you love me and always want the best for me. these failures must happen for a reason. I don't think I'm that bad to a point where I've done 11 transient cut. I'm so scared of that cut now. Jesus I know I say let your will be done but I'm so so sad. I really am. I just want to finish in 6 weeks and not have to stay back. I really Need to pass at least 3 hair cuts this week. I really need to. I really need to. Jesus please I hope it's apart of your will. lord I need ur favor upon me I really need it. please be with me. anoint me with new gifts and talent so i can succeed!!!!!! please god I need you so much!!!!!!
Tell me why this is happening.
Tell me why I've failed once again. Tell me why you didn't do anything when I had so much faith. I believed that it would be a great rest of the day yet 2 of my models didn't turn up and in top of that I've done 12 transient cuts! Are you forsaking me? Are you punishing me? What did I do for you to not have your mercy upon me lord? I was aiming to pass at least 2 hair cuts but I passed none. Did you hear my cries? Did you hear me begging you? I know everything is done according to your will and not mine and I shoulnt have to understand everything but I still feel like the devil is attacking me or that you're punishing me. I don't know how I would go on. Am i overly confident? Am I not taking things slow? Am I not getting enough feedbacks? they're all wrong but I mean that's how they perceive me? As someone who thinks she knows everything? Well I don't and how can I make them not think that? He said I shoul relax? Take smaller sections. Okay I've been doing that. James told me. And I've been relaxing. The other girls both passed today but me. It's been 4 weeks. I just want to die and get away from everything. I don't know how much faith I will have anymore. Tomorrow is the interview and at this rate things are looking pretty bad. I just want to block everyone out and be by myself. Worrying is not going change the outcome and being happy is not going to change it either. It's the skill not a mental problem. Could it be that my family is affecting me? Have Angie even read the email? I'm so depressed and sad and is in great despair. My god my god why have you forsake me??
For some reasons I feel a little down right now. Firstly it's how I look and secondly it's how people perceive me. I mean the second is not that important because I know for a fact that I will achieve what I want through the power of God. I don't have to put my trust in anyone except for the one who made me and know exactly what my future looks like. I'm also glad that "that" feeling is going away slowly. I just don't think it's appropriate to feel what I felt before. Seriously I think I let my thoughts control my feelings too much. I shouldn't do that. Right now I'm just sad and depressed because I really hate how I look right now. I just want to get home asap so no one can look at me. That's how paranoid I am right now. I can't help but feel really disappointed of myself for letting me go like this. I've tried to set out goals but has NEVER been able to fully pursue that till the end. And when i don't see the results I just give up and start eating the wrong food again. Applied knowledge is power not just merely knowledge itself. I'm just unhappy with myself for not applying what I know but ignore it. What's the point of obtaining more knowledge when I don't even do it. God I hate that about me. I could never stay on track. I just want to be different now. I need to. I hate my face soooooooo much. It's getting so round and fat. I feel like my face has swelled. I feel sluggish. I need to find motivation to start once again. I need to. I have to. I have to look different. I want to feel different. I think I need to come home and really elaborate on the goals I have. I'm so lazy though. I ate too much bread today I think because my stomach doesn't feel too well and it feels bloated. I hate how I look. I hate it. I absolutely hateeeeee it :(
iPhone memo
October 19
Lord. I don't want to keep looking at myself because every time I do I never end up liking what I see. Please remind me of what is unseen which have a lasting impact. Please help me to concentrate not on myself but on you where I will always find peace and joy and satisfaction. God help me to kickstart this journey with strength and please bless me with the consistency that I need to take this to the very end without falling. God I desperately need you so much. Please speak to me and give me that motivation back in my life!! I need you so much. I need you. (12:56pm)
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October 28
3rd day of work.
Thank you Jesus for blessing me with my last client. It's always good to end the day on a good note. I'm so happy that I was able to make my client happy & its wonderful to know that I can use my gift to bless others. Jesus u know yesterday wasn't great and I did not have many clients today but what I do know is that you are God and you have an amazing plan for my life. U know for a fact that this is where u want me to be and thar this journey will take me to my calling, my dream. I'm so honoured to be serving you. I'm honored to be working in such a place. Not everyone there is GREAT but I don't look at it like that. I will use my time wisely to learn as much as possible from everyone. If I can help out with something, I will. Just because I'm a stylist doesn't mean I wont sweep up or do the washing. Jesus I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me but you are with me, I know that for a fact. You are always with me whether Im aware of it or not. Jesus please help me with everything tomorrow. I still struggle to fit in my 45 minutes appointment. Please help me to speed up but still have the quality haircut. Jesus I am nothing without you. I depend on you forever & always. (9:08pm)
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Lord. I don't want to keep looking at myself because every time I do I never end up liking what I see. Please remind me of what is unseen which have a lasting impact. Please help me to concentrate not on myself but on you where I will always find peace and joy and satisfaction. God help me to kickstart this journey with strength and please bless me with the consistency that I need to take this to the very end without falling. God I desperately need you so much. Please speak to me and give me that motivation back in my life!! I need you so much. I need you. (12:56pm)
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October 28
3rd day of work.
Thank you Jesus for blessing me with my last client. It's always good to end the day on a good note. I'm so happy that I was able to make my client happy & its wonderful to know that I can use my gift to bless others. Jesus u know yesterday wasn't great and I did not have many clients today but what I do know is that you are God and you have an amazing plan for my life. U know for a fact that this is where u want me to be and thar this journey will take me to my calling, my dream. I'm so honoured to be serving you. I'm honored to be working in such a place. Not everyone there is GREAT but I don't look at it like that. I will use my time wisely to learn as much as possible from everyone. If I can help out with something, I will. Just because I'm a stylist doesn't mean I wont sweep up or do the washing. Jesus I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me but you are with me, I know that for a fact. You are always with me whether Im aware of it or not. Jesus please help me with everything tomorrow. I still struggle to fit in my 45 minutes appointment. Please help me to speed up but still have the quality haircut. Jesus I am nothing without you. I depend on you forever & always. (9:08pm)
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Tuesday, November 9, 2010
there's seasons for everything - suicide thought
It's been a long time since I have written anything here. I will post up some of my entries in the Iphone just so my progress can be evident. Although it hasn't been too well.
My day off today. I'm so glad I had it because I really needed it. Long story short: last night I had thoughts of suicide. I was shocked to find out how normal I felt about such issue. I seriously felt really really normal. I just thought to myself that if I had some pills in my hands, I would not be afraid to consume it and then be with God. But I thought about my family and the effect it will have on everyone. I know it's selfish of me to feel the way I felt and that I wanted to die.
I honestly felt like everything was way too much for my capacity. I've been extremely depressed. I just stayed in bed all day today. Slept all day pretty much. I cried so much for the past few days. I felt so alone. I feel so despair and tired. I don't feel overwhelmed, but more so of being........ overloaded & robbed of energy. The devil was really fighting over my mind.
I know it's a serious issue: suicidal. However, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to any pastors. It's funny how I want "out" at this time. You can say it would be the beginning of my prime future. Everyone probably percieve me as this talented, young, lovely, Godly girl, but who would've thought that behind that face, there lies a deeper side to her. Much sorrow, much darkness, much despair, much much going on than a simple happy face.
I've been lonely. I've been feeling so down. My health is not reaching to where it should be. My work... I don't know. I enjoy doing my client's hair and talking to them and those are the only times that I completely let myself go. No matter how I am feeling, talking to strangers make me happy. Getting to know someone new makes me happy. Doing what I love makes me happy. Giving them a new sense of confidence.... makes me feel wonderful. I feel like I have a hole in my bucket and unless I fix it, water will keep escaping. I think my wound is not healed even if I might think it had. Messed up family..... but it's all God's will ultimately.
I just want to start something new. I know I have to make sure my relationship with God outweights everything. My spirit has to be stronger than my body and soul. My God conciousness has to dominate my self-conciousness and world-conciousness. Getting the body that I want starts by seeking first the word of God, then I believe everything will change.
I'm thinking of starting dance again. I really miss it. I just want to do something that allows me to let go and not have to think about all the problems I have. Jesus help me.
I'm thinking of doing yoga, hip-hop or jazz....I'm just nervous to try out new things AND finding out WHERE I shoud go..
oh well.....
we'll see........
My day off today. I'm so glad I had it because I really needed it. Long story short: last night I had thoughts of suicide. I was shocked to find out how normal I felt about such issue. I seriously felt really really normal. I just thought to myself that if I had some pills in my hands, I would not be afraid to consume it and then be with God. But I thought about my family and the effect it will have on everyone. I know it's selfish of me to feel the way I felt and that I wanted to die.
I honestly felt like everything was way too much for my capacity. I've been extremely depressed. I just stayed in bed all day today. Slept all day pretty much. I cried so much for the past few days. I felt so alone. I feel so despair and tired. I don't feel overwhelmed, but more so of being........ overloaded & robbed of energy. The devil was really fighting over my mind.
I know it's a serious issue: suicidal. However, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to any pastors. It's funny how I want "out" at this time. You can say it would be the beginning of my prime future. Everyone probably percieve me as this talented, young, lovely, Godly girl, but who would've thought that behind that face, there lies a deeper side to her. Much sorrow, much darkness, much despair, much much going on than a simple happy face.
I've been lonely. I've been feeling so down. My health is not reaching to where it should be. My work... I don't know. I enjoy doing my client's hair and talking to them and those are the only times that I completely let myself go. No matter how I am feeling, talking to strangers make me happy. Getting to know someone new makes me happy. Doing what I love makes me happy. Giving them a new sense of confidence.... makes me feel wonderful. I feel like I have a hole in my bucket and unless I fix it, water will keep escaping. I think my wound is not healed even if I might think it had. Messed up family..... but it's all God's will ultimately.
I just want to start something new. I know I have to make sure my relationship with God outweights everything. My spirit has to be stronger than my body and soul. My God conciousness has to dominate my self-conciousness and world-conciousness. Getting the body that I want starts by seeking first the word of God, then I believe everything will change.
I'm thinking of starting dance again. I really miss it. I just want to do something that allows me to let go and not have to think about all the problems I have. Jesus help me.
I'm thinking of doing yoga, hip-hop or jazz....I'm just nervous to try out new things AND finding out WHERE I shoud go..
oh well.....
we'll see........
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
God is my ONE and ONLY father
My dad disowned me just now but how can thank God enough for the peace he has given me. He is my everything and is more thankful for everything more than ever.
Misery into mission
Pain into purpose
God is with me and my future can only look brighter and brighter.
Misery into mission
Pain into purpose
God is with me and my future can only look brighter and brighter.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Message from God - I want to reveal something to you
My child. Don't feel weary because I care4 about you. Ask yourself - How would God feel in this situation? What would God do in this situation. How would Jesus handle this situation? Ask yourself that Linh.
I know there's been many things that's causing you stress right now. But what I want you to know is that I've always been with you every step of the way. Now first of all, in terms of the vardering course. I know that the delay of the course made you doubt my great plan for you, but believe me that I had to do it for your benefit. Remember that my ways are higher than your ways. Your understanding is limited and you only sees what's best based on YOUR judgements and understanding, but I see it all. I've created the earth, this universe, the whole mankind, and what makes you think that I don't want the best for you? What you think is best is still not good enough under my term. So can you please put your trust in me and let me demonstrate the wonders of my work. I will show you what I can do and believe me, it will be amazingly great. Trust in me that the previous Friday wasn't a coincidence that you didn't pass your assessments. The models that you THOUGHT were the wrong models were actually people who I wanted you to meet and learn from. I want you to take time with everything that you do. I want you to be well prepared for where I will be placing you. There will be certain techniques that will surely benefit you in the long run. You will learn a lot from doing all of these advance techniques and by not allowing those "right" models to turn up, I've made you think outside of the box to ultimately help develop your skills. Monday will be fine, you will pass both of them on Monday. Believe me. Everything is almost done. But remember, put me first in everything you do. Everything you do. Absolutely everything you do. Watch out for that little voice inside your heart telling you to "do it" or "stop it" or "don't eat it" or "it's okay"...ect Those are the instincts that I've placed in your heart to warn you of what's right and what's wrong. You've asked for wisdom and good judgment so I've given you just that. You just have to sesitise yourself to those voice within you because they are my voice. It is me who is speaking to you and I will only tell you what is best. If you do ignore it, you will learn from your mistake and YOU will have to take up the consequences. You know that full well. You've experienced it many times recently with food haven't you? I've always told you not to eat those processed food but you didn't listen. You still went on and ate it even when you were full, especially when you are TIRED. You know it's not good for you but your flesh does the total opposite of what your spirit tells you. Consequently, you've experienced those painful stomach aches, that HORRIBLE feeling on the bus, as though you wanted to vomit. LINH, MY BELOVED DAUGHTER, the reason why you feel that is because your body doesn't want it! It doesn't need it and your body is not made to process those type of food. I made you so you can enjoy the abudance of the living food readily available around you. Think of how amazing the fresh fruits and vegetables taste compare to the after-feeling of having those sweet breads, oily food in your stomach. You definitely don't want to live with that for the rest of your life.
You think too much, and that is why there are times when I rather not reveal things to you. I feel like the more things I do show you, you will not use it for a long period of time. You get excited and start it, but you are not able to finish it off. You get the hype for it quickly, you have lots of energy for the first few steps but lack that consistency and motivation to take yourself to the end. And as more informations are revealed to you, you start getting confused and not knowing which one is right or is wrong. They are all quite right, to an extent. Linh, all of them DO work, but there are one thing that will ALWAYS be the best out of them all. Learn the basic, go back to the simple thing. You get frustrated too much about your physical appearance. You need to let that go COMPLETELY before you can start on this new journey long term. You don't want to start a diet, you want to have a newly changed lifestyle. You want to adopt a BETTER way of life than you are living. You are not happy with your life, your image, but if you choose to seek me first, I will demonstrate my power to you. I will work miracles in your life. I always know you inside out, and have planned the date of your wedding, your death, your first child, your countless getaway holidays, the day your mum will be saved, the day your sister will truly know how much you care for her, the day your family will finally have peace. I know it all Linh, do you believe that? Understand that I am the God of all gods and no one is greater than I am. By having me, you will be co-heir with Christ and that means, everything YOU do will have extra favours because you are mine. I love you and want the best for you, and because you have faith in me, you believe in me, I will go out of my way to do what I need to do for your calling to be fulfilled. I will move people's life's situation, I will alter the environment so this world will have to conform to YOU and your LIFE/PURPOSE/CALLING. I need you and had I not need you, I wouldn't have died for you. You are apart of an amazing kingdom and plan. Don't ever underestimate the position you are holding right now. You may think it is not much, that it is small, that it's unimportant but you are wrong if you think so. Your life will bring about countless of blessings to people. You have already done that and I'm very glad to be witnessing such Godly and kind attitudes from you towards people around you, whether it'd be strangers, the homeless, the people on the street, bus drivers, the clients you have at work, the people who criticise you, your work colleagues, your mum, your friends, your sister ect. I'm very proud of you and keep up with the positive attitude. That's what I want you to see. And I want to congratulate you on giving extra effort on decide to think extra long before you talk. It's good to take time and consider. Also good to know what you want to avoid to think so that wouldn't affect your emotion, mood, actions and behaviour.
As I said about your new lifestyle. You seem to be struggling a lot right now. You want to start but you can't start because you dont' have a strong enough foundation. You need to know WHY you want to do this and what for. You need to find "unseen" reasons not "seen" because what's unseen will last forever but what is visible to the eyes will quickly fade away. This is what I mean by not concentrating on your physical appearance because didn't I tell you that when you do leave this old body, I will give you a new body in Heaven? Therefore, seek for things such as:
- a sense of completeness & well being
- joy & happiness
- stable mood
- energy to carry out daily tasks to the fullest
As long as you keep in mind these things, all of the other POSITIVE changes will be revealed and present as a byproduct. It will come inevitably.
So I will tell you HOW right now. You can trust in me or you can leave it and go with your old way. Make your decision wisely but I will guarantee you that if you do what I tell you, I PROMISE you will get the body that you want before you leave for the holiday at beginning of December. And how amazing will it be having people seeing you so happy and energetic, full of energy, looking at your best and living an amazing healthy lifestyle. Linh, concentrate on the benefit of the "inside" okay. Look within. This is why I want you to do this. I want you to take care of your body because it is my temple. In this temple I will have to carry out numerous important works. And since you are my Gold utensil, I have to make sure you are "fit" to do the job, and with that I ask that you will follow my way starting from tomorrow on. I ask that from no onward, you will wake up every morning to seek me first. You may get tired but trust me, if you put your attention on me first and dedicate the first hour to me in the morning, the rest of the day will run how it should be. I will give you a map and directions for the rest of the day so you don't have to worry about getting lost or feeling anxious. Don't sleep in because you feel like you're tired, you should know why you are tired. You are tired because you are not getting enough rest. I want you to rest so much and I've designed you in such a way that rest is a necessity for all human being. It should take up 1/3 of your life and so just watch and be cautious at what time you are sleeping at night. I know that you are a night person and likes to stay up late, but do this for me: look after your body and have adequate rest. Give yourself 9 hours sleep at least, 8 is not definitely not enough for you. You need to spend your time wisely so that everything can be done before you get to bed. If you have to wake up at 7 then make sure you sleep at 10, if you need to wake up at 8 then get to bed before 11 and so on. You really need the rest darling. My precious child, this is the first important step to feeling whole.
So we've established that you need REST. Nine hours of sleep. And every morning I want you to dedicate and hour for me. I want to meet you in the morning and have a talk with you. Make it a morning routine. I do like the times when your on the bus and resting in my presence but I would still prefer extra time where you can get into the words and prepare yourself for the battles to come. Your life isn't easy and it won't be any easier as the days go by. You need to be armoured with the truth and the word of God.
Secondly, you need to continue to provide your body with living fruit juice/ fruits in the morning. That is the best thing you can do for it. Have it until your body is satisfy. I do understand that sometimes you feel like something sweet or crunchy, but when you think about it, doesn't fruit gives you just that? Besides, even if you apt for sweet bread, processed food in the morning, you will feel good for the 2-3 minutes you are EATING it, but as soon as it gets into your stomach, the brain will let you know that it isn't what the body needed and eventually causes you to turn moody, fatigue, out of energy and WILL DEFINITELY send you on a guilt trip which you don't want to be on.
The very very very very important third thing is that with every single meal, you need to have some fruits or vegetables with it, ideally it should be fresh and not cooked. You can have this with other healthy starch or protein: brown rice, tuna, homus, fish ect. But sticking to more raw food will benefit you even more. I do realise that you've been considering of trying out the raw diet but I believe it would be too dramatic for you so I'd like to leave you some option. By all mean, you can go some days with just fruits and juice or vegetables which is fantastic and totally fine. However you will still be allowed to have cooked food. It isn't wrong, but it isn't the best for you. You should cut it down to the very minimal. The living food in you meals should take up 2/3. The usual lunch you have with you is THE ideal meal. The salad is fresh with no dressing. You can have it with homus, tuna or honey & nuts. Just mix it up every now and again however you like as long as you keep the proportion right then it should be fine. In terms of dinner, salad again should be highly recommended although steamed vegetables would be okay. Just make sure you eat when you are HUNGRY, and not eat when you DON'T need extra food in your stomach. Do eat when you are hungry, remember that. Wherever you are, if you are hungry, listen to your body and grab something small to satisfy that need. The BEST thing would be a fruit in between meals. DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE besides fruits. Listen to these words and you will have what you want.
But eating is not enough, physical exercise is very important as well. You need to find something that you enjoy doing on a regular basis. You don't need to join a gym, you definitely don't need to. You have do just fine without it and there are many many things that can help keep your physical fitness up. I never designed the gym when I first created man kind, but what I did create was the ability for human to go search for food and to enjoy life on their two feet. I want you to do something that you enjoy doing on a regular basis and do it consistently at least 5 times a week. You will only succeed if you can PROMISE me you will do it at least 5 times a week. It is so important because even if your effort wasn't 100% but the consistency was 100% then you're already there. Think about when's the best time to do that. Would it be in the morning or at night after work. When would it suits you best and be easiest for you. I suggest you should get it out of the way as soon as possible. That way you also kickstart the day with a positive energy within you and knowing that the most important thing is done will make your life so much easier. One day each week, you can pick out any day, be it Saturday or Sunday. On this day I give you permission to eat ONE of your favourite food. So throughout the week, I want you to eat the best that you can and reward yourself with a treat at the end of the week. If you've been craving for bread, a piece of chocolate, easyway, chips, gelato or whatever it is, I give you permission to have ONE serving of that chosen food. ONE and ONE only. Trust me, you don't want anymore than that, it is not good for your body anyway and will surely sabotage all of your hard work. I really recommend zuzana's workout. It is fast, effective and time efficient. She's great and by following her work-out, you will re-visit the awesome feeling you've been missing, particularly all the sweat that releases stress and worries from everyday life. 5 times a week and you will be amazing. You will feel amazing. You will have lots of energy. You will love yourself from the inside out and realise how strong you really are mentally. REMEMBER: Think from the inside out, Think of the unseen benefits and the rest shall come. Think think think. Visualise how you feel and what you can do with that positivity and happiness. How can you show people's the God's love inside of you. Share it with people. Share your smiles, your kind words :) People REALLY do appreciate them Linh. Be a blessing to others by using what I've placed in your heart to share. Whenever you THINK there's someone good that needs to be said, SHARE IT because people need to hear it.
So these are the things I've been trying to tell you but you haven't had the time for me. You went your own way and did your own thing most of the time and when I did remind you, you'd either ignore it or forget about it. However, this time I am glad that you've listened and did something about it. The Holy Spirit was in you and everything I've said thus far is true. I'm impressed that although you are very tired, you've stayed up until now 2:30am to listen to my voice and my words. Linh, trust me that I will give you EVERYTHING you need and EVERYTHING you ask for shall be given openly to you because I love you.
Tomorrow is a new day. 10/10/10 it is a new day. Begin tomorrow darling. My daughter. I'm so excited to see how this journey will transform you. You will gain so much for faith and the things you do WILL change the nations and the world. You are my Gold Utensil, you always have been.
Wake up at 10:20am and get ready for church, I have a message for you. Take your sister with you. She will need it as well. Take her to tutoring and come back home and do what you have to do.
Enjoy your sleep lovely
You Father in Heaven
x
*kiss on the forehead*
I know there's been many things that's causing you stress right now. But what I want you to know is that I've always been with you every step of the way. Now first of all, in terms of the vardering course. I know that the delay of the course made you doubt my great plan for you, but believe me that I had to do it for your benefit. Remember that my ways are higher than your ways. Your understanding is limited and you only sees what's best based on YOUR judgements and understanding, but I see it all. I've created the earth, this universe, the whole mankind, and what makes you think that I don't want the best for you? What you think is best is still not good enough under my term. So can you please put your trust in me and let me demonstrate the wonders of my work. I will show you what I can do and believe me, it will be amazingly great. Trust in me that the previous Friday wasn't a coincidence that you didn't pass your assessments. The models that you THOUGHT were the wrong models were actually people who I wanted you to meet and learn from. I want you to take time with everything that you do. I want you to be well prepared for where I will be placing you. There will be certain techniques that will surely benefit you in the long run. You will learn a lot from doing all of these advance techniques and by not allowing those "right" models to turn up, I've made you think outside of the box to ultimately help develop your skills. Monday will be fine, you will pass both of them on Monday. Believe me. Everything is almost done. But remember, put me first in everything you do. Everything you do. Absolutely everything you do. Watch out for that little voice inside your heart telling you to "do it" or "stop it" or "don't eat it" or "it's okay"...ect Those are the instincts that I've placed in your heart to warn you of what's right and what's wrong. You've asked for wisdom and good judgment so I've given you just that. You just have to sesitise yourself to those voice within you because they are my voice. It is me who is speaking to you and I will only tell you what is best. If you do ignore it, you will learn from your mistake and YOU will have to take up the consequences. You know that full well. You've experienced it many times recently with food haven't you? I've always told you not to eat those processed food but you didn't listen. You still went on and ate it even when you were full, especially when you are TIRED. You know it's not good for you but your flesh does the total opposite of what your spirit tells you. Consequently, you've experienced those painful stomach aches, that HORRIBLE feeling on the bus, as though you wanted to vomit. LINH, MY BELOVED DAUGHTER, the reason why you feel that is because your body doesn't want it! It doesn't need it and your body is not made to process those type of food. I made you so you can enjoy the abudance of the living food readily available around you. Think of how amazing the fresh fruits and vegetables taste compare to the after-feeling of having those sweet breads, oily food in your stomach. You definitely don't want to live with that for the rest of your life.
You think too much, and that is why there are times when I rather not reveal things to you. I feel like the more things I do show you, you will not use it for a long period of time. You get excited and start it, but you are not able to finish it off. You get the hype for it quickly, you have lots of energy for the first few steps but lack that consistency and motivation to take yourself to the end. And as more informations are revealed to you, you start getting confused and not knowing which one is right or is wrong. They are all quite right, to an extent. Linh, all of them DO work, but there are one thing that will ALWAYS be the best out of them all. Learn the basic, go back to the simple thing. You get frustrated too much about your physical appearance. You need to let that go COMPLETELY before you can start on this new journey long term. You don't want to start a diet, you want to have a newly changed lifestyle. You want to adopt a BETTER way of life than you are living. You are not happy with your life, your image, but if you choose to seek me first, I will demonstrate my power to you. I will work miracles in your life. I always know you inside out, and have planned the date of your wedding, your death, your first child, your countless getaway holidays, the day your mum will be saved, the day your sister will truly know how much you care for her, the day your family will finally have peace. I know it all Linh, do you believe that? Understand that I am the God of all gods and no one is greater than I am. By having me, you will be co-heir with Christ and that means, everything YOU do will have extra favours because you are mine. I love you and want the best for you, and because you have faith in me, you believe in me, I will go out of my way to do what I need to do for your calling to be fulfilled. I will move people's life's situation, I will alter the environment so this world will have to conform to YOU and your LIFE/PURPOSE/CALLING. I need you and had I not need you, I wouldn't have died for you. You are apart of an amazing kingdom and plan. Don't ever underestimate the position you are holding right now. You may think it is not much, that it is small, that it's unimportant but you are wrong if you think so. Your life will bring about countless of blessings to people. You have already done that and I'm very glad to be witnessing such Godly and kind attitudes from you towards people around you, whether it'd be strangers, the homeless, the people on the street, bus drivers, the clients you have at work, the people who criticise you, your work colleagues, your mum, your friends, your sister ect. I'm very proud of you and keep up with the positive attitude. That's what I want you to see. And I want to congratulate you on giving extra effort on decide to think extra long before you talk. It's good to take time and consider. Also good to know what you want to avoid to think so that wouldn't affect your emotion, mood, actions and behaviour.
As I said about your new lifestyle. You seem to be struggling a lot right now. You want to start but you can't start because you dont' have a strong enough foundation. You need to know WHY you want to do this and what for. You need to find "unseen" reasons not "seen" because what's unseen will last forever but what is visible to the eyes will quickly fade away. This is what I mean by not concentrating on your physical appearance because didn't I tell you that when you do leave this old body, I will give you a new body in Heaven? Therefore, seek for things such as:
- a sense of completeness & well being
- joy & happiness
- stable mood
- energy to carry out daily tasks to the fullest
As long as you keep in mind these things, all of the other POSITIVE changes will be revealed and present as a byproduct. It will come inevitably.
So I will tell you HOW right now. You can trust in me or you can leave it and go with your old way. Make your decision wisely but I will guarantee you that if you do what I tell you, I PROMISE you will get the body that you want before you leave for the holiday at beginning of December. And how amazing will it be having people seeing you so happy and energetic, full of energy, looking at your best and living an amazing healthy lifestyle. Linh, concentrate on the benefit of the "inside" okay. Look within. This is why I want you to do this. I want you to take care of your body because it is my temple. In this temple I will have to carry out numerous important works. And since you are my Gold utensil, I have to make sure you are "fit" to do the job, and with that I ask that you will follow my way starting from tomorrow on. I ask that from no onward, you will wake up every morning to seek me first. You may get tired but trust me, if you put your attention on me first and dedicate the first hour to me in the morning, the rest of the day will run how it should be. I will give you a map and directions for the rest of the day so you don't have to worry about getting lost or feeling anxious. Don't sleep in because you feel like you're tired, you should know why you are tired. You are tired because you are not getting enough rest. I want you to rest so much and I've designed you in such a way that rest is a necessity for all human being. It should take up 1/3 of your life and so just watch and be cautious at what time you are sleeping at night. I know that you are a night person and likes to stay up late, but do this for me: look after your body and have adequate rest. Give yourself 9 hours sleep at least, 8 is not definitely not enough for you. You need to spend your time wisely so that everything can be done before you get to bed. If you have to wake up at 7 then make sure you sleep at 10, if you need to wake up at 8 then get to bed before 11 and so on. You really need the rest darling. My precious child, this is the first important step to feeling whole.
So we've established that you need REST. Nine hours of sleep. And every morning I want you to dedicate and hour for me. I want to meet you in the morning and have a talk with you. Make it a morning routine. I do like the times when your on the bus and resting in my presence but I would still prefer extra time where you can get into the words and prepare yourself for the battles to come. Your life isn't easy and it won't be any easier as the days go by. You need to be armoured with the truth and the word of God.
Secondly, you need to continue to provide your body with living fruit juice/ fruits in the morning. That is the best thing you can do for it. Have it until your body is satisfy. I do understand that sometimes you feel like something sweet or crunchy, but when you think about it, doesn't fruit gives you just that? Besides, even if you apt for sweet bread, processed food in the morning, you will feel good for the 2-3 minutes you are EATING it, but as soon as it gets into your stomach, the brain will let you know that it isn't what the body needed and eventually causes you to turn moody, fatigue, out of energy and WILL DEFINITELY send you on a guilt trip which you don't want to be on.
The very very very very important third thing is that with every single meal, you need to have some fruits or vegetables with it, ideally it should be fresh and not cooked. You can have this with other healthy starch or protein: brown rice, tuna, homus, fish ect. But sticking to more raw food will benefit you even more. I do realise that you've been considering of trying out the raw diet but I believe it would be too dramatic for you so I'd like to leave you some option. By all mean, you can go some days with just fruits and juice or vegetables which is fantastic and totally fine. However you will still be allowed to have cooked food. It isn't wrong, but it isn't the best for you. You should cut it down to the very minimal. The living food in you meals should take up 2/3. The usual lunch you have with you is THE ideal meal. The salad is fresh with no dressing. You can have it with homus, tuna or honey & nuts. Just mix it up every now and again however you like as long as you keep the proportion right then it should be fine. In terms of dinner, salad again should be highly recommended although steamed vegetables would be okay. Just make sure you eat when you are HUNGRY, and not eat when you DON'T need extra food in your stomach. Do eat when you are hungry, remember that. Wherever you are, if you are hungry, listen to your body and grab something small to satisfy that need. The BEST thing would be a fruit in between meals. DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE besides fruits. Listen to these words and you will have what you want.
But eating is not enough, physical exercise is very important as well. You need to find something that you enjoy doing on a regular basis. You don't need to join a gym, you definitely don't need to. You have do just fine without it and there are many many things that can help keep your physical fitness up. I never designed the gym when I first created man kind, but what I did create was the ability for human to go search for food and to enjoy life on their two feet. I want you to do something that you enjoy doing on a regular basis and do it consistently at least 5 times a week. You will only succeed if you can PROMISE me you will do it at least 5 times a week. It is so important because even if your effort wasn't 100% but the consistency was 100% then you're already there. Think about when's the best time to do that. Would it be in the morning or at night after work. When would it suits you best and be easiest for you. I suggest you should get it out of the way as soon as possible. That way you also kickstart the day with a positive energy within you and knowing that the most important thing is done will make your life so much easier. One day each week, you can pick out any day, be it Saturday or Sunday. On this day I give you permission to eat ONE of your favourite food. So throughout the week, I want you to eat the best that you can and reward yourself with a treat at the end of the week. If you've been craving for bread, a piece of chocolate, easyway, chips, gelato or whatever it is, I give you permission to have ONE serving of that chosen food. ONE and ONE only. Trust me, you don't want anymore than that, it is not good for your body anyway and will surely sabotage all of your hard work. I really recommend zuzana's workout. It is fast, effective and time efficient. She's great and by following her work-out, you will re-visit the awesome feeling you've been missing, particularly all the sweat that releases stress and worries from everyday life. 5 times a week and you will be amazing. You will feel amazing. You will have lots of energy. You will love yourself from the inside out and realise how strong you really are mentally. REMEMBER: Think from the inside out, Think of the unseen benefits and the rest shall come. Think think think. Visualise how you feel and what you can do with that positivity and happiness. How can you show people's the God's love inside of you. Share it with people. Share your smiles, your kind words :) People REALLY do appreciate them Linh. Be a blessing to others by using what I've placed in your heart to share. Whenever you THINK there's someone good that needs to be said, SHARE IT because people need to hear it.
So these are the things I've been trying to tell you but you haven't had the time for me. You went your own way and did your own thing most of the time and when I did remind you, you'd either ignore it or forget about it. However, this time I am glad that you've listened and did something about it. The Holy Spirit was in you and everything I've said thus far is true. I'm impressed that although you are very tired, you've stayed up until now 2:30am to listen to my voice and my words. Linh, trust me that I will give you EVERYTHING you need and EVERYTHING you ask for shall be given openly to you because I love you.
Tomorrow is a new day. 10/10/10 it is a new day. Begin tomorrow darling. My daughter. I'm so excited to see how this journey will transform you. You will gain so much for faith and the things you do WILL change the nations and the world. You are my Gold Utensil, you always have been.
Wake up at 10:20am and get ready for church, I have a message for you. Take your sister with you. She will need it as well. Take her to tutoring and come back home and do what you have to do.
Enjoy your sleep lovely
You Father in Heaven
x
*kiss on the forehead*
Monday, October 4, 2010
Monday. Labour Day. A day off.
I'm really glad I had a day off today. I mean, I really needed it. There are so many things that are on my mind right now I don't know where to start. Apart from that, I'm feeling quite...hungry? or maybe thirsty... I don't know.
Okay. Where shall I start?
Well today was a day off for mum as well and I was pretty excited to have this opportunity to take her out. So we ended up driving to the city and fortunately, we found a FREE parking sport at a back street so it was good. Even though it took a while to look for a parking spot but it was worth it after all. Well anyways, we just went around Darling Habour. There was a festival on, so it was crowded. We watched some of the performances which were pretty entertaining. It made mum happy so I'm glad. We walked around Harbourside and window shopped. We also went to Paddy's Market and Market City to have a look around after eating at Mamak. It was quite an enjoyable day. Mum was telling me about how she just realised the amount of time she's been working. It's been ten long years of hard work and rarely does she get a chance to have time like this. I felt quite sad but I guess work is work and she can't really do anything about it.
Another thing is, I was quite grumpy this morning. I don't know why. I feel like sometimes my attitude towards mum is really wrong. She's the person that I love the most, so shouldn't she be the one who should be treated the best towards? Why then, do act like "that" to make her upset. I should really watch what I say, but more so - the TONE in which I say those things. I really love her and I don't want to hurt her and I know for a fact that she deserves so much more than what I'm giving her now.
What's next. I'm feeling tired? Really really tired right now but I feel inclined to write on my blog and just let out everything that is on my mind.
This week will be my last week at Vardering. I hope I pass all my assessments. I know I will if I trust in Jesus. I just want to say thank you to him for all the blessings he has given me and I also want to give thanks in advance for all that he will do in the days to come. I know he is always with me and everything that are happening right now plays a crucial role in the story of my life. I mean, ultimately it is not about me, but it is about Him. How can I do things to bring Him more glory. What can I do to think less of myself and do more for others. I have to admit that I do tend to think about myself too much and that is the reason why I tend to be frustrated. I know concentrating on yourself will never solve any problem. I have to look to God and understand who I am living for and whether it is about me, or Him. Basically, it is all about Him. He will give me everything that I need to bring about the future he has planned. He will provide all that I need for me to fulfill my calling. I think I already possess those things, and if I don't have them, I should ask myself if it's a "need" or a "want", and be persistent in prayer.
I love God so much and I thank Him for loving me the way He does. I don't think I can ever comprehend the love that He has for mankind. It is incredible just to think of how sophisticated the brain is, and that HE HIMSELF is the creator of that. Not only THAT but all that brings this earth together: the air, the beautiful clouds, the sun, the stars, the billion galaxies, the little butterflies, the genetic calling for each animal, the trees, the flowers, and EVERYTHING ELSE - and how they are self-sufficient! I don't know. It's just way too incredible for my little mind and limited understanding. I want to make sure I have time for God everyday, particularly every morning. I believe it is crucial. And I believe that as soon as I stop thinking about myself and think about HIM, and what BELONGS to Him, and HOW I can best look after it, then things will start falling into place. For example - my body: I should not call it my body but HIS body. It belongs to him. I'm purely a spirit being put into this earthly body and I have the responsibility to look after it as best as I can. He made me this way and I should honour it and everything I do, I should treat it with utmost respect. I should only do what is good and beneficial for my body, not what is damaging. I should be eating things that truly give it the nourishment it needs, instead of indulging in temporary fake food that seems enticing but once it goes down your stomach, it is the worst feeling ever.
Talking about food, I've noticed a change to my body now. My body has gotten used to fruits and vegetables so much now. So much so that if I do eat unhealthy food/ processed food (eg, cakes, breads, cooked noodles ect) then my stomach really do react. I would get stomach pain and discomfort. It's really annoying. But sometimes I eat it anyway EVEN THOUGH I know what the outcome will be like. I just have to trust and listen to the little voice in my head more. If it says, no - don't, then I shouldn't. It's always right - that little voice is my instinct and it's never wrong.
Oh god, I'm so sleep and tired.
Hot Yoga. I really want to go tomorrow. It's so amazing and my body is really feeling it now even after two days. My stomach, arms and legs feel toned which is great. Also, my mind also becomes less stressed after the session. I really want to do it tomorrow after work. I hope I can make it though. It starts at 6:30 and that means I have to start walking at 6pm to make sure I get there on time. If not, I'd have to start the 7:30 session which is VERY late considering what time I will finish. 9pm. and then getting change and catching the bus, not to mention how hungry I'll feel afterwards because the previous meal was at 2pm and by the time I get home, it'd be 10pm and thats TOO late to eat, and I DO NOT want to eat at that time. I want to go in the morning, but I'm not sure if I'm a morning person, and I don't like getting outside of the house without make up so whats the point of getting ready with make up on, only to sweat like a pig and having to reapply the second time. It would be convenient and time productive but ... I don't know..
I shouldn't be saying this, but to be honest, I don't really like how I look. I can imagine God shaking His head right now, but I feel ..... I mean I don't feel that beautiful when I don't have make up. I wish I could carry it off without the necessity of make up. I wish I can flaunt it, bare it with nothing on. But I can't. I don't have the courage to do that. I don't feel pretty. But you know what, I feel the most comfortable when make up is off my face - BY MYSELF & NOT FACING THE MIRROR lol.
I'm really hungry. I want to write some more, but I'm really tired. really tired.
Okay. Where shall I start?
Well today was a day off for mum as well and I was pretty excited to have this opportunity to take her out. So we ended up driving to the city and fortunately, we found a FREE parking sport at a back street so it was good. Even though it took a while to look for a parking spot but it was worth it after all. Well anyways, we just went around Darling Habour. There was a festival on, so it was crowded. We watched some of the performances which were pretty entertaining. It made mum happy so I'm glad. We walked around Harbourside and window shopped. We also went to Paddy's Market and Market City to have a look around after eating at Mamak. It was quite an enjoyable day. Mum was telling me about how she just realised the amount of time she's been working. It's been ten long years of hard work and rarely does she get a chance to have time like this. I felt quite sad but I guess work is work and she can't really do anything about it.
Another thing is, I was quite grumpy this morning. I don't know why. I feel like sometimes my attitude towards mum is really wrong. She's the person that I love the most, so shouldn't she be the one who should be treated the best towards? Why then, do act like "that" to make her upset. I should really watch what I say, but more so - the TONE in which I say those things. I really love her and I don't want to hurt her and I know for a fact that she deserves so much more than what I'm giving her now.
What's next. I'm feeling tired? Really really tired right now but I feel inclined to write on my blog and just let out everything that is on my mind.
This week will be my last week at Vardering. I hope I pass all my assessments. I know I will if I trust in Jesus. I just want to say thank you to him for all the blessings he has given me and I also want to give thanks in advance for all that he will do in the days to come. I know he is always with me and everything that are happening right now plays a crucial role in the story of my life. I mean, ultimately it is not about me, but it is about Him. How can I do things to bring Him more glory. What can I do to think less of myself and do more for others. I have to admit that I do tend to think about myself too much and that is the reason why I tend to be frustrated. I know concentrating on yourself will never solve any problem. I have to look to God and understand who I am living for and whether it is about me, or Him. Basically, it is all about Him. He will give me everything that I need to bring about the future he has planned. He will provide all that I need for me to fulfill my calling. I think I already possess those things, and if I don't have them, I should ask myself if it's a "need" or a "want", and be persistent in prayer.
I love God so much and I thank Him for loving me the way He does. I don't think I can ever comprehend the love that He has for mankind. It is incredible just to think of how sophisticated the brain is, and that HE HIMSELF is the creator of that. Not only THAT but all that brings this earth together: the air, the beautiful clouds, the sun, the stars, the billion galaxies, the little butterflies, the genetic calling for each animal, the trees, the flowers, and EVERYTHING ELSE - and how they are self-sufficient! I don't know. It's just way too incredible for my little mind and limited understanding. I want to make sure I have time for God everyday, particularly every morning. I believe it is crucial. And I believe that as soon as I stop thinking about myself and think about HIM, and what BELONGS to Him, and HOW I can best look after it, then things will start falling into place. For example - my body: I should not call it my body but HIS body. It belongs to him. I'm purely a spirit being put into this earthly body and I have the responsibility to look after it as best as I can. He made me this way and I should honour it and everything I do, I should treat it with utmost respect. I should only do what is good and beneficial for my body, not what is damaging. I should be eating things that truly give it the nourishment it needs, instead of indulging in temporary fake food that seems enticing but once it goes down your stomach, it is the worst feeling ever.
Talking about food, I've noticed a change to my body now. My body has gotten used to fruits and vegetables so much now. So much so that if I do eat unhealthy food/ processed food (eg, cakes, breads, cooked noodles ect) then my stomach really do react. I would get stomach pain and discomfort. It's really annoying. But sometimes I eat it anyway EVEN THOUGH I know what the outcome will be like. I just have to trust and listen to the little voice in my head more. If it says, no - don't, then I shouldn't. It's always right - that little voice is my instinct and it's never wrong.
Oh god, I'm so sleep and tired.
Hot Yoga. I really want to go tomorrow. It's so amazing and my body is really feeling it now even after two days. My stomach, arms and legs feel toned which is great. Also, my mind also becomes less stressed after the session. I really want to do it tomorrow after work. I hope I can make it though. It starts at 6:30 and that means I have to start walking at 6pm to make sure I get there on time. If not, I'd have to start the 7:30 session which is VERY late considering what time I will finish. 9pm. and then getting change and catching the bus, not to mention how hungry I'll feel afterwards because the previous meal was at 2pm and by the time I get home, it'd be 10pm and thats TOO late to eat, and I DO NOT want to eat at that time. I want to go in the morning, but I'm not sure if I'm a morning person, and I don't like getting outside of the house without make up so whats the point of getting ready with make up on, only to sweat like a pig and having to reapply the second time. It would be convenient and time productive but ... I don't know..
I shouldn't be saying this, but to be honest, I don't really like how I look. I can imagine God shaking His head right now, but I feel ..... I mean I don't feel that beautiful when I don't have make up. I wish I could carry it off without the necessity of make up. I wish I can flaunt it, bare it with nothing on. But I can't. I don't have the courage to do that. I don't feel pretty. But you know what, I feel the most comfortable when make up is off my face - BY MYSELF & NOT FACING THE MIRROR lol.
I'm really hungry. I want to write some more, but I'm really tired. really tired.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The night. Tonight. Hot yoggaaa
2nd October 6:17pm
Thank you Jesus for the day. Thank you for giving me such a good experience at bikram yoga. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I feel much better now and I feel like I will be making even better food choices from now if I continue to do this on a regular basis. I'm glad I wasn't thinking about anything stressful during that time. I mean I couldn't even if I tried because I was concentrated on doing all the poses as best as I could. I really do feel like I'm regaining all of my strength and flexibility back. Today somehow feel so significant. I don't know why but it just does. Feels like it's a start of something new. 2nd october. It really feels special. Hrmmm....
11:49pm
Oh emm gee. I feel so absolutely full. I can't remember the last time I ate this
Much. Well I mean with my old self this wasn't too much. But with the 'me' right now, these food are too much. I can't really stress over it too much. What happened
Has already happened so all I can really do is move on and hopefully change for the better. Learn from
This lesson to not eat too much but listen to my body :)
I love Jesus so much and I'm vey thankful
For this long weekend. I'm not too sure if I'm going to Jerusalum Bay because of a certain someone lol. But yeah, tomorrow will be Sunday and I hope I can go to hot
Yoga again :D and eat right for the rest of the day. I want to make the most out of my day and that's including spending quality time with God :)
I just want to be with him
Always
And forever xx
Thank you Jesus for the day. Thank you for giving me such a good experience at bikram yoga. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I feel much better now and I feel like I will be making even better food choices from now if I continue to do this on a regular basis. I'm glad I wasn't thinking about anything stressful during that time. I mean I couldn't even if I tried because I was concentrated on doing all the poses as best as I could. I really do feel like I'm regaining all of my strength and flexibility back. Today somehow feel so significant. I don't know why but it just does. Feels like it's a start of something new. 2nd october. It really feels special. Hrmmm....
11:49pm
Oh emm gee. I feel so absolutely full. I can't remember the last time I ate this
Much. Well I mean with my old self this wasn't too much. But with the 'me' right now, these food are too much. I can't really stress over it too much. What happened
Has already happened so all I can really do is move on and hopefully change for the better. Learn from
This lesson to not eat too much but listen to my body :)
I love Jesus so much and I'm vey thankful
For this long weekend. I'm not too sure if I'm going to Jerusalum Bay because of a certain someone lol. But yeah, tomorrow will be Sunday and I hope I can go to hot
Yoga again :D and eat right for the rest of the day. I want to make the most out of my day and that's including spending quality time with God :)
I just want to be with him
Always
And forever xx
Down down down
oct 1 - 7:39pm
I wish there was someone that I can talk to right now. I honestly don't feel well at all and I wish I was at church or something. I'm just really sad right now and I don't think telling my friends would help. I know you understand but none other will. There are so many changes I want to make to my life. I'm really not happy with the progress I'm making. I know for a fact that my life can be so much better. There are so many things on my mind right now. I just want to get away to spend time with you in the nature that you've created. God I really need you. I don't know what to do and I don't want to talk to anyone about it :( I'm in such despair right now. I just want to cry. No one will understand. I don't want to go home either. I just want to be free. I just want to rest in your spirit. Please allow me to make the most out of my time during this long weekend. Please. Please. My heart needs you.
I wish there was someone that I can talk to right now. I honestly don't feel well at all and I wish I was at church or something. I'm just really sad right now and I don't think telling my friends would help. I know you understand but none other will. There are so many changes I want to make to my life. I'm really not happy with the progress I'm making. I know for a fact that my life can be so much better. There are so many things on my mind right now. I just want to get away to spend time with you in the nature that you've created. God I really need you. I don't know what to do and I don't want to talk to anyone about it :( I'm in such despair right now. I just want to cry. No one will understand. I don't want to go home either. I just want to be free. I just want to rest in your spirit. Please allow me to make the most out of my time during this long weekend. Please. Please. My heart needs you.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Long time no talk..
I seriously hate how I look.
I hate how I feel.
And maybe cutting my hair short is the symptom of my decrease self confidence.
I honestly hate how things are at the moment
I find it hard to think of anything good and that's a really bad thing.
I'm so tired and drained off energy.
I need a retreat. I need God's power. I need to get away to where the presence of God is because it is there that I will renew my spirit and myself.
I hate how I look so bad. I know I should love myself but this isn't how God intended for me to look like. I know that.
I'm sick of feeling sick and tired.
The blocked nose is annoying. Vardering progress isn't too great :(
It makes me really sad and I really don't know how God would use this in His plan.
I just want to cry. My eyes are giving up on me. They need sleep. They need rest. My mind and spirit feels robbed.
I know all the right thing, but is finding it hard to believe it or convince myself so.
i don't want to think too much about tomorrow but I just can't help feeling sad and despair about how I am going with all the assessments.
God chose me to do this. God hand picked me and gave me this opportunity....so that in failure I may become something??? I don't know. I really don't know. But all I know is that His ways are not my ways.
God Im so in need of you. I HONESTLY REALLY WANT YOU RIGHT NOW!!!
HOW LONG LEFT. HOW LONG??
my partner
my job
my career
my TESTS. when will i passsss??????????????????????????
my heart is in so much pain
my BODY is screaming out for health!!!!!!!!
and WHY IS IT that I eat healthy all day and as soon as I come home, I eat like a pig!!!!
I hate how I look. I hate how I can't even stick to achieving my goals. I don't even remember ANY TIME that I have actually done what I've set out to do in regards to health and fitness.
I hate my broad shoulder and chubby arms. My rounded face look fat and swollen. I'm sick of this hair. I want to chop it all off. I want a vacation, a holiday.
I want to get that hype and spirit back again so I can start to read some more.
And why did you make me with no eyelashes God? I hate how my eyes are!!!! :(
When will I love myself, truly, truly truly......
Why am I full of imperfections....
I hate how I feel.
And maybe cutting my hair short is the symptom of my decrease self confidence.
I honestly hate how things are at the moment
I find it hard to think of anything good and that's a really bad thing.
I'm so tired and drained off energy.
I need a retreat. I need God's power. I need to get away to where the presence of God is because it is there that I will renew my spirit and myself.
I hate how I look so bad. I know I should love myself but this isn't how God intended for me to look like. I know that.
I'm sick of feeling sick and tired.
The blocked nose is annoying. Vardering progress isn't too great :(
It makes me really sad and I really don't know how God would use this in His plan.
I just want to cry. My eyes are giving up on me. They need sleep. They need rest. My mind and spirit feels robbed.
I know all the right thing, but is finding it hard to believe it or convince myself so.
i don't want to think too much about tomorrow but I just can't help feeling sad and despair about how I am going with all the assessments.
God chose me to do this. God hand picked me and gave me this opportunity....so that in failure I may become something??? I don't know. I really don't know. But all I know is that His ways are not my ways.
God Im so in need of you. I HONESTLY REALLY WANT YOU RIGHT NOW!!!
HOW LONG LEFT. HOW LONG??
my partner
my job
my career
my TESTS. when will i passsss??????????????????????????
my heart is in so much pain
my BODY is screaming out for health!!!!!!!!
and WHY IS IT that I eat healthy all day and as soon as I come home, I eat like a pig!!!!
I hate how I look. I hate how I can't even stick to achieving my goals. I don't even remember ANY TIME that I have actually done what I've set out to do in regards to health and fitness.
I hate my broad shoulder and chubby arms. My rounded face look fat and swollen. I'm sick of this hair. I want to chop it all off. I want a vacation, a holiday.
I want to get that hype and spirit back again so I can start to read some more.
And why did you make me with no eyelashes God? I hate how my eyes are!!!! :(
When will I love myself, truly, truly truly......
Why am I full of imperfections....
Sunday, September 26, 2010
my week...
Tuesday_ Joyful?
Wednesday_ Really sad?
Thursday_ Dont know really.
Friday_I guess, alright.
Now I have to definitely stay back for 2 extra weeks for Vardering. But it's okay and I see it as an opportunity to sharpen my skill and gain more experience. All to God's glory that I'm starting to see things in a positive light.
Didn't have much of a productive day today but I did manage to come to church and got home at around 12:30am because Xw and I needed to have a chat. And I'm glad we did because I was able to give her Godly advice.
Right now, I'm having a really bad stomach pain. That just reminded me that I haven't had my period for almost a year now. I'm a little worried.
I also have to call up AAMI tomorrow to give them the smash repairers phone number and book and appointment date.
I also NEED to plan out my next week:
* food
* exercise
* meet-ups
* study for test on MONDAY
* review my goals!!
* buy new pair of scissors MONDAY morning.
Okay... well that's it for now.
I haven't been writing up here because my laptop is having some difficult charging and it's a hassle typing it on the iphone.
Anyways, I just hope God would allow me to do everything I need to get done tomorrow.
:( My stomach hurts...
Wednesday_ Really sad?
Thursday_ Dont know really.
Friday_I guess, alright.
Now I have to definitely stay back for 2 extra weeks for Vardering. But it's okay and I see it as an opportunity to sharpen my skill and gain more experience. All to God's glory that I'm starting to see things in a positive light.
Didn't have much of a productive day today but I did manage to come to church and got home at around 12:30am because Xw and I needed to have a chat. And I'm glad we did because I was able to give her Godly advice.
Right now, I'm having a really bad stomach pain. That just reminded me that I haven't had my period for almost a year now. I'm a little worried.
I also have to call up AAMI tomorrow to give them the smash repairers phone number and book and appointment date.
I also NEED to plan out my next week:
* food
* exercise
* meet-ups
* study for test on MONDAY
* review my goals!!
* buy new pair of scissors MONDAY morning.
Okay... well that's it for now.
I haven't been writing up here because my laptop is having some difficult charging and it's a hassle typing it on the iphone.
Anyways, I just hope God would allow me to do everything I need to get done tomorrow.
:( My stomach hurts...
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
:) It can only be from God...
Today has been a really great day.
Even though things weren't going as well, but I had so much joy inside of me that no matter what was happening around me, I was still able to keep a positive mindset :)
It took me a while to find the bus and stuff to get to Pyrmont but I got there eventually. It was SOOOOO RELAXING just walking around in the morning, chilling, having a cup of soy latte, sitting outdoor and writing out my goals. I love walking seriously. I love seeing and watching people and the things God made.
And Oh my Lord, how I loooooooovvvveeeeeeeeeee every lunch hour I get to spend at that Paddington Reserve. It's so relaxing and the weather has always been so beautiful. It's like my time with God. It's so wonderful!!
I thought I did terrible with the two haircuts today but surprisingly I passed on the vertical layer. I seriously don't know HOW and WHY I deserve to pass. The transient length was horrible. Full stop. haha.
I just found out that I will be working at World Square on 26th October :) TUessdayyy. LOL I can't believe I got it. I'm so happy to be working there. I've always wanted to be based in that salon and it's amazing how God made it possible for me even though they didn't need me when I applied initially.
Well everything is under God's control. It's not my timing but his timing. God is great. He is great and truly a blessing to me. I love him and thank him for everyday. I thank him for all the blessings that He will pour out onto me especially in regards to my love life.
Okay I'm like extremeeeeeelllyyy SLEEPY right now. xx night night Jesus
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sadness.....
:(
I'm so sad right now.....
I can't think straight. Too many things I need to do and take care of. I don't know anymore. I really don't. I just want to relax and get away from everything. I want to be with God and not have to worry about anything. But I can't. Life isn't that easy. Life has it's ups and downs and constant troubles. I need to attach myself as close to God as possible. Only in him will I find peace. Only in magnifying him will my worries and troubles lessen and diminish. I'm going to answer a few questions that I've set out and this will direct my actions from now onwards.
1. What are some of the things causes me worries and stress at the moment?
• My family situation: mum and dad
• My little sister: talking rudely and not having respect for me
• My cousin Kevin who was admitted to hospital
• My look
• scissors that needs sharpening
• Hairdressing portfolio
2. Which of these things are within my control and which of these are NOT. What can I do about those things that us under my control? And how can I minimize the worries and stress of the ones that are not?
• My family is out of my control. I can not do anything about it besides praying. I shoul not put unnecessary responsibility on my shoulder such as taking care of mum or little sis because even though it is important, it is not that big of a deal. I should live my life to the fullest by doing what I enjoy most and trust in God to solve the problems around me. The outcome will be based upon my attitude and level of positivity. And that will also determine the level of contentment of the final results.
• My sister's attitude is out of my control. All I can do is do what God would do: persistence, encouragement, love and kind words. I should remember to do this no matter how bad she is acting.
• The way I look is IN my control. I can determine the way I look by eating cleanly and perform regular physical exercise activities. I should write out a goal and step by step actions to achieve what I want. I also need to establish the reasons I want to do this so thar when I am side-tracked I can have a good enough reason to push me forward.
• Kevin : he is not in my control and only Gid is able to bring healings. I need to stay faithful and keep on praying!!!
• Portfolio: I DO have the control to finish this off. It's due this coming week and I need to get it done asap. I should be looking over everything tonight and plan out what else I need to gather the information for. Start do what's important and not waste my time ib stupid, time-wasting activities eg,Facebook, YouTube.
• My scissors: I forgot this at Pasdington so I don't know how it shall be done. Unless I come at 9 then go to Pyrmont to sharpen the scissors. I should get back before the 2nd appointment.
•
I'm so sad right now.....
I can't think straight. Too many things I need to do and take care of. I don't know anymore. I really don't. I just want to relax and get away from everything. I want to be with God and not have to worry about anything. But I can't. Life isn't that easy. Life has it's ups and downs and constant troubles. I need to attach myself as close to God as possible. Only in him will I find peace. Only in magnifying him will my worries and troubles lessen and diminish. I'm going to answer a few questions that I've set out and this will direct my actions from now onwards.
1. What are some of the things causes me worries and stress at the moment?
• My family situation: mum and dad
• My little sister: talking rudely and not having respect for me
• My cousin Kevin who was admitted to hospital
• My look
• scissors that needs sharpening
• Hairdressing portfolio
2. Which of these things are within my control and which of these are NOT. What can I do about those things that us under my control? And how can I minimize the worries and stress of the ones that are not?
• My family is out of my control. I can not do anything about it besides praying. I shoul not put unnecessary responsibility on my shoulder such as taking care of mum or little sis because even though it is important, it is not that big of a deal. I should live my life to the fullest by doing what I enjoy most and trust in God to solve the problems around me. The outcome will be based upon my attitude and level of positivity. And that will also determine the level of contentment of the final results.
• My sister's attitude is out of my control. All I can do is do what God would do: persistence, encouragement, love and kind words. I should remember to do this no matter how bad she is acting.
• The way I look is IN my control. I can determine the way I look by eating cleanly and perform regular physical exercise activities. I should write out a goal and step by step actions to achieve what I want. I also need to establish the reasons I want to do this so thar when I am side-tracked I can have a good enough reason to push me forward.
• Kevin : he is not in my control and only Gid is able to bring healings. I need to stay faithful and keep on praying!!!
• Portfolio: I DO have the control to finish this off. It's due this coming week and I need to get it done asap. I should be looking over everything tonight and plan out what else I need to gather the information for. Start do what's important and not waste my time ib stupid, time-wasting activities eg,Facebook, YouTube.
• My scissors: I forgot this at Pasdington so I don't know how it shall be done. Unless I come at 9 then go to Pyrmont to sharpen the scissors. I should get back before the 2nd appointment.
•
The devil is attacking me
I don't understand. And I shouldn't be anyway right?
I'm just hurt... again. Life is so hard to live. My life can literally be graphed on an exponential graph to demonstrate how extreme things have gotten lately. It seems as though every time God blesses me with something. The Devil comes in and bring my spirit down by destroying things around me. Just now, I got attitude from my sister. It hurts me so much. I don't want to scream or hit her and it hurts to see her yelling, not listening, walking away while I'm talking or mumbling under her breath, or worst of all, walk away and say "far out, how annoying" and I know it's towards me whether or not she admits it. Yesterday morning, I found out that my sister is pregnant, that was one good news. Then came a terrible incident. Kevin, my 10 month old cousin got burnt and was admitted to Westmead Children's Hospital. It's so heart breaking to see his face , arm and neck like that. I wanted to cry. Looking at his innocent eyes, he doesn't know anything and still is a cute little baby. They gave him anesthetics so he couldn't feel the pain. It's so horrible and I've decided to fast and pray for him today. It's so hard.
Similar to the other times when I got offered to recreate one of my look from graduation by Dennis. That was a great news, following that was how my entry didn't arrive for Wella Trend Vision which broke my heart. Then when I got the scholarship for Vardering, my family started having problems, major ones and my parents got a divorce which mentally affected so much with my progress. I forgot my scissors at Paddington so I don't know how I'm going to get it sharpened in the morning. I need to put some money in the bank which I did (from mum's account) but it takes around 2 days to process. I need to use that money to buy a new scissors. I really need it asap because it's been putting me down so much.
My heart just really hurt right now. Yes I need to get away, I need to get outside. I'm thinking if I should go to the 12pm service. Maybe I should so at least I can go outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to clean my clothes on the bed as well and just organise my room a bit better. I'm feeling really hungry right now but I'm not going to eat. I was sleeping and even during my state of subconsciousness, whenever hunger pops in my mind, I think about Kevin and asked God to protect and be with Him. Today feels like a mourning period. I need to see Judith, the pastor. I think she's pastor Brian's sister. I don't know, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Where do I start honestly. My life can go on and on and on. I'm just so stressed, so hurt, I just want to cry. My face feels so stretched and uncomfortable, my lips feel dry, my throat feels dehydrated. my mind is like compressed. On top of that, I don't even know what to do with the Portfolio that's due this week. And I'm terribly unhappy with how I look. I just want to lock myself up in a cell.
It's been so hard for me, and I know I should not allow the circumstances to judge my faith. My heart hurts so much. I just want to cry :( I just want to get away!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to get awayyyyyy LORDD!!!!!!! AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
I don't want to talk to anyone
I don't want to see anyone
I just want to be by myself
I hate how I look
and yet, I don't even do anything about it?
I'm so terrible
I'm just hurt... again. Life is so hard to live. My life can literally be graphed on an exponential graph to demonstrate how extreme things have gotten lately. It seems as though every time God blesses me with something. The Devil comes in and bring my spirit down by destroying things around me. Just now, I got attitude from my sister. It hurts me so much. I don't want to scream or hit her and it hurts to see her yelling, not listening, walking away while I'm talking or mumbling under her breath, or worst of all, walk away and say "far out, how annoying" and I know it's towards me whether or not she admits it. Yesterday morning, I found out that my sister is pregnant, that was one good news. Then came a terrible incident. Kevin, my 10 month old cousin got burnt and was admitted to Westmead Children's Hospital. It's so heart breaking to see his face , arm and neck like that. I wanted to cry. Looking at his innocent eyes, he doesn't know anything and still is a cute little baby. They gave him anesthetics so he couldn't feel the pain. It's so horrible and I've decided to fast and pray for him today. It's so hard.
Similar to the other times when I got offered to recreate one of my look from graduation by Dennis. That was a great news, following that was how my entry didn't arrive for Wella Trend Vision which broke my heart. Then when I got the scholarship for Vardering, my family started having problems, major ones and my parents got a divorce which mentally affected so much with my progress. I forgot my scissors at Paddington so I don't know how I'm going to get it sharpened in the morning. I need to put some money in the bank which I did (from mum's account) but it takes around 2 days to process. I need to use that money to buy a new scissors. I really need it asap because it's been putting me down so much.
My heart just really hurt right now. Yes I need to get away, I need to get outside. I'm thinking if I should go to the 12pm service. Maybe I should so at least I can go outside and enjoy the sunshine. I need to clean my clothes on the bed as well and just organise my room a bit better. I'm feeling really hungry right now but I'm not going to eat. I was sleeping and even during my state of subconsciousness, whenever hunger pops in my mind, I think about Kevin and asked God to protect and be with Him. Today feels like a mourning period. I need to see Judith, the pastor. I think she's pastor Brian's sister. I don't know, but I don't really feel like talking to anyone at the moment. Where do I start honestly. My life can go on and on and on. I'm just so stressed, so hurt, I just want to cry. My face feels so stretched and uncomfortable, my lips feel dry, my throat feels dehydrated. my mind is like compressed. On top of that, I don't even know what to do with the Portfolio that's due this week. And I'm terribly unhappy with how I look. I just want to lock myself up in a cell.
It's been so hard for me, and I know I should not allow the circumstances to judge my faith. My heart hurts so much. I just want to cry :( I just want to get away!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to get awayyyyyy LORDD!!!!!!! AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
AWAYYYYY
I don't want to talk to anyone
I don't want to see anyone
I just want to be by myself
I hate how I look
and yet, I don't even do anything about it?
I'm so terrible
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saturday...It's the weekend
Soooo...
Well the past few weeks hasn't been easy for me but by the grace of God He had blessed me tremendously. It's been a tough road with Vardering but I'm not asking it to be removed. I actually like it how they're very hard on me. I believe the more pressure and expectation they have of me, the better I will become. I love Jesus so much and I know that His plan is greater than mine. There's no one else who knows my future better than He can, not even myself. I trust in Him and have faith in His power. I believe that as long as I'm faithful and obedient, He will surely rescue. Last week on sunday when we were giving out Tithes and Offerings, I actually gave away everything I've got, all the cash (notes + coins) I had on me and all of the money I had in the bank. I just didn't care anymore. I wanted to show God that money really means nothing to me and He is all that I need. I didn't expect blessings to come straight away but I know down the road, it will be rewarded. Thursday night (2 nights ago) was really awesome. For some reason, even though my Vardering day wasn't that great but I thoroughly enjoyed doing people's hair. I also had a personal talk with Belle which was one of the new girl and I don't know why but it made me feel so much better. She felt sorry for my situation but I've realised that if they didn't see the potential in me, they wouldn't go hard on me. It's similar to my little sister, if I hadn't seen that she is capable, I wouldn't constantly telling her to clean and be strict on her. I only was strict because I knew she could do it. It made so much sense. On the way home on the bus, I just didn't feel like going home and I was in a very peaceful and joyful mood. I decided to walk around the city and just enjoy God's presence along with His songs on my Ipod. I loved it. It was so wonderful. I loved seeing how beautiful the world is at night. The wonderful breeze.. ahhhhh that felt so good. It was cold so I went to buy a scarf. Sitting by Darling Harbour was .... indescribable. The water looked amazing, the tall buildings, lights, movements were all around me. Yet I felt so at peace despite the slight chaos. Everything looked so big yet so small? I mean, I'm apart of this whole world, but God is the maker of the whole entire spectrum of the universe which is infinite. He is so big. As I looked up, I could only see one star. It was very vivid and bright. It reminded me again of how small I am and how big God is. That star is even bigger than the sun, but it's so far away that we only see it as a little sparkly dot.
Lately I've been missing "that" person in my life. Missing that company. I'm awaiting for Him to come. I know it's not my timing but His. God is preparing us both right at this moment. Nonetheless, that makes me love God even more. As I yearn for that comfort and connection with a special someone, I look to God and thank him for creating me and allowing me to have a relationship with Him. If he was the maker of such feelings, and he LOVES me, how much greater is THAT love compare to humanly love? None can compare.
Oh another thing. Well yesterday I passed my "graduated bob" hair cut on first attempt. I was pretty happy because that proved to them that at least I didn't have to do a hair cut a billion time before passing.
I need to send in that $13 toll fee thing through the post. Hopefully I remember to do so.
I also have a $200 fine for not carrying a concession card with me, but honestly I never got it from TAFE. But oh well, I'll pay for it when I have the money. I have absolutely nothing right now. I'm not even sure where I will get the money for sharpening the scissors. Oh that just reminded me that I FORGOT MY SCISSORS AT PADDINGTON. :( I'm so lazzzyyyyy to go, unless I just buy a new scissors but I don't even have the money and I don't want to ask mum.
hrm.. what else. Yes, I need to call up AAMI and ask how that claim is progressing. So gay, TOO MANY STUPID THINGS TO DO!!!
And what I'm unhappiest about is my eating and exercise habit. I'll stop right there. It makes me cry :(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
Well the past few weeks hasn't been easy for me but by the grace of God He had blessed me tremendously. It's been a tough road with Vardering but I'm not asking it to be removed. I actually like it how they're very hard on me. I believe the more pressure and expectation they have of me, the better I will become. I love Jesus so much and I know that His plan is greater than mine. There's no one else who knows my future better than He can, not even myself. I trust in Him and have faith in His power. I believe that as long as I'm faithful and obedient, He will surely rescue. Last week on sunday when we were giving out Tithes and Offerings, I actually gave away everything I've got, all the cash (notes + coins) I had on me and all of the money I had in the bank. I just didn't care anymore. I wanted to show God that money really means nothing to me and He is all that I need. I didn't expect blessings to come straight away but I know down the road, it will be rewarded. Thursday night (2 nights ago) was really awesome. For some reason, even though my Vardering day wasn't that great but I thoroughly enjoyed doing people's hair. I also had a personal talk with Belle which was one of the new girl and I don't know why but it made me feel so much better. She felt sorry for my situation but I've realised that if they didn't see the potential in me, they wouldn't go hard on me. It's similar to my little sister, if I hadn't seen that she is capable, I wouldn't constantly telling her to clean and be strict on her. I only was strict because I knew she could do it. It made so much sense. On the way home on the bus, I just didn't feel like going home and I was in a very peaceful and joyful mood. I decided to walk around the city and just enjoy God's presence along with His songs on my Ipod. I loved it. It was so wonderful. I loved seeing how beautiful the world is at night. The wonderful breeze.. ahhhhh that felt so good. It was cold so I went to buy a scarf. Sitting by Darling Harbour was .... indescribable. The water looked amazing, the tall buildings, lights, movements were all around me. Yet I felt so at peace despite the slight chaos. Everything looked so big yet so small? I mean, I'm apart of this whole world, but God is the maker of the whole entire spectrum of the universe which is infinite. He is so big. As I looked up, I could only see one star. It was very vivid and bright. It reminded me again of how small I am and how big God is. That star is even bigger than the sun, but it's so far away that we only see it as a little sparkly dot.
Lately I've been missing "that" person in my life. Missing that company. I'm awaiting for Him to come. I know it's not my timing but His. God is preparing us both right at this moment. Nonetheless, that makes me love God even more. As I yearn for that comfort and connection with a special someone, I look to God and thank him for creating me and allowing me to have a relationship with Him. If he was the maker of such feelings, and he LOVES me, how much greater is THAT love compare to humanly love? None can compare.
Oh another thing. Well yesterday I passed my "graduated bob" hair cut on first attempt. I was pretty happy because that proved to them that at least I didn't have to do a hair cut a billion time before passing.
I need to send in that $13 toll fee thing through the post. Hopefully I remember to do so.
I also have a $200 fine for not carrying a concession card with me, but honestly I never got it from TAFE. But oh well, I'll pay for it when I have the money. I have absolutely nothing right now. I'm not even sure where I will get the money for sharpening the scissors. Oh that just reminded me that I FORGOT MY SCISSORS AT PADDINGTON. :( I'm so lazzzyyyyy to go, unless I just buy a new scissors but I don't even have the money and I don't want to ask mum.
hrm.. what else. Yes, I need to call up AAMI and ask how that claim is progressing. So gay, TOO MANY STUPID THINGS TO DO!!!
And what I'm unhappiest about is my eating and exercise habit. I'll stop right there. It makes me cry :(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
September 15th 2009 - A YEAR AGO
I say this because most of our troubles lie not in how we conceive our circumstances but in how we conceive God. If we are confused in our conception of God our perception of our circumstances will be warped. If our circumstances dictate our understanding of God, He will be nothing more than a shifting shadow. And this is not our God. Rather, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17).
Does He care? The answer to this basic question is the foundation of all hope, all praise, and all thanksgiving. If He does not care then it seems utterly ridiculous for those who suffer to obey when Paul writes, “… give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1Th. 5:18).
What I love and what brings me peace during this time of loneliness and longing is the intensity with which Paul communicates this simple truth about our God. He does not code his message nor does he allow the myriad possible circumstances to mitigate his message. Whatever else may be going on, the one constant is a God who is able to calm the storm. It is not the waves but we who have trouble hearing when He whispers, “Peace! Be still” (Mk. 4:39)! The water is calm, but our hearts are still troubled.
What we need most to trust is the “kind intention of His will.”
What we need most to know is that He cares.
What we need most to know is that He gives freely!
What we need most to know is that He gives lavishly!
Then, having considered God we can consider our circumstances and give thanks not FOR our circumstances but IN our circumstances. We are not left as orphans (Jn. 14:18). The circumstances do not define God, do not define our lives, nor should they limit our praise. Give thanks always, because even the air we breathe has been lavished upon us.
Pasted from <http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11600374/page0/>
11:51 PM
" Time does not lessen truth, but it does weaken confidence and cloud reason. The truth is, where we see no reward—we see failure. My expectations have led me here, and over time they have challenged me. Since things are not going my way, I want time to stop or the waiting to end. However I have not come this far and waited this long only to stop short or give up. "
STORM OF LIFE
What about you? Is there stormy weather in your life right now? Where are you finding shelter from the storms?
My friends and family have been a shelter for me this year, just like my family was last night as we all huddled together in bed. They've encouraged and supported me. And most importantly, they've pointed me to the strongest shelter from the storms, my Heavenly Father.
As I've turned to Scripture this week, I'm amazed at the number of times it reminds us God is our shelter. God knows that we will encounter hard times and His Word reminds us that the strongest and safest shelter is God Himself.
As always we have a choice: get drenched in the rain or seek shelter. You see, the storms of life can cause us to run toward God, but just as easily they can cause us to turn away. A whole range of emotions can leave us standing in the rain to get drenched: bitterness, anger, confusion, helplessness, or hopelessness. If you can relate to these emotions, you might feel badly for having these emotions, but don't let these feelings keep you from God.
Life is the first gift, love is the second. Absence sharpens love whilst presence strengthens it.
The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for.
Patience with others is love, patience with self is hope, patience with God is faith.
Love knows no reasons
Love knows no lies
Love defies all reasons
Love has no eyes
But love is not blindLove sees but doesn't mind
Notes for today....Morning then arvo
9:42am
I love you so much god!! I'm so grateful for everything that's in my life!!! Thank you for reminding to count the blessings instead of the failures. I finally realize how much things I don't think of or even take for granted!! I'm so grateful for my mum and sisters, for the amazing opportunity to come to church, to be a part of god's kingdom and making a difference in this world. I'm glad to be called a child of God and in you I know that I am complete. I thank you for the awesome people from my connect group and the support they are able to provide for me in the name of God. I'm grateful for another new day knowing that there is still so much to learn and will benefit me greatly. I thank you for this vardering course and the blessings you are going to pour over me after completion. I thank you for showing me that there is "someone" out there who possesses the characteristics that I'd like I'm a guy. I'm so blessed and it is all because of you Jesus!!! Today will be a great day. Daniel will be happy. I will be positive. I will get my portfolio done soon. I will pass ALL of the haircuts :) oh I can't wait. I want to prove to them that I am capable!!! I know I am and God knows that I am otherwise he wouldn't have placed me in this blessing. I thank you Lord God. I love you!!!
-----------
5:41pm
For some reasons I feel a little down right now. Firstly it's how I look and secondly it's how people perceive me. O mean the second is not that important because I know for a fact that I will achieve what I want through the power of God. I don't have to put my trust in anyone except for the one who made me and know exactly what my future looks like. I'm also glad that "that" feeling is going away slowly. I just don't think it's appropriate to feel what I felt before. Seriously I think I let my thoughts control my feelings too much. I shouldn't do that. Right now I'm just sad and depressed because I really hate how I look right now. I just want to get home asap so no one can look at me. That's how paranoid I am right now. I can't help but feel really disappointed of myself for letting me go like this. I've tried to set out goals but has NEVER been able to fully pursue that till the end. And when i don't see the results I just give up and start eating the wrong food again. Applied knowledge is power not just merely knowledge itself. I'm just unhappy with myself for not applying what I know but ignore it. What's the point of obtaining more knowledge when I don't even do it. God I hate that about me. I could never stay on track. I just want to be different now. I need to. I hate my face soooooooo much. It's getting so round and fat. I feel like my face has swelled. I feel sluggish. I need to find motivation to start once again. I need to. I have to. I have to look different. I want to feel different. I think I need to come home and really elaborate on the goals I have. I'm so lazy though. I ate too much bread today I think because my stomach doesn't feel too well and it feels bloated. I hate how I look. I hate it. I absolutely hateeeeee it :(
I love you so much god!! I'm so grateful for everything that's in my life!!! Thank you for reminding to count the blessings instead of the failures. I finally realize how much things I don't think of or even take for granted!! I'm so grateful for my mum and sisters, for the amazing opportunity to come to church, to be a part of god's kingdom and making a difference in this world. I'm glad to be called a child of God and in you I know that I am complete. I thank you for the awesome people from my connect group and the support they are able to provide for me in the name of God. I'm grateful for another new day knowing that there is still so much to learn and will benefit me greatly. I thank you for this vardering course and the blessings you are going to pour over me after completion. I thank you for showing me that there is "someone" out there who possesses the characteristics that I'd like I'm a guy. I'm so blessed and it is all because of you Jesus!!! Today will be a great day. Daniel will be happy. I will be positive. I will get my portfolio done soon. I will pass ALL of the haircuts :) oh I can't wait. I want to prove to them that I am capable!!! I know I am and God knows that I am otherwise he wouldn't have placed me in this blessing. I thank you Lord God. I love you!!!
-----------
5:41pm
For some reasons I feel a little down right now. Firstly it's how I look and secondly it's how people perceive me. O mean the second is not that important because I know for a fact that I will achieve what I want through the power of God. I don't have to put my trust in anyone except for the one who made me and know exactly what my future looks like. I'm also glad that "that" feeling is going away slowly. I just don't think it's appropriate to feel what I felt before. Seriously I think I let my thoughts control my feelings too much. I shouldn't do that. Right now I'm just sad and depressed because I really hate how I look right now. I just want to get home asap so no one can look at me. That's how paranoid I am right now. I can't help but feel really disappointed of myself for letting me go like this. I've tried to set out goals but has NEVER been able to fully pursue that till the end. And when i don't see the results I just give up and start eating the wrong food again. Applied knowledge is power not just merely knowledge itself. I'm just unhappy with myself for not applying what I know but ignore it. What's the point of obtaining more knowledge when I don't even do it. God I hate that about me. I could never stay on track. I just want to be different now. I need to. I hate my face soooooooo much. It's getting so round and fat. I feel like my face has swelled. I feel sluggish. I need to find motivation to start once again. I need to. I have to. I have to look different. I want to feel different. I think I need to come home and really elaborate on the goals I have. I'm so lazy though. I ate too much bread today I think because my stomach doesn't feel too well and it feels bloated. I hate how I look. I hate it. I absolutely hateeeeee it :(
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Previous notes: September 10th @ 6:55pm
Tell me why this is happening. Tell me why I've failed once again. Tell me why you didn't do anything when I had so much faith. I believed that it would be a great rest of the day yet 2 of my models didn't turn up and in top of that I've done 12 transient cuts! Are you forsaking me? Are you punishing me?we What did I do for you to not have your mercy upon me lord? I was aiming to pass at least 2 hair cuts but I passed none. Did you hear my cries? Did you hear me begging you? I know everything is done according to your will and not mine and I shoulnt have to understand everything but I still feel like the devil is attacking me or that you're punishing me. I don't know how I would go on. Am u overly confident? Am I not taking things slow? Am I not getting enough feedbacks? they're all wrong but I mean that's how they perceive me? As someone who thinks she knows everything? Well I don't and how can I not make them think that? He said I shoul relax? Take smaller sections. Okay I've been doing that. James told me. And I've been relaxing. The other girls both passed today but me. It's been 4 weeks. I just want to die and get away from everything. I don't know how much faith I will have anymore. Tomorrow is the interview and at this rate things are looking pretty bad. I just want to block everyone out and be by myself. Worrying is not going change the outcome and being happy is not going to change it either. It's the skill not a mental problem. Could it be that my family is affecting me? Have Angie even read the email? I'm so depressed and sad and is in great despair. My god my god why have you forsake me??
Previous notes: September 9th @ 7pm
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand why I haven't been passing. I feel likes god is punishing me or something. I feel cursed. I feel like the devil is attacking me. I personally feel like I'm doing really well but technically I haven't. I make clients happy. I sell treatments and products but it's not like they notice it. I feel like there's barely anything good to say about me when they comment in the book. It's always criticisms. I mean they're good feedbacks but I'd appreciate it I'd they actually write down something nice of what I did RIGHT. Since we have 3 teachers it's hard to believe that j actually did a good job just by reading the comments. I'm just worried but I know worrying is not going to change the outcome. I'm trying so hard to do what is right and pleasing to god but I feel like he is forsaking me. I'm so scared of making Dennis and Angie disappointed. I'm really sad honestly. After each day that I once again fail in my assessment us another night of sorrow and sadness. I don't feel god helping me. I feel he's watching over me but not doing anything to help. I'm just sad that's all. I mean WHY can't I pass? I've tried all that I could. I have 2 weeks left and I only pass 1 assessment :( extremely sad. I don't know what to do. I know there are things that's within my control but there are things that's not. I've tried my best with what I've been given what else does god want from me?? What else do you want from me Jesus? I've done what I could but I don't feel your blessing over this Vardering course. Thank you for the magazine submission but I'm not that thrilled because i know there are way better things ahead of me!! What do I have to do to pass? To do it within 6 weeks. Can I really pass all of the other haircuts in less than 2 weeks????? Can I really?? You say to have faith but I've been placing so much faith into passing the haircuts but I haven't even passed. Day in day out. I just don't see it happen realistically. What must I do Jesus?
Where are you??
Where are you??
.....Jesus?
Truth be told, when God’s grace is on something…it is what it is. You can plan, calculate, do demographic studies, promote, advertise and all those things can be HUGELY important…but when it’s all said and done? - Only by the grace of God does anything truly flourish.
Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear.
Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I honestly despise my dad
Sick of life's troubles. Why does the worst have to come when the best just arrived?
And well, I made it in INSTYLE magazine
The down side is, my father is someone who I never want to call a dad, I never look up to him, but I still treat him like he's my dad even though there is absolutely no appreciation
And well, I made it in INSTYLE magazine
The down side is, my father is someone who I never want to call a dad, I never look up to him, but I still treat him like he's my dad even though there is absolutely no appreciation
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
feels like giving up
sadness
there's not much else but sadness & disappointment
fasting
faith
prayer
and I still fail....
my dad is getting worse
laptop charger is broken. I can not edit my resume or download the photos for portfolio.
interview @ world square this sat. how will I go ?
how will tomorrow turn out like
will I fail again ?
I want to give up .....
but I won't
there's not much else but sadness & disappointment
fasting
faith
prayer
and I still fail....
my dad is getting worse
laptop charger is broken. I can not edit my resume or download the photos for portfolio.
interview @ world square this sat. how will I go ?
how will tomorrow turn out like
will I fail again ?
I want to give up .....
but I won't
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Beautiful Sunday
I really don't understand why but I feel really fresh and good this morning. I mean the moment I wake up I feel like today is going to be a great day. I feel
Quite joyful and positive which is different to how u usually feel. As I was looking back to the previous entries I find the sAme pattern. I tend to feel amazingly good on Sunday no matter how bad my week was. I actually feel like working out today and can't wait. To go outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and being at church. I love Jesus so much and wish him a lovely father!s day with lots of prayers and worship going to his name and the person he is. God is so amazing!!!
Quite joyful and positive which is different to how u usually feel. As I was looking back to the previous entries I find the sAme pattern. I tend to feel amazingly good on Sunday no matter how bad my week was. I actually feel like working out today and can't wait. To go outside to enjoy the beautiful sunshine and being at church. I love Jesus so much and wish him a lovely father!s day with lots of prayers and worship going to his name and the person he is. God is so amazing!!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
:(
So it's Friday now. I'm so tired.
It's been .. 5 days since I started fasting, beginning from Monday. I need God to speak to me so bad. I need him more than ever before. I've been feeling so exhausted every night after work. I love what I do, but as soon as I get home, I'm a totally dead person. I have no interest in talking to anybody.
So update. I've got my Iphone 4 but surprisingly I'm not THAT excited. I feel normal. I'm thankful that it arrived so soon, but I just I didn't feel as though this was like "woahhh". I mean I love it and it's very useful. Just have to make sure I have enough money to pay for it monthly.
Next. Interview at World Square next Saturday at 6pm. I'm glad that they're interested in me now.
3rdly. I'm utterly disappointed. So sad, so ... I don't know how I feel really. I had so much faith and cofidence that "THAT" Transient Cut would turn out right, but it unfortunately didn't. I don't want this to be the same case as my natural inversion where I did a total of TEN haircuts. That is just way too much for a "pass". I don't know why God allowed that to happen, especially when my main plea for this fast was to anoint me with the ability to perform extremely well. Now I found out that I would possibly need an extra 2 weeks. I'm really sad. The day ended quite well, especially when I know that I've made people happy. I feel so happy as well, knowing that I was able to put a smile on their faces as well as confidence. My textured crop and vertical layers were great I think. But I'm just pleading to God that He can bless me through all of this. I need to pass all the haircuts WITHIN the 6 weeks AND DO EXTREMELY MAGNIFICENTLY WELL!! I have to make Dennis, Graham and Angie proud of me and I want all the teachers to know that I AM GIFTED, I AM CAPABLE AND I WILL BE GREAT! It's not a possibility or a probability but a definite!
I want to do well so bad, I was and still am desperate. That's why as soon as I finished that haircut, I said to myself that I will not eat anything for the rest of the day just to prove to God how bad I want this. I was extremely tired and hungry. Well just now, I had a madarin and a mango. I need energy and I know I can get it from him, but I'm just really drained right now. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm really tempted to eat as well but I listened to my body, and it says that it's already full.
Tomorrow, I want to get a lot of things done. First of all, I definitely need to get my scissors sharpen. I must do that in order to do WELL in Vardering. I can't risk it anymore. I'm so sad. I really don't understand WHY God allowed that to happen when He sees my heart and how much I want to do well. ):
I will also read over ALL of the haircuts, make head sheets, read and study label M's products. I NEED to get it right. I NEED TO SCAN AND STAMP those haircut theory in my head! I NEED TO TATTOO THEM IN MY BRAIN. I DON'T CARE, THEY HAVE TO STAY IN THERE! I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO EXTREMELY WELL.
Well, talking about tattoo, I will get it. I'm still considering what I want to get, but I feel like I will be getting quite a few. So first one is some sakuras. Don't know where I'm going to place it, but I don't want it to be seen, although I don't want it to be on the hip or rib or something. I will probably get it on my neck. Cherry Blossom means so much to me. I will also get a quote dedicate to my mum. I want to also get something about God. I feel so emo these days. I still know that I have to represent Christ well and that MY body is HIS temple. I can not damage it or put anything destructive in/on it. That just reminds me of food, bad food that is.
I'm so sleepy, so tired. Don't know what's going on with my life right now. Parents have officially signed all the divorce paper thing and now they have to wait for it to be processed through the court of magistrates.
Lately, I've been having a lot of longing. For that missing piece. I know it's not my timing but God's. I don't know. I'm just really sad these days.
It's been .. 5 days since I started fasting, beginning from Monday. I need God to speak to me so bad. I need him more than ever before. I've been feeling so exhausted every night after work. I love what I do, but as soon as I get home, I'm a totally dead person. I have no interest in talking to anybody.
So update. I've got my Iphone 4 but surprisingly I'm not THAT excited. I feel normal. I'm thankful that it arrived so soon, but I just I didn't feel as though this was like "woahhh". I mean I love it and it's very useful. Just have to make sure I have enough money to pay for it monthly.
Next. Interview at World Square next Saturday at 6pm. I'm glad that they're interested in me now.
3rdly. I'm utterly disappointed. So sad, so ... I don't know how I feel really. I had so much faith and cofidence that "THAT" Transient Cut would turn out right, but it unfortunately didn't. I don't want this to be the same case as my natural inversion where I did a total of TEN haircuts. That is just way too much for a "pass". I don't know why God allowed that to happen, especially when my main plea for this fast was to anoint me with the ability to perform extremely well. Now I found out that I would possibly need an extra 2 weeks. I'm really sad. The day ended quite well, especially when I know that I've made people happy. I feel so happy as well, knowing that I was able to put a smile on their faces as well as confidence. My textured crop and vertical layers were great I think. But I'm just pleading to God that He can bless me through all of this. I need to pass all the haircuts WITHIN the 6 weeks AND DO EXTREMELY MAGNIFICENTLY WELL!! I have to make Dennis, Graham and Angie proud of me and I want all the teachers to know that I AM GIFTED, I AM CAPABLE AND I WILL BE GREAT! It's not a possibility or a probability but a definite!
I want to do well so bad, I was and still am desperate. That's why as soon as I finished that haircut, I said to myself that I will not eat anything for the rest of the day just to prove to God how bad I want this. I was extremely tired and hungry. Well just now, I had a madarin and a mango. I need energy and I know I can get it from him, but I'm just really drained right now. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm really tempted to eat as well but I listened to my body, and it says that it's already full.
Tomorrow, I want to get a lot of things done. First of all, I definitely need to get my scissors sharpen. I must do that in order to do WELL in Vardering. I can't risk it anymore. I'm so sad. I really don't understand WHY God allowed that to happen when He sees my heart and how much I want to do well. ):
I will also read over ALL of the haircuts, make head sheets, read and study label M's products. I NEED to get it right. I NEED TO SCAN AND STAMP those haircut theory in my head! I NEED TO TATTOO THEM IN MY BRAIN. I DON'T CARE, THEY HAVE TO STAY IN THERE! I DESPERATELY WANT TO DO EXTREMELY WELL.
Well, talking about tattoo, I will get it. I'm still considering what I want to get, but I feel like I will be getting quite a few. So first one is some sakuras. Don't know where I'm going to place it, but I don't want it to be seen, although I don't want it to be on the hip or rib or something. I will probably get it on my neck. Cherry Blossom means so much to me. I will also get a quote dedicate to my mum. I want to also get something about God. I feel so emo these days. I still know that I have to represent Christ well and that MY body is HIS temple. I can not damage it or put anything destructive in/on it. That just reminds me of food, bad food that is.
I'm so sleepy, so tired. Don't know what's going on with my life right now. Parents have officially signed all the divorce paper thing and now they have to wait for it to be processed through the court of magistrates.
Lately, I've been having a lot of longing. For that missing piece. I know it's not my timing but God's. I don't know. I'm just really sad these days.
At Last Honesty
God: “What’s the matter?
Me: “I’m lonely!”
God: “I know! Don’t you think I know that?”
Me: “Yes Lord.”
God: “Then what’s the problem?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”
God: “What do you want?”
Me: (Repressing the honest answer I speak:) “I want what you want Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (dead silence)
God: “Something is still bothering you. What is it?”
Me: “I’m alone.”
God: “Why is that a problem?”
Me: “I’m not happy.”
God: “And why not?”
Me: “I don’t want to be alone.”
God: “You said you wanted what I wanted.”
Me: “Yes Lord.”
God: “You have it.”
Me: (silence)
God: “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
Me: (at last honesty) “No Lord.”
God: “Then you do not want what I want?”
Me: “I do, but I also want to be married. I also want what I want.”
God: “The problem is not your desire to be married. That is a good desire.
The problem is that you expect that I should give you
what you want when you want and how you want.
If a sparrow does not fall without my knowledge...
If I dress the lilies in such splendor...
If I cloth the grass of the field which so quickly withers...
Do you imagine I have forgotten you...my beloved?
I have not forgotten you...do not worry.
God: “You are still troubled...why?”
Me: “I’m lonely.”
God: (gently) “I know.”
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